Jena's Journal.

[MissJenaKay]

I hopeso too, he's planning on outing me to my parents. That will not end well.

Today was weigh in and.... I lost .7 pounds. A pathetic amount but better than gaining I guess. I DON't understand why it's so hard to lose. I'm not trying to shave off that last couple pounds, so why am I getting nowhere when I'm eating pretty well and exercising pretty much every day?

[musculArgirl2]

I hopeso too, he's planning on outing me to my parents. That will not end well.

Today was weigh in and.... I lost .7 pounds. A pathetic amount but better than gaining I guess. I DON't understand why it's so hard to lose. I'm not trying to shave off that last couple pounds, so why am I getting nowhere when I'm eating pretty well and exercising pretty much every day?

That's a pretty jerky think to do, hopefully it works out for you.


.7 is definitely better than gaining. .7 though is good. And it did go down that's what matters.

[MissJenaKay]

Well, I have two options, I either have to come out to my parents on my own or he will out me. I'm so scared. I can't do this. I might lose everything. If that happens, I can't live with it. So let's hope like hell my parents are accepting and loving. I don't think my life could get a whole lot more fucked up right now, that is unless I do come out and I get disowned, then it can't get any more screwed up and stressful. And at that point, I'll no longer have anything to live for. I hate this. I can't handle this.

[fitoverforty]

Jena, I know this is certainly a very scary thing to be facing. I don't pretend to know all the answers, or what is the best thing for you to do in this situation, I can only offer my thoughts on it so here goes...
My first thought when I read your posts about this, was that right now that person has the "power". The best thing to do, if in fact you are pretty sure that he is going to out you, is to take that power away from him, so he can't threaten you with it anymore. And if you decide to tell your parents, then at least they will hear it from you and you will have the opportunity to tell them the way you want, and on your terms.

So let's hope like hell my parents are accepting and loving

You know your parents better than anyone else, as to how they will react. It may not go well at first, it may be a shock, or you may be surprised that they may have already known, or suspected. But either way, it needs to come from you. And if you tell your parents, they may need some time to come to terms with it - they may worry that life may be harder for you, people will treat you differently, things won't be as easy for you - and that would hurt them to see you going through any of that.
When I was younger I got into some trouble (DWI) I thought I could keep it a secret forever, but it didn't work out that way. My folks found out after the insurance company called them about it! My dad called me at work one day and told me that he knew about the DWI - my heart dropped to the floor, i felt sick and wanted to crawl under a rock somewhere - but he didn't yell or scream or tell me how disappointed he was, or that I had to move out, or any of that - he was sweet, and loving and compassionate (my Dad was not the "sweet" type, he was kinda strict and terse) and said we would get through this together. i cried some big tears that day, for the relief that they knew, sadness that it didn't come from me, and for myself for worrying so long over it and underestimating my parents.
I realize your situation is different, but I just wanted you to know that sometimes in the "outing" of something - there is peace, and freedom - it may not happen over night, and it may not seem like the future holds any thing good - but I am an eternal optimist - I believe in the good of people, their ability to accept and love unconditionally. I had some hard knocks in life, lots of hurt and pain, people doing me wrong, but through it all I still believe that we choose our destiny, we make our own paths in life, we find our way, one day at a time, one situation at a time.
I am sending you all my positive thoughts and energy your way, I wish you all the best in whatever decision you make.

[MissJenaKay]

I'm just so afraid. My parents make derogatory slurs against the gay community all the time. The worst part of it all, I know they'll feel let down. I'm supposed to be the good child, the one that's perfect. I always have had to work hard to maintain that and now this is going to ruin it. I'm going to start by talking to my mom tonight. She seems more open-minded on the whole issue than my dad is and if things go wrong with her, I know I'm screwed. My fear is that I'll get the same reaction I did when I tried to tell her when I got my first girlfriend. I was only 14 then, so maybe she thought I was lying, but all she did was look at me with a stern look on her face and say "No, that's not the road you want to go down". So I'm scared, she makes mean comments about a friend of mine that is engaged to her girlfriend, and talks about gays and that community as if they are aliens.

My dad is even worse and so is the little old woman across the street. I don't even want to think about the reaction I'd get from them or the general community of the area.

[musculArgirl2]

I think Lynne gave some great and heartfelt advice.

If you've mentioned before that you had a girlfriend when you were younger maybe they have more suscipicions than you are aware of but at the same time they may not either. Wish you the best of luck if you decide to tell your mom.

[MissJenaKay]

Told my mom but she doesn't understand she still told me "Well, if you meet the right man, you won't have to worry" She thinks is a phase, something impermanent. :\ I don't really care though so long as I'm not getting thrown out. I still need to figure out how to tell my dad. In other news, made delicious and healthy calzones for dinner. Definitely going to make them again sometime.

[Boss Man]

I see the good in you because it's there and because I want to.

if I didn't I could have ignored you a long time ago, but I know sometimes you can't see it, because you have the inside looking out perspective, I have the outside looking in perspective, but whatever you think of yourself, I can't perceive that it will never change how I think of you as a person Jena, because I know that with time and more life experience, you DO have the "potential" to show and be more of the person I know you can be at times.

Life's hard right now I can appreciate that, but just like Skully did, the better level of mental and emotional health can be achieved, even when you feel like you're a self loathing, self hating person, that is trapped in a crummy life, like she used to feel.

So you have a "potentially" bright future ahead and when I can see the merit in you as a person, I know one day you'll see it too.

I'm not going to give up on you, unless you give up on me and this site, because I have never done that yet and I won't do that now and I know that no matter how you feel sometimes, you understand that and you would never hold the fact I care about someone like you against me.

Your family may take a lot of time to get used to your admissions if it comes to it, but they will have to, because they will have no choice. I wish you or others that don't agree with their stance could change it as if by magic, but that's not possible.

As for the old lady across the street, her ignorance will one day die with her. Yes that sounds harsh, but as long as she isn't using it to brainwash people, then she can't make the situation any worse.

Whatever occurs from this, I can't do anything to protect you or shield you from anything, but I can say GOOD LUCK and don't ever feel badly for this. Your emotional feelings towards others, particularly females, is not wrong or your fault, it's just how nature intended you to be.

You're unique but in an interesting way, where your feelings are concerned and you should never have to feel ashamed, embarrassed or second rate for being Lesbian or Bi-sexual, because it's never been wrong, it's just societies failure to accept and legalise it centuries ago that has been wrong and always was, regardless of what the haters in their fuzzy dreamworld might believe, because their ignornace in some regards, makes them weak and lesser people, because they cannot assess people based on their attitude(s) to others, or their attitude(s) towards the law, the two and probably only two criteria that should be used to assess people.

You may not agree with some of what I said and that's okay, but I DO care, I WANT to care and I WON'T stop caring unless you cut off all ties to this site and people like me and I hope you don't, because I have always been PROUD to be part of this site with you, a person that sometimes can allow themselves to be one the nicest, kindest, smart, funny and beautiful people possible.

Again you might think less of yourself than that, but I won't and all I hope is that you will continue to let people on here care about you and show you the compassion and understanding they have done before and I know it's going to be hard with your family, but eventually they will have to accept it and grow up a bit with their attitude, becasue if they choose to devalue you for being non-hetero, then they will be poorer and prove that in some ways, they won't deserve to have you in their lives, if they cprove they can't appreicate you like they should.

I'm sending you a BIG, BIG HUG and as ever, I AM here for you unconditionally and even when you sometimes look like you're ranting at me personally, I know it's not spite, malice or hatred, it's just one of the minor flaws in your personality, that allow you to sometimes be like that.

As long as you continue to want some kind of understanding interaction with people like me, then I will want it too.

So you may not always agree with how I feel or think about you as a person, but I will never apologise for thinking well of you, or thinking you can become a greater person, because that's how I've always been towards you and others and I won't change.

Best wishes to you sweetheart and whatever happens in your life, Shapefit will be a place for you to be unconditionally you and for us to be unconditionally caring and compassionate to you.

You might not be perfect, but you are our one and only Jena Kay and right now that's a compliment to us all, that you are still here and sticking with us and I'm proud of you for not giving up on us or yourself and I want you to succeed in life so much, because you are so intelligent, creative and sometimes "beautifully wonderful".

.

[feelin-great]

Jena, it took a lot of courage for you to approach your mom the way you did, and that is something that you should be proud of. That is not an easy thing to do. Especially since you already had an idea of how she would handle it. I hope that someday she accepts you for who you are, because nobody should have to pretend to be somebody they aren't. You are a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for and I am very proud of you. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and I can only tell you that it does get better! You have a lot of hurt inside of you, and I can see that in the anger you express, but stay strong - you will get through this and it will make you an even stronger person in the end. You take care and remember that we all see the good in you, whether or not you see it in yourself - if you ever need support you know you can get it here

[MissJenaKay]

Thanks so much. I still feel like I've done something wrong. I mean I'm supposed to be the perfect child. And my mom clearly doesn't think that this is real. I really don't wanna have to face my dad about it. That scares me even more than talking to my mom. I almost didn't tell her. The last night when this all started I told my mom that use trying to hold something against me. She decided to ask about it today. And so I guess that's the only reason I told her... with my dad if he doesn't know so I have to bring it up. And I don't think I can. I don't even want to be who I am anyway. I hate that I am not straight. It makes everything difficult. I really wish I could just be normal. I would make life too easy I guess. It's not like telling my parents changes anything. I'm still going to avoid dating a woman. It's just not in the plans that I've made.

In any case:
Today's Totals

Calories - 1626
Exercise - 222
Net Calories - 1404
Fat - 46
Carbs - 184
Fibre - 13
Sugar - 59
Protein - 121
Sodium - 2368

[MissJenaKay]

Told my dad today, he still thinks that it's immoral to be gay and I think he's disappointed. I wish I could say I feel better and that I feel relieved, but I don't, I feel guilty. I feel like I've done something wrong. I don't see how this whole coming out thing is supposed to make anyone feel better. My nerves are shot and I have a hug headache, I feel like I'm dying and I'm kind of wishing I was with the way I feel. I still don't know why I did this, I don't want to date women, they don't fit into my wants for the future. :\ Oh well, whatever.

[fitoverforty]

I still feel like I've done something wrong.

you did nothing wrong.

I mean I'm supposed to be the perfect child

No one is perfect. That is too high a standard for anyone to live up to. My mom once told me when I was 16 (after I had confided something to her) "I thought you were perfect" - let me tell you, that really hurt, and I felt much like you are describing. And even tho' I never forgot it, in time we got past it and as an adult I realized that she said that out of hurt and anger and shock. Her "little girl" wasn't so little anymore and was facing some grown up issues. Today and for many years I have a great relationship with my mom, she just made a mistake that day in how she handled it. I get that now. But when I think back on it I still feel that pain and understand how if feels to carry that "being perfect" burden.

And my mom clearly doesn't think that this is real.

That sounds like denial to me. She doesn't quite understand yet, or isn't ready yet to deal with it. Give her time, accept that she might not handle it well - or in the way she should.

Told my dad today

I am very proud of you Jena - that took so much courage and I respect you for that.

My nerves are shot and I have a hug headache

I would think so! It took alot out of you mentally and emotionally to do what you did!

I don't want to date women, they don't fit into my wants for the future

Only you know for sure what you truly want or feel. I think in time you will figure it all out, and will make your future fit you - who you truly are inside.

I still don't know why I did this

There is a reason for everything. You took a big step in doing that - and you can tell that guy to go jump off the nearest cliff (that's putting it nicely) he doesn't have anything on you anymore.
Hugs to you Jena, you really are an awesome person.

[MissJenaKay]

Thanks, Lynne, I appreciate the support, but I still feel horrible about the whole thing. I hate how this could change things and it's not like telling my parents will change anything in regards to my lack of a love life. I feel like this whole thing is just a big, stupid mistake. I should have never told anyone abbout my feelings. It's been nothing but stress and grief. I need to be as close to perfect in my actions as I can be. Because I don't have much else going for me and this is a huge screw up in that. If I don't strive for, and achieve perfection in the things that I do, I feel worthless. I hate this.

[Boss Man]

You may not believe this, but in time you and they will learn to be more understanding of the admissions.

Yes they may never completely get it, but being bi-sexual doesn't mean having to have to have both relationship types, at some point in your life, just because you feel similar emotions for males and females.

If you never had a female relationship, it wouldn't mean you were wasting those emotions, because how you feel doesn't have to correspond with what is best and if what is best for you includes no female dating, just male dating, thne that's perfectly okay.

You're prefectly normal, you're just a different and fairly unique kind of normal. It can be beautiful in its own way and it's certainly not wrong and you should never have to apologise for having less than common emotional view of males and females.

You still need time to understand and get used to what you have done and so do your parents, because something like this isn't straightforward or as simple as failing a driving test and booking a new one.

I want to also tell you I am really proud of you. I know you would have wished not to have to take these steps, but one thing to believe in is that in the future, even though you probably can't see it now, it could be a good thing if you end up being able to relax more about it, even if it takes 6 months or more, to feel more comfortale with what you've done.

I know you and I have differed on many occasions about our interpretations of you as a person, but I have identified a measure of strength and courage, I believed could exist in you. Being Bi-sexual doesn't make someone weak or in some way emotionally defective, it just makes them uniquely different as I mentioned before and telling others, doesn't make you less of a person, in fact for displaying that it of courage, strength and heart it makes you more of a person and you might not feel ready to emotionally commit feelings about females to an actual relationship, but one day you might, so don't necessarily rule it out, because if you do, you could be imposing emotional restrictions on yourself that aren't fair.

I can't tell you how you should feel, because it's all about you and how the coming days change or alter your behaviour, but I can say that I believe it will as I said before, get easier to live with this decision.

Of course I will be here for you if you need to talk, but trust me when I say, this is probably one of if not the bravest decision you have ever made and I really am proud of you for it and I hope one day you will truly see the positives others see in you.

Slowly but surely, more of the person you can be is surfacing and that can only be a good thing.

I don't know what your parents will still think next week, or the week after that, but you cannot change what you've said, so the only thing is to learn to live with the decision, but don't let it change who you are okay .

Don't feel horrible or bad for being pretty unique, because you shouldn't and you still have a great future ahead when your education comes good and you can find more outlets for your drawings.

You may not be able to believe properly, or realise properly, just what an amazing person you can potentially be, but you are capable of being somebody as long as you are willing to give that possibility even the smallest about of creedence.

GOOD LUCK, I really mean that. We remain here for you and I wouldn't mind if you were Bi-sexual, Lesbian, Straight, or someone who likes to put beer bottle boners on snowmen because for me it doesn't change the very essence and core of you as a person. That living, breathing individual with a lot of potential as a person .

Ultimately, hating yourself is a waste of time and energy and you will ALWAYS be worth so much more than that .

[MissJenaKay]

Okay, allow me to correct you on one thing, Boss, I'm not bisexual, I'm pansexual. I sure you probably don't know what that is, so here's a definition.

" Pansexuality (also referred to as omnisexuality or polysexuality) refers to the potential for sexual attractions, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction, towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes. Self-identified pansexuals may refer to themselves as gender-blind—that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others. The Oxford English Dictionary writes that pansexuality "encompasses all kinds of sexuality; not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or activity." Pansexuality can also mean the attraction to a person's personality, rather than their physical appearance or gender.

The concept of pansexuality deliberately rejects the gender binary, the idea that there are only two genders, as pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women." (This came from wikipedia, but it sums things up well)

I hope that clears that up. Another note, I've had two girlfriends in the past, both of which are very close friends of mine still.

I certainly hope that my decision becomes easier for me to handle since I've been shaky and have had a horrible headache ever since I told my dad eight hours ago. I feel sick, my mind is racing and I don't like it one bit.

I'm still extremely displeased with having to be in this situation at all considering my life would be SO much easier if I were just straight. I'm glad you accept me Boss, lol, if you didn't, this would be weird. Lol.

don't necessarily rule it out, because if you do, you could be imposing emotional restrictions on yourself that aren't fair.

I always put heavy restrictions on myself, it makes it easier to know what to aim for.

someone who likes to put beer bottle boners on snowmen

The beer bottle on my snowman was NOT a boner.


In any case....

Todays totals

Calories - 1509
Exercise - 296
Net Calories - 1213
Fat - 36g
Carbs - 193g
Fibre - 19g
Sugar - 76g
Protein - 104g
Sodium - 1767mg