Jena's Journal.

[Boss Man]

The main thing is you want to continue improving your lot. You're not just saying screw it, me and my life are never going to be anything but mediocre at best so why strive for anything better?

As long as you keep trying to want better, you have some chance, but the moment you cave in and stop trying, is the moment you'll almost certainly stagnate or worse go backwards.

Good luck and keep remmebering that you ARE worth it and you DO deserve a better life, but to deserve it, it must to some degree be earned with your merit as well as other peoples input.

[MissJenaKay]

8:35 Wake Up

8:46
-- 6 oz Chobani Greek Yogurt (Strawberry) [[Cal 140, Fat 0, Carbs 20 - Fiber 1 Sugar 19, Protein 14]]

9:23 Workout
-- Dumbbell Squats: 2 sets of 12 at 10 lbs per DB
-- Dumbbell Lunges: 2 sets of 12 at 10 lbs per DB
-- Hamstring Curls: 2 sets of 12 at 60 lbs
-- Lower Back: 2 sets 12 at 80 lbs
-- Chest Press: 2 sets of 12 at 35 lbs
-- Rows: 2 sets of 12 at 35lb
-- Bicep Curls: 2 set of 12 at 20lb
-- Shoulder Press: 2 sets of 12 at 20 lbs
-- Crunches: 2 sets of 20
-- Lying Oblique Crunches: 2 sets of 20 (each side)
-- Leg Lifts: 2 sets of 10

10:20
-- 1 stick Low Fat String Cheese [[Cal 60, Fat 2.5, Carbs 1 - Fibre 0 Sugar 0, Protein 8]]
-- 4 slices Oven Roasted Turkey Deli Meat [[Cal 29.7, Fat .33, Carbs <.6 - Fibre 0 Sugar 0, Protein 5.28]]
-- 1 Scoop EAS Whey Protein Powder (mixed with water) [[Cal 130, Fat 2.5, Carbs 3 - Fibre 1 Sugar 1, Protein 23]]

1:15
-- Burrito Bowl :: Chicken, Rice, Black Beans, Corn, Sauteed Peppers, Sauteed Onions, Sour Cream, Cheese

5:00
-- BBQ Pork
-- Macaroni and Cheese
--Steamed Veggies
--Starbucks Coffee

8:27
Chicken Fettuccini [[Cal 270, Fat 6, Carbs 32 - Fibre 0 Sugar 6, Protein 22]]

Boss :: I'll keep that in mind and I'll keep working at it, Boss.

[Bonnie]

Brent is correct.As a person who suffered with chronic severe depression for 20 + years.I'd say the first real day of my life was the day when I let go of negativity, no place for that in my life anymore.Though I must say sometimes when depressed WE wish we could be like the ones who don't know whats going on, due the fact we assume they feel no pain at least.Still if we feel even mental pain, we know we have a good chance to fix it.I personally attribute 70 % of my negativity drop to rational emotive therapy & 30 % antidepressants.It wasn't until the last 2 years after ditching a morphine addiction & quit smoking, did I FULLY appreciate life.Now I wish I'd not wasted so much of it in negativity, but hey thats the way it went I wish you all the best with your future.

[musculargirl]

How's it going Jena? I've seen you pop on the forum once or twice. Hope your doing okay!

[MissJenaKay]

Hey everyone.

It's been a while, a long while. There's a lot for me to update on.

I've been having a really rough time in my life. I feel like things are starting to lift and I'm feeling a little better, so I'm hoping things can get back into a swing. I've decided this next quarter with my roommate and our friend Cassie that we're going to start going to the gym together every night at 7 so long as nothing prevents us from doing so. I really hope having this real life support can help. I'm thinking of looking into classes to see if there's anything we girls could do for a fun workout at least one night a week or something. I'm not sure how everything will pan out. I'm also stressing out a lot about this next quarter and the classes I'm taking. It's definitely a new experience for me.

I've also decided that I need to work on getting up a little earlier, this past quarter I woke up at 8, no problem considering classes started at either 11:20am or 2:00pm depending on the day. Now, though, this quarter, my classes start at 9:40am everyday, so I need to get up early enough that I can shower and have my hair be dry for class. Which requires about two to three hours... So I'm hoping getting up at 7 will be good, if not, I'm going to test showering at night tonight to see if it makes my hair a wreck in the morning. Lol. Also, in the vein of my educational life I finished up last quarter with another solid 4.0.

Today a took a bunch of measurements to make sure I have a good grasp of my restarting point. I don't have my weight, but I'm happy to report that even though I've been eating terribly and not exercising, I still fit in my smaller sized jeans, so if I have gained weight, it's not too much. I'll post the measurements up here. I'll include my height so you have a better basis of what kind of frame I have:

Height - 5' 7" (shorter than I thought. Oh well.)
Waist (at belly button) - 39.0"
Waist (at narrowest point) - 35.75"
Hips (at broadest point) - 52.25"
Bust (with bra) - 45.5"
Bust (without) - 44.5"
Thigh - 30.0"
Calf - 17.0"
Bicep - 15.75"
Forearm - 10.5"
Wrist - 6.0"
Neck - 14.0"

I also took my inseam since I have difficulties finding pants long enough for me I don't know if it's on consequence but it's 33.5"

In good news, I've discovered a healthy snack I enjoy greatly. Even more than carrots, and I love carrots as a snack. Sugar snap peas. Oh my god, they're so delicious. I bought a bag of them at the grocery store when I went there on Wednesday because I had heard they were pretty good. They are FAAARR beyond good. I love them. Something about the sweetness the crunch, the aftertaste, everything about them is just perfect. I amused Mollie with my crunching on carrots first and second quarter, this third quarter might be to quarter of the sugar snap peas. c: I've also found that I like Edamame minus salt or butter or any of that people try to tell me it's better with.

I've also finally laid the first mark on my blog that I've had since September 2009. You can click here if you're interested in reading, it's only one post, and I'm not sure how often I will update it, but it is what it is.

I've also been taking interesting steps in my therapy sessions and it's been making me very uncomfortable about going to them, not because anything bad has transpired, but because I feel weak and vulnerable and embarrassed talking about what Fowzia wants me to explore. I'm not exactly sure how to handle it. Thankfully, I don't have to go this week since she is out of town.

I can't wait to see everyone at home, spending this week here in the nearly abandoned dorm building by myself has made me think about home a lot. Next year I'm definitely going home for break. I don't care if I have to pay for the trip home completely out of my own pocket.

I've also been very seriously and carefully considering abandoning school here at DePaul and transferring to Balleyfermont College of Further Education. I either want to transfer there my junior year or after I graduate here at DePaul, I want to gain a supplementary degree there. The latter seems to me like my favorite plan, but it's a very expensive plan. I would be graduating with about 80,000 (if not more) dollars in loans from DePaul and then going to further my debt by around 10,000 more (I think). I'm not sure what I want to do with my self in this situation . . . I have a friend that attends, it's also one of the amazing internationally known art and animation schools. The only problem I have with if I do actually find a way to make a plan like this work is what it would be like for me there. It's in Ireland. Dublin, to be specific. Even though the tuition would be MUCH MUCH cheaper, travel costs wouldn't really be any worse, but I'm not just transl planting my small town self from my little hometown to a large city like I did in Chicago, I'm tossing myself into a whole new culture, since I have three Irish friends that I talk to often (I actually have more true, close friends in Ireland, England, and Scotland than I do in America) it's not going to be a total shock, but it's still a unnerving thought to be even more of an outsider than I am right now. In my opinion, there are three, though each has two endings, so I guess that's kinda like 6::

1) Finish out my degree here at DePaul then either stay in Chicago or go to Ireland to live and work.
2) Finish out my degree at DePaul then enroll at BCFE then continue to live and work in Ireland or come home and work and live in Chicago.
3) Transfer to BCFE my junior year, finish out my college career there and then stay there to work and live or come back to America.

Call my crazy, but I would love to spend my life in Ireland. And funnier yet, the people I know in Ireland want to come to America. Haha. Crazy world, eh? Everyone wants to be somewhere other than where they are.

One last thing, I've been searching for a job. I've applied to 14 babysitting jobs in the immediate area and I have heard absolutely nothing. It's driving me insane that I have no job. I certainly hope that I can at least get a job this summer to earn some money I can save and use to pay loan payments and textbooks and everything.

Okay, all, I've written enough, there are still more things that have gone on in my life, but they aren't really that important and are more or less dull compared to these high points that I picked out. I'm sorry that I haven't updated in over a month, but I needed to take time away from trying to piece my life together and maintain a diet and exercise at the same time. I'll hopefully be able to update more often and less lengthily as of now.

Also, to react to Bonnie and Rebekah.
Bonnie :: Thanks for the well wishes, I've been taking the time to try and put my life together and I've been feeling quite better lately, I've been generally okay with periods of depression instead of generally miserable with periods of feeling okay. Which is definitely an improvement from a month and a couple weeks ago. As for what you said about anti-depressants. I was on them before, they wrecked my life. Lol. I gained weight, I lost my natural appetite, I couldn't sleep, it was horrible. Then again I was on both mood stabilizers and anti-depressants. I got fed up after countless prescription and dosage changes did nothing to fix what the medications were doing to my body when they weren't even helping with my depression, so I just stopped taking them... I'm very glad they helped you though! c:

Rebekah :: I'm doing better now. c: Also, what do you prefer to be called? I see others call you Becky and such and I feel like I'm being terribly formal if you prefer Becky. . . :/

-- Jena ♥

P.S. If I made any spelling, grammar, etc. problems, I don't proofread or think much when I write like this, I just kinda free associate all over the keyboard. So if things don't make sense, are badly worded, have errors in them, or whatever else I could have done, then so be it. :p I also apologize if the small font bothers you, I don't know why, but when I write at length, I have the bizarre and almost uncontrollable need to make the font small....

[musculargirl]

nice to see you around Jena! Next quarter will be a good time to start going every day to the gym But really it will be getting warm out too so maybe just exercising outside will be fun too! Congratulations on the grade point average, that's awesome! Good for you!

Glad you didn't gain too much weight either the last couple of weeks.

Tough decision on the school issue. Ireland sounds really pretty and fun to try. Totally your decision though with what you want to do with your life. My sister and brother were both exchange students when i was a teenager. It bugs me so much now that i didn't go visit both of them. My sister traveled europe and lived in england and my brother in New Zealand. I say go for it if it's something you want to do, but really your the only one that can decide that. Good luck in your decision making!!


You can call me Becky. I use both names. People that don't know me very well mostly call me Rebekah.

I've gone to a therapist before and I felt the same way you did, uncomfortable. I hated it actually. I think if you can find the right one, it can be a great thing though.

Glad to see you back.

[Boss Man]

Jena, you don't need to apologise for anything at all misses. Whatever you say is whatever you feel you want to say, so don't ever apologise to us for trying to be yourself .

The main things are you're continuing to persevere with certain things and trying to make them work. I am proud of you for this and you should be proud of yourself too.

I hope everything works out for you. Don't stop trying and don't stop believing in yourself or the things you are trying to do, because they CAN work out.

Good luck, keep smiling and most importantly keep letting your heart grow, because when you let it shine, you are at your most beautiful .

[MissJenaKay]

nice to see you around Jena! Next quarter will be a good time to start going every day to the gym But really it will be getting warm out too so maybe just exercising outside will be fun too! Congratulations on the grade point average, that's awesome! Good for you!

Glad you didn't gain too much weight either the last couple of weeks.

Tough decision on the school issue. Ireland sounds really pretty and fun to try. Totally your decision though with what you want to do with your life. My sister and brother were both exchange students when i was a teenager. It bugs me so much now that i didn't go visit both of them. My sister traveled europe and lived in england and my brother in New Zealand. I say go for it if it's something you want to do, but really your the only one that can decide that. Good luck in your decision making!!


You can call me Becky. I use both names. People that don't know me very well mostly call me Rebekah.

I've gone to a therapist before and I felt the same way you did, uncomfortable. I hated it actually. I think if you can find the right one, it can be a great thing though.

Glad to see you back.

Becky it is, then. c:

The gym here is amazing, it's a almost brand new place and it's got so much. It's so cool. Lol. I don't know if 'll be able to work out every single day since the courses I have this quarter are supposed to be pretty challenging and time consuming. But I'm hoping that it'll work. Also, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my shower schedule... I have to work out in the evenings since my classes are so early, but I hate showering at night since it makes me hair do weird things. So I'm trying to sort out life in that aspect.

As far as weight goes, I'm not sure if I gained any at all. When I go to the gym next I'll be able to tell you.

I've always loved Ireland, it's a gorgeous country with an amazing history and culture, and the people there are really nice and the guys (from my experience) are super attractive and super sweet. And the school would be perfect and everything would be amazing if I could go over there. I wanted to do study abroad in Ireland, however, there are no study abroad programs to Ireland that teach Art classes. So it would be counterproductive for me to go on one of those programs. Thanks for the well wishes on my decision. I've got at least another few months to decide before applications are accepted again.

I don't normally feel uncomfortable with my therapist, because generally I've never had one that has focused on certain things I don't like to talk about (e.g. My body and my sexuality) And I tend to just shut up when she goes there. I refuse to tell her the truth about either of those topics, too. I imagine it's highly counterproductive, but I was raised in a family that you don't talk about those things and I never have been comfortable even thinking about them let alone talking about them. *shrug* Oh well

It's good to be back. c:

Jena, you don't need to apologise for anything at all misses. Whatever you say is whatever you feel you want to say, so don't ever apologise to us for trying to be yourself .

The main things are you're continuing to persevere with certain things and trying to make them work. I am proud of you for this and you should be proud of yourself too.

I hope everything works out for you. Don't stop trying and don't stop believing in yourself or the things you are trying to do, because they CAN work out.

Good luck, keep smiling and most importantly keep letting your heart grow, because when you let it shine, you are at your most beautiful .

No offense, Boss, but you sound like my therapist. xD She's always telling me not to apologise for how I feel, but it's kinda programmed into me. I do my best to avoid steeping on any toes, so I'm a compulsive apologiser. Thanks again, as always for caring about and believing in me. I appreciate it a lot. c: *huuuuuuggggg*

[Boss Man]

No offense taken. I know when you look at things that are writtne you see them in your own unique way., It's not out of spite and malice, but because you've had certain things in your past adpating the way you think and perceive things, in ways many others might not do.

It just makes you as human as many people can be. So I would never take anything you say wrongly, because I know no matter how negative some things you may write look, they aren't written with the feeling they may convey.

So no worries from me

[fitoverforty]

Hi Jena! Love your new profile pic.

I hope you get to go to Ireland - an art and animation school no less! That is beyond cool. What a great opportunity to see some of the world outside of these states. I've always wanted to go there, and wish when I was younger I would have traveled and gone to places I dreamed about, for that matter i wish I would have went to college and had that experience.
So I wish you all the best with what lies ahead for you - it is an exciting age for you to be, tho' you may not feel that way all the time. When you are 48 like I am, you think about the things you wish you would have done differently, and things like going to Ireland feel impossible when you have a family and work and bill responsibilities. So, I hope it works out for you, in whatever way is best for ya!
And as far as sugar snap peas go...well, not for me. I'll stick with carrots and broccoli, maybe a sweet red pepper.

[musculargirl]

Lynne's right, very nice profile pic Jena!

[MissJenaKay]

Hey guys, it's been a while. No on purpose though. I'm super busy all the time now and its stressing me out. I've gained some weight, my "good" jeans no longer fit well. I mean I can fit in them and button and zip and all that, they're just tight around my stomach and it makes me sad. I have several pairs of jeans the next size up, but they are too short. So I either get a sort of all around muffin top effect or I look like I'm half way between normal jeans and highwaters. Not good. I'm trying to figure out what I can do to stop gaining and possiblyh lose weight again, but I don't have any time in my life anymore. Any sugggestions, you guys?

[Boss Man]

You can only focus on diet then. It's a case of making sure the diet is in the right zone. Normally a sedentary female should get around 1,800 a day for calories, but another 300-400 on top would be okay if the person does normal types of exercise, as opposed to say marathon training, Triathlon training etc, where more still would be better.

If you eat too low I.E. 1,200 a day, the body will think you're starving it to some extent and eventually stop shedding any Fat and becasue 1lb of muscle burns approximately 45-50 additional calories, losing some from lack of muscle nutrition, could cause fat storage, or at leats weight stagnation with a poorer muscle to fat ratio.

Also the reduced nutrition in that instance, could weaken Bones and increase the risk of things like Anemia. So aiming for 1,800 a day, would be a good way to go.

Good water intake would also be of some benefit. I'd reccomend trying to get a glass approximately every 2 hours.

[MissJenaKay]

My roommate is insane. The End.

[Boss Man]

My roommate is insane. The End.

Shouldn't that be roomdouche