Starting Fresh :3

[MissJenaKay]

It's been really rough lately and so, sadly, my diet and exercise has suffered. When I was weighed at the doctor's office on Thursday, I weighed 248lbs. I was a little surprised, then I came home and weighed myself and sure enough, I have gained weight. I worked out a couple times since then and I'm just going to attempt to keep myself motivated for school and getting that sort of stuff done. I move in on the first of September, and I've got some cleaning, packing, and planning to do for that still.

I haven't been drinking enough water and I've been drinking energy (read, lots of sugar and caffeine) drinks lately. Not every day, but every so often. Mainly because I just hate drinking water. I end up sick to my stomach when I drink water for whatever reason. The only way I've managed to find a way around that is to buy some sort of things to flavour my water. Which I know is just a lot of crappy chemicals. But otherwise, I just don't end up drinking any water, let alone the amount you're supposed to be drinking.

As for the sleeping issues, still not resolved. I have trouble falling asleep, then I have trouble staying asleep because of nightmares or whatever. I have no energy during the day (which is inevitably making me less apt to work out), I am depressed most of the time, I get really panicky over the future, I have been a hot mess ever since coming back to the states. I'm terrified that these issues will affect my schoolwork and jobs. (I have three jobs now, not just two) And as you can probably imagine, I'm stressing out over my stress level. It's a horrid time right now even if my boyfriend is incredibly supporting and sweet and caring.

I honestly think I just miss him. That's what is making me not sleep, have nightmares and the sort which is then leading to chronic lack of energy and muscle fatigue. When I stayed with him in Scotland, we slept in the same bed, the same position, every night. I'd lie to his right with my head against his shoulder and chest, my left leg over his right one, my hand on his left hip and he would usually rest his left hand against my cheek or in my hair. I got so used to that warm, safe feeling that anymore, I wake up clinging to my gigantic teddy bear and when I realise it doesn't smell right and isn't warm (in other words, when I realise it's not Bret) I end up crying and missing him terribly. I don't feel safe anymore. Not that I feel that my life is in peril, I just don't have the sense of ease and calm that I had over in Scotland.

Every day is a battle, and I know I'm strong enough to get through it, it just sucks because of all the side effects of not sleeping enough and sleeping poorly when I do.

I'm terribly sorry this thread has become more of a journal for me to throw some ideas out than for me to try and better my health. But right now, I'm not in a well enough mental state to be able to handle the struggles of getting a perfect balance of diet and exercise for weightloss. Maybe, if I'm lucky, when I'm busier at school and don't have all day to think and be at home alone, it may help.

[musculArgirl2]

I weighed 248lbs. I was a little surprised, then I came home and weighed myself and sure enough, I have gained weight.

maybe you didn't gain as much as you think. i know usually i have breakfast before i go to the doctors and than also i could be wearing shoes so you might have weighed more than you realy are possibly??


hope you start feeling better. Being down sucks!

[Boss Man]

I'll politely decline the apology. I simply cannot accept an unneccessary apology from a lady, as I think it's rude.

I can appreciate things are hard right now, but I know you will find the right way(s), to get this sorted. You need to keep remembering that you ARE worth it and every time you train properly and every day you eat properly is another step to more physical progress and more improvement of self worth and human value.

I know we as a community, cannot replace what someone you feel deeply for, can provide emotionally, but we can at least try to do whatever we feel might help and no matter what you go through, we will always understand and never judge or criticise you for it.

Your bf is with you, because clearly he has seen enough of the beauty inside of you, like I always have, to realise the value you would add to his life and you can be so proud of that person that exists inside of you, having to live along side the other personalities, just like we all have differing personalites inside of us, based on moods. Some have destructive ones and some have just fairly harmless but occasionally worrying sides to us.

Even I have differing moods which could by default be called personalities, ranging from sensible, to silly, to grumpy to cross and other points inbetween.

So whatever you're going through you will find a way to get through this and you should be proud of yourself for never giving up on yourself and still believing in yourself as a person who CAN have more self worth and value and WILL, by achieving the physical changes you want.

I'm sending you a BIG HUG, because despite the times you've come across as angry, dark and destructive, I've seen so much of the other side of you and I think you are a real sweetheart and inside of you exists someone capable of so much beauty and humanity and I think one day, you'll find a way to let that person see so much more of the light, without the darkness suppressing things as much as it does.

Keep on believing Jena, because you are such an intelligent, loving and talanted person. You have so much ot live for and hope for. You're only 19 and still so much life ahead of you and you are pretty amazing in your own unique way and one day I'm sure you'll see that for yourself, because you've lived trough so much crap and you're still here, looking forwards not back and someway, somwhow believing in a better tomorrow.

That takes courage and heart, that some people from backgrounds like yours, never find within themselves and then only one outcome happens, when all hope seems lost and nothingness seems to be someones whole world and I am so flipping proud of you misses, for sticking at it and for trying to see tomorrow as another step to being better and as long as you continue to find a bit of time for us, we willl always find time for you.

GOOD LUCK with everything, chin up, keep smiling and most importantly keep believing, because with belief comes hope and hope spawns potential; potential for a brighter future.

The sort of future life owes you, for what the past has denied you or taken way from you.

If you need anything, get in touch okay. I believe in you so much, os don't dtop believing in you either okay .

You ARE worth life and a good one at that sweetheart and you have always have been worth it .

[MissJenaKay]

I'm back at university now. I have been for about a week. It's been okay. I've only gotten a chance to go to the gym once, I keep forgetting the classes that I want to go to, so. :/ That sucks. Anyway, I'm hoping this week will be better in terms of that. I haven't been eating terribly, so that is a plus. It's been really really hard with keeping myself motivated to do anything. I've been having an incredibly rought time with my depression lately, so trying to rein that in has proven to be a challenge. :c

[musculArgirl2]

hope you feel better missy!

[Athene]

Good luck this term, Jena! You don't need with school though, I know, because you're a smartypants

Sorry to hear about the mental health stuff - I know it's hard and it's not really fair either, but you're doing really well balancing everything, just don't give up. Sending love your way!

[MissJenaKay]

Hey y'all. It's been a while since I posted. Not too long, but long enough. I am happy to report that I've already saved enough to pay for my flights for the summer, though I may need to help out my beau with his flights in November, if that's the case, then I haven't got quite enough but between my jobs, I'll have it replenished in no time.

In weight-relevant news, I have no clue how much I weigh. I think I may have lost some weight since I got back to Uni, but I'm not one-hundred percent sure. Some of my jeans are fitting looser in the waist, but they are still just as snug, if not snugger in the thighs. However, considering I didn't realise it until a week before move-in I live in a building with no elevators. Which means every single time I leave my top floor apartment, I get to trek down and up the three flights of stairs between me and the ground, that means each time I need to go to class, work, go to the student center for mail or food, take out the trash, and when I need to do laundry (which is actually an additional flight down, also I have to trek it three times for that) I trek 3 flights of stairs. I honestly wouldn't doubt that I'm probably packing muscle on in my legs. After all, I used to be only able to do two flights before breathing heavy and now I can handle the first two pretty well, it's the third set that gets me every time. Haha.

I've also been managing to routinely forget to eat.So that's not good. But when I have breakfast in the moring then go to class, then come home and either do homework or do homework and then go to work at one of my two jobs (had three the first couple weeks, but quit the third because I hated the parents of the child I was babysitting, well, not both parents, just the father.) So I'm a very busy girl.

My sleep hasn't gotten any better, but I'm starting to get incredibly excited for when Bret's coming to the states. It's only 53 days now! I miss him something fierce and every day is a struggle without him, but it's all going to be worth it someday in the not too distant future. He's an absolutely amazing man and I'm so in love that I think I'm an idiot sometimes. Haha.

Anyway. This are going relatively okay. I recently produced a pretty impressive animation for a faux title sequence and I'm starting to get more and more excited about my future in animation. I LOVE doing it. Sure, it's tedious but it's the most enjoyable tedious I have ever experienced. I get so excited to read my animation textbooks that I'm sure to other people, I seem like a freak. But hey, call me a freak, I don't care. I'm so excited for my future and I'm so excited to be someone that makes a difference, even if that difference is just being a part of any sort of animation that inspires or touches someone the way that my life has been. Well, not even to the degree mine has been because I'm a freaking animation fanatic. (Read: OBSESSED)

So, that's how it's been lately.

hope you feel better missy!

Thanks, Becky! Sorry I haven't thanked you sooner, life has been getting in the way.

Good luck this term, Jena! You don't need with school though, I know, because you're a smartypants

Sorry to hear about the mental health stuff - I know it's hard and it's not really fair either, but you're doing really well balancing everything, just don't give up. Sending love your way!

Thanks, Athene! I don't even need to be a smarty pants to do what I'm doing. Haha. But that's one of the things that I love the most. I don't have to be forever known as the smart girl. It honestly takes a weight off my shoulders to know that people aren't expecting me to be the most brilliant woman they know anymore. It's not likeI'm going to dumb myself down, but I don't have to display it through my classwork anymore and it's a huge relief. Thanks for the love. <3

Thanks to EVERYONE for their love and support through everything over the past few years, you're all amazing. Lots of love and well wishes to everyone. C: xx ♥♥♥

[musculArgirl2]

Anyway. This are going relatively okay. I recently produced a pretty impressive animation for a faux title sequence and I'm starting to get more and more excited about my future in animation. I LOVE doing it. Sure, it's tedious but it's the most enjoyable tedious I have ever experienced. I get so excited to read my animation textbooks that I'm sure to other people, I seem like a freak. But hey, call me a freak, I don't care. I'm so excited for my future and I'm so excited to be someone that makes a difference, even if that difference is just being a part of any sort of animation that inspires or touches someone the way that my life has been. Well, not even to the degree mine has been because I'm a freaking animation fanatic. (Read: OBSESSED)

So, that's how it's been lately.

i really envy you for that! it must be nice to going for a degree in something that you LOVE! it sounds like it would be an awesome career too and how much fun!

and also for meeting someone that you are madly in love with too. Glad to hear things are going pretty good Jena.

[Boss Man]

2 possibilities re: the stairs.

1. More muscle gain.

2. More cardiovascular adaption.

3. Both.

[MissJenaKay]

i really envy you for that! it must be nice to going for a degree in something that you LOVE! it sounds like it would be an awesome career too and how much fun!

and also for meeting someone that you are madly in love with too. Glad to hear things are going pretty good Jena.

I'm really glad that I decided to go with what I love. I mean, I probably have what it takes to be a doctor or an engineer, but I don't love those things. Even though I was always kind of urged to be a doctor or lawyer or something like that, I stuck to my guns. Haha. It's really seeming to pay off. Being with Bret has been the most amazing three months of my life.

2 possibilities re: the stairs.

1. More muscle gain.

2. More cardiovascular adaption.

3. Both.

Well, it's certainly doing something for me. Haha.

[MissJenaKay]

I keep telling y'all that I'm not going to drop off the forums and then I do. Haha. My life is crazy. I've been putting about 20 hours in each week at Old Navy, four hours each week tutoring, twelve hours in classes, and about 20-30 hours a week on class assignments. I am so ired all he time anymore. I have been so busy that it is quite frequent that all I will have in a day is maybe a muffin or for a while, it was only a coffee a day, but I ditched coffee because it's too expensive for me right now. You'd think with me doing nothing but working, that I'd have plenty of money and be saving it. Nope. I recently had to start paying more bills so I'm a little crazy in finances. I'm actually going to apply to work at my University's Fitness and Recreation center. Hopefully I'll get that job and I can quit Old Navy because I'm getting run ragged there and I get the worst shifts and get treated terribly as well. Perfect example, I have ONLY had closing shifts since I got back and I have plenty of daytime hours on my availability. I dunno, it's far too stressful of a job. I would much rather work at the gym, plus, if I'm going there for work, maybe I'd be more motivated to just grab a workout after my shifts. Who knows. I honestly don't know how my weight is doing, my boyfriend's mother commented to me today that I look like I've lost a lot of weight (I was modelling my new peacoat for them) but I think it may be an illusion. Since Imve been on birth control my breasts have gotten rather noticably larger (none of my bras fit correctly any more) and also only the waistbands on my jeans have gotten looser, and only certain pairs of jeans so I really don't think Ive lost weight or if I have it's only been in my waist... which ironically is the first place I notice a change. I get even narrower in my already strangely narrow waist. My thighs and hips are the same if not larger since the thighs on my jeans are fitting a little snug (then again I've also been putting them in the dryer in stead of air drying them because there isn't enough room in the apartment for that this year.) I dunno, lots of changes going on physically. I wish I had any sort of picture as a reference so I could check it out and see if there are any noticeable differences (other than my chest). I dunno, I think I have ONE picture from when I was in the UK that I could kinda compare with. We'll see. Sorry for just dumping a big long post on here. I will not promise to be around, too busy, but I will attempt, and I'll definitely drop by every so often to update y'all (like now). I do read on here every couple days too see how y'all are doin', so I haven't forgotten about you, I'm just too busy to post. Right now, I should be sleeping for a long day of homework and housechores tomorrow to be followed by a "nine" hour day at work on Sunday. Nine is in quotes because I'm scheduled until 8.30pm, but who knows if I'm actually going to get out on time (It's really rare). I just can't fall asleep right now because there is too much going on in my head and I'm incredibly stressed out. Hopefully I can get some sleep.

Best wishes to all of you, keep up the hard work. I wish I could say I've been working towards my fitness goals, but life has really gotten in the way.

[Boss Man]

The main thing is to just keep trying to do what you know is your best. I know it must be hard right now trying to juggle many different things at once and it's not easy, so I can empathise with your situation.

I hope the change of work happens for you, as the option you cited sounds like a much better fit in your life right now.

I'm sure that you will find a way to make things work out for you in the long run. You just have to be patient and keep striving to find a good life balance, because you ARE worth it.

GOOD LUCK and keep believing .

[musculArgirl2]

Nice to hear from you Jena! sorry life is so busy and stressed. But it will definitely be worth it in the end! Hope you get the gym job.

[MissJenaKay]

Golly, it's been ages since I've had a chance to update on here.

I didn't get the job at the gym, I'm too old for it, they want to hire freshmen and sophmores. I did however get a job as a research assistant for one of my professors so I'm going to help her storyboard and set up a bluelight project, which is awesome. That means that for this quarter (while I've also picked up an internship as an animator) I don't have to work at Old Navy which was doing me far more harm than good. I'm going to be a very busy little bee, but it'll be worth it in the end.

In terms of my body, I lost about 15 pounds last quarter because I was literally starving because I'd forget to eat all the time. Honestly, I was lucky if I ate one meal a day, often it was a bit of yogurt in the morning and that was it. I've gained some of that back since I have been home, but it's not too bad. I have a much better looking schedule in terms of getting to workout and whatnot this upcoming quarter and I'm also seeing a chiropractor for some problems I've been having with my back (I actually started there on Halloween) and I have a 5% tilt of my spine, and my shoulders and hips are a little tilted. (I'm going to blame the fact that I carry EVERYTHING on my left side causing me to shift the opposite direction to compensate.)

I had a relatively decent holiday and Bret was here for a little over a month from the day before my birthday until the 19th of December. When we were in the airport to fly him home, he asked my dad's permission to marry me. We're not engaged yet, but he told me that my father had no problem with it. I miss him loads and my sleeping is still really awful. I've not done well with not eating junk food, but I'll just have to deal with that once I'm back to uni and have access to a gym again. Life is getting crazy, but I'm going to do just fine.

Sorry I disappeared for ages, dears. I hope that I'll be able to be more active and be able to bring in more good news than bad. Hope everyone is doing well!

[Boss Man]

Firstly, I cannot accept an unnecessary apology from a young Lady, so I must politely decline .

Secondly, CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement if it is indeed that. I'm not going to comment on whether you're too young, or it's too soon in life, as I think if you both have considered it properly and you know exactly how it feels, then you're giving yourselves a really good chance to make it work, when the engagement become an official union, because you'll be doing it for sound, well grounded and sensible reasons.

The main thing is there are changes in your life, that will make a positive difference to you emotionally and that means your ability to focus on your lifestyle and eating requirements, should be better now and hopefully more consistent.

I see many positives in the coming few months for you, based on what you have said and i'm really happy for you, because despite looking like a very cloudy and dark sort of person on the inside, which you have portrayed yourself as sometimes, I know there is a lot of human value and beauty in there too and the more things that can happen to bring the best out of you, the more you benefit and the better off the world becomes.

GOOD LUCK and best wishes .