not a woman, but need advice!!!

i need help! I am 41 years old and very active. My wife is 42 years old, and not. She has wrestled with her weight and self-esteem since before our marriage, but got worse after we had kids (3 wonderful kids!). Looking at our life and relationship, we are extremely happy. I make her laugh. She makes me laugh. We like each other. We love each other.

But living with her has become like living with an alcoholic. She's tried every diet imaginable for two weeks. She's tried exercise. There is no sticking to it. She's borderline diabetic. She recently had a heart attack (about 9 months ago). I thought, finally, maybe this'll be it. Maybe now she'll get the message and start owning that she can do this. She stuck with mild walking and worked with a personal trainer for a couple months. Now back in bad habits.

I've tried everything to help and be supportive. I can't suggest she go to the gym without her feeling like I'm indicting her (try suggesting to an alcoholic that they have a problem). I can't invite her to go, because she feels like I'm needling her. She's admitted that she admires my own commitment to fitness (I love bicycling and ride centuries), but also resents it incredibly. I've invited her to participate, but she finds it uncomfortable (as she finds a reason why most exercises she hates). She had a follow up with her cardiologist who said, flat out, that she's not making progress fast enough.

I love her and want the world for her. I want the guilt off of her. I don't care, ultimately, if she's overweight, but she cares so much that it affects everything. Can't even remember the last time we were intimate-she's admitted she wants to be, but doesn't feel sexy--essentially saying she gets herself out of the mood.

Anyone been this person and made a change? What did it? Did you have support? From whom? How did you make it work? Anyone known someone they helped to make a change? How did you do it? Help?

The exercise is a real issue, but the main focus right now would almost certainly be diet.

What does she eat and when does she eat it?

yes and yes. Not trying to be difficult...she says she's trying hard during the day, and I see her doing well....oatmeal for breakfast, reasonable lunch, usually a lean cuisine, etc. but I know she sneaks in snacks and other things when I'm not looking. Not kidding....like living with an alcoholic.

I've tried to treat it like a wave, and I'm a surfer...I only approach the topic if it's clear the wave will permit it. I've created tracking spreadsheets for her that I've kept for myself...and asked her just to write down what she eats. I'll enter it. When I do this, she usually comes in way under (and that's usually when she's amenable to the conversation...otherwise I have no idea what she's taking in) her daily caloric needs. When she's amenable to the conversation is when she's "resolved" to do something. But that's also when she'll overcompensate.

That to me, is why the issue is exercise, rather than diet. When I started really kicking myself into shape years ago, the way I justified eating well is I didn't want to make the efforts I made in the gym or on the bike for nothing. It was a mental alignment between the two, but the exercise came first.

I don't know how to get her aligned with either first, since she's so not into monitoring what she's eating OR exercising on any consistent basis or with any intensity.

Yeah, I've been that person. I'm still that person. I don't believe my husband when he says I'm beautiful because I still see the girl who weighs 238lbs in the mirror.

I was much younger than your wife when I made a change, so it was probably easier. But it involved a move to a new town, disassociation with almost all the people I used to hang out with, and meeting someone who set a positive example through his life. I took it literally one step at a time, but it was a decision that I HAD TO MAKE FOR MYSELF, and I can't stress that enough.

All of your encouragement is probably coming across the wrong way. You might be saying, "Look, honey, I can eat right and exercise, it's not so hard, why don't you join me?" and she might be hearing, "Why are you so lazy? Why can't you do what I do? I'm so much better than you!" Forcing her to keep a diet journal is going to make her sneak more snacks, that much I know from experience. As hard as it might be for you, the best advice I can give you is to lay off entirely. Live your life the way you do, and if she wants to join you when she sees how much of a positive change you're making and how that benefits you, she will. Guilting her into it (on purpose or not), forcing her to do things, none of that will make a lasting impression.

thanks for that. I really mean it...I'm looking for ideas because I've tried many..unfortunately, including that one! For the last several years, I took that advice, and largely was hands off unless she requested input or direction. The unfortunate result was her heart attack. I'm at the point where it can' t be about trying. It has to be about doing, because it could be her life at stake. I'm still, right now, keeping back, trying to see if there's something that'll jar this, but haven't seen it yet. So keep them coming...please!

I'm in the same situation with my dad.

The absolutely horrible part is that I am actually working towards a masters in dietetics. It breaks my heart and drives me nuts. I do his grocery shopping, I cook for him, I go out to eat with him and *try* to set a good example (I no longer eat french fries or hamburgers. This is a major thing for me because I really really looked forward to the few I used to eat!), but to no avail. He catches what he wants to and largely ignores the rest. He whines about his medications "I'm going to die on these damn drugs" and knows full well that with diet and exercise, he could get off of them completely (my stepmother was taken off of hers just yesterday, when her results came back. She got (and kept) her cholesterol down!!). But he just won't make the change. I ask him if he'd like to go for walks or bike rides with me, and though he will occasionally, many times it is like talking to a wall. When I first moved back to my hometown I asked him if he wanted to join the gym with me, and he told me flat out it was a waste of my time and money to do so, and that he wasn't going to throw away his money that way.

I am with you on this 100%. It is impossible for me to change his behavior, and it kills me to watch it, and to know what a huge difference a few tiny changes could make (he refused point blank to be a test subject for me for a project I need to complete where I track, analyze, and suggest changes in a person's diet). So I really try my best, coming over to have breakfast with him, making dinner, and keeping good healthy things around for him to snack on, and all of this without pushing, suggesting or anything else. If anything, that tends to make him much more belligerent and to behave even worse to spite me. When he asks, I offer the best, most middle-of-the road advise possible (baby steps here...) and try to help him as much as possible.

It isn't easy, but I wish you the best of luck, and there are certainly plenty of people here to help you any way we can.

I don't know how to get her aligned

Speaking from experience here....YOU cannot get her aligned. As hard as it is to accept, you must realize that she is the only one that can change her behavior. And the more you try to "help" and encourage and gently give advice, the more she will withdraw and feel more like a failure as she once again "lets you down". In my opinion (and from personal experience) her inability to change her diet or exercise is not lack of committment on her part, but may lie in an anxiety disorder or depression. It is a vicious circle when one is caught in a never ending series of trying to achieve what they perceive is "good", only to allow (although they may not even realize it) themselves to fail, so they feel bad about themselves and they eat and they are depressed because they have let everyone down. Have you two talked about having some counseling to try understand what it is that is fueling her feelings of low self esteem and poor body image?
I don't think the spreadsheets are going to work. I know that you are doing it out of love and geniune concern, but it may again be making her feel like she is being examined, judged and ultimately failing.
I understand completely how your wish for her is to join you in your exercise and diet successes. And I also understand how while she is happy for you and your exercise achievements, she resents it (not you...just the achievement). And I think sometimes we (the ones exercising and eating right) try to over achieve in those areas to somehow compensate for the other who won't exercise at all. Almost like we are trying to exercise FOR them.

I don't care, ultimately, if she's overweight, but she cares so much that it affects everything

She doesn't want to let you down, but is unable at this point to change, so she just continues the cycle of trying, failing, feeling bad.

Can't even remember the last time we were intimate-she's admitted she wants to be, but doesn't feel sexy-

All the compliments in the world from you will not really help, because she just isn't feeling it inside. You must help her find the reason behind all the negative feelings. You say they were there before you married and even after having the kids...so my feeling is that it goes beyond just not wanting to diet, or not liking exercise.
I hope some of this helps you...I have been on your side of the fence, and on hers. I have felt at times in my life much the way she feels, and I also know what you are dealing with, trying to help someone you love and feeling helpless. Please stay positive and enjoy the times when you make each other laugh - that is such a great thing to be able to share and an important part of staying connected.

maybe put your fitness goals on hold to cater to hers so you go to the gym with her, go for walks with her etc

try and disguise the exercise so she doesn't evn know she's doing it

also take hold of the shopping and cooking if you can so diet is good

a lot of work on your side no doubt

intervention??

Have you ever pointed out the relationship between her actions and those of your children?

Would she be subconsciously promoting behavioural patterns linked to lifestyle, that wouldn't benefit your children in the long-term?

It might even be some of the things you try to do, cause conflicting emotions. You try to help in some ways, and look like you're controlling her, then you leave well alone and look like you're not committed enough to her.

You really are in a rock and a hard place here, but the main responsibility for change is not yours it's hers.

If the trying and letting people down thing is a problem, then maybe there is a way for you and her and the children, to have shared moments together, not watching TV, eating Dinner etc etc, but things that involve you as a unit.

As you have 3 children, you could break this down into 3 segments. Something you and her do with one child, then something else with another and something else with the third.

You then give each one a special moment a week. An hour or two, where they get special attention, by doing something that is physically beneficial for all of you.

So perhaps for one, it's a cycle ride, another a Swim, another it's an after school thing, or maybe a long walk.

She might sometimes feel she's letting you or herself down, but when she has to do a teamwork style activity, based around one child, it shouldn't have the same stresses of doing it with all three at once. Plus it comes with your support as well, so she doesn't feel pressurised into having to do something physical with a child, and not mess up, as she's got you there to be a reassuring extra pair of hands.

Plus the mixed activity should stop it getting samey, so it might keep her interested, improve her social standing with the children, and being 3 times a week, enough to give her some lasting benefit, providing you can keep the 3 days seperate, so she doesn't feel she has 2-3 days per week of back to back commitment, which might be a bit stressful.

She's then got the off days, to do other stuff like chores, shopping etc etc.

This might be a way to get her interested in sustained activity, that's easy, is different each time, and gives her a bit more one on one with each child, which also doesn't promote favouratism.

Providing of course it would be a doable thing.

Have you ever pointed out the relationship between her actions and those of your children?

Would she be subconsciously promoting behavioural patterns linked to lifestyle, that wouldn't benefit your children in the long-term?

It might even be some of the things you try to do, cause conflicting emotions. You try to help in some ways, and look like you're controlling her, then you leave well alone and look like you're not committed enough to her.

You really are in a rock and a hard place here, but the main responsibility for change is not yours it's hers.

If the trying and letting people down thing is a problem, then maybe there is a way for you and her and the children, to have shared moments together, not watching TV, eating Dinner etc etc, but things that involve you as a unit.

As you have 3 children, you could break this down into 3 segments. Something you and her do with one child, then something else with another and something else with the third.

You then give each one a special moment a week. An hour or two, where they get special attention, by doing something that is physically beneficial for all of you.

So perhaps for one, it's a cycle ride, another a Swim, another it's an after school thing, or maybe a long walk.

She might sometimes feel she's letting you or herself down, but when she has to do a teamwork style activity, based around one child, it shouldn't have the same stresses of doing it with all three at once. Plus it comes with your support as well, so she doesn't feel pressurised into having to do something physical with a child, and not mess up, as she's got you there to be a reassuring extra pair of hands.

Plus the mixed activity should stop it getting samey, so it might keep her interested, improve her social standing with the children, and being 3 times a week, enough to give her some lasting benefit, providing you can keep the 3 days seperate, so she doesn't feel she has 2-3 days per week of back to back commitment, which might be a bit stressful.

She's then got the off days, to do other stuff like chores, shopping etc etc.

This might be a way to get her interested in sustained activity, that's easy, is different each time, and gives her a bit more one on one with each child, which also doesn't promote favouratism.

Providing of course it would be a doable thing.

Bossman, I really like this idea. Benificial to all with the relationship builder of time together in a positive atmosphere. Excellent, excellent advise my friend.

cheers

Yes, I think when I wrote that, I really ignited some synapses

what finally helped me the most was finding something i loved to do. I help at a food pantry with my kids, getting me out of the house and off my butt, i think that was the big start. I am like the 'nutritionist' without credentials there now. I love to make healthy, good food and I am the first to try new things when they arrive. I then found weight lifting. I wrote down what I was lifting and could actually see the progress on paper, if not on the scale at first, so I stuck with it. Then I found martial arts. I Love kicking butt. As I got fitter, i loved more things. Where a 3 mile power walk left me sweaty and tired, the same route now as a jog makes me energized. Not everything I tried worked. I did zumba and was disappointed. I hate aerobics and steps and pretty tight blondes telling me how great I am doing on a video that make me trip on my two left feet. Don't give up!

Ask her when she was growing up, what did she always want to do. Maybe she wanted to dance and wasn't able to take lessons. But who says you have to be 5 to be a ballerina. Go try new things. It doesn't have to be all about exercises or diet. It can be social that helps the most. Getting out of the house to do a hobby. Even a hobby in the house. If her hands are busy, it is hard to hold a sandwich with them. Also seeing something you accomplished yourself, whatever it is, is a esteem builder, so is helping others.

Try some 'fun' things that wouldn't be considered exersice, but still is. Go do lazer tag or paint ball, even something simple as bowling to get up and out of the house doing things. Make it weekly family outing and get suggestions from the kids

~Patty

well said patty, I'm glad you've found what motivates you, and they are good suggestions for others to try as well.