Jena's Journal.

[MissJenaKay]

Okay, so my legs hurt even more this morning than they did yesterday. I also have a lot of tightness in my back, neck and shoulders as well. :c I hope it's gone by tonight. I really want to go work out tonight with Jenna. If my legs feel better by then, then I will go workout, if not, I might still go to the gym but only do some light cardio instead of doing the class. We'll see how I feel then. Also, I did my nails last night and this makes me happy. Haha. I have a bit of a nail polish obsession. xD Oh well, and with that little update, I need to go do my hair and get dressed and ready for class.

[Boss Man]

The way your body feels is understandable, because it was worked hard in that class, but over time the body should adapt and not feel so intense the next day.

You're probably feeling a certain amount of DOMS and also perhaps a little stiffness, but hopefully with time, such sesnations will subside more and you'll feel them less.

Don't let these things put you off. I know these physical sensations might feel a bit grotesque at the moment, but perserverence and a modicum of mental strength, will overcome these things, so you don't let what you feel put you off yeah .

You did a good thing, managing to do the class and you CAN continue to be proactive and capitalise on the weight loss you have so far achieved.

Chin up and keep believing Jena, you're doing great okay .

[MissJenaKay]

Boss, it's not just soreness, itms weakness as well. I can't walk down stairs without feeling as though my knees are going to buckle and give out. I'm even more sore today than I was yesterday. This is absolutely miserable. I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow. I'll probably skip leg work because my legs feel so screwed up but I'l try to do arm work and maybe some jogging or biking or something. We'll see. I'll put today's totals up tomorrow morning since I am in bed right now and too lazy to do it. Hahaha.

[MissJenaKay]

Okay, first off I'm going to pout at the fact that I woke up late and couldn't make it to the gym. I woke up at 8, and I have to be on a train to class by eleven. So I'd be cutting it WAY too close if I were to go to the gym. I'm going to go tonight though, I think. I also don't think I'm going to straighten my hair today since I'm going to go to the gym tonight, which means another shower and I don't want to straighten my hair two days in a row. I'll decide that later. Speaking of hair, does anyone know of any supplements or hair products I can use to keep it from getting damaged from the flatiron? I mean, I already use three different heat protectant products, but it's still making my hair get split ends much more quickly which is making me sad. Also, my legs are still killing me from Monday it's starting to get really concerning since the pain has only eased VERY slightly and I also have pain in my neck and shoulders and back now. :/ In any case.

Yesterday's Totals
Calories - 1208
Fat - 32
Carbs - 188
Fibre - 9
Sugar - 86
Protein - 45
Sodium - 1815

I've decided that I'm going to go to the gym right after class today. I'll get home from class about 2 and I'll go to the gym, then I have a meeting from 6-7 and I'm going to my friend Michelle's place for dinner tonight, I believe. c:

I definitely need to work on lowering sugar, raising fibre, getting more protein, and eating more in general.

I think I'll post what I'm eating today as a guide for what I generally eat in a day and then I'll look into things that I can replace with that will help to even out my levels and raise my calories some. c:

[Boss Man]

Good job on doing the workout later instead of not at all.

As for supplements for hair, some supplements have positive effects on hair like Omega supplements or CLA might as well, but in general perhaps use a different shampoo, or maybe some kind of serum. I think you can get such products that help protect you from heat damage whilst you use something like straighteners.

Otherwise it could be the straighteners might need changing, or perhaps it's a setting issue, or simply leaving them to heat up for too long.

[MissJenaKay]

Thanks for the suggestions Boss, I've been looking into a new flatiron for a while, one that will be better for my hair, but I don't have 200-300 dollars to just spend on a new flatiron. In any case, I went to the gym today and I found the scale and weighed myself and after a tiny bit of estimation and math to subtract the weight of my clothes, I'm down 3 more pounds! c: This brings my running weightloss total to 12lbs! c: Yay! That means that I must be doing something right c:

In other news, I said that I would track what I ate today as a guide to see where I could do better.

8:00 wake up
9:00 AM - 4 oz Light Peach Yogurt
10:30 - 4 oz vanilla soy milk and a small handful of almonds
11:30 - 1/2 a chicken sandwich and 1/3 a grande caramel frappucino (I had to throw the rest away because my class is in a computer lab. :c :c I love fraps...)
1:30 - Special K Bar
2:30 - Burrito (tortilla, rice, pork, black beans, corn, onion, sauteed onion and pepper)
3:00 - Workout
- 2 sets 12 chest press at 50lbs
- 2 sets 12 rows at 50lbs
- 2 sets 12 back extension at 80lbs
- 42 minutes of stationary biking
4:10 - Protein shake
7:30 - 2 hot dogs
11:00 - poptart

I actually ate a lot more today than I usually do... Hmm... In any case...

Today's Totals

Calories - 1816
Exercise - 416
Net Calories - 1400 (haha, that worked out perfectly. xD)
Fat - 74 High again today
Carbs - 178
Fibre - 9
Sugar - 84
Protein - 70
Sodium - 2304

Anywho. I have class in the morning, then I'm off to my friend Andrea's for the night tomorrow so I need some sleep. c:

[musculArgirl2]

Congrats on the weight loss Jena! Yay!!!!!

[Boss Man]

Keep up the hard work and don't stop believing.

You CAN do this .

[MissJenaKay]

Thanks Becky and Boss.

I've been really busy this past weekend, I went out to my friend Andrea's house outside the city for a night and all kinds of stuff has been going on. Yesterday, as I had hoped, Jenna, Sarah and I went to the fitness class again. I feel like I didn't put as much effort into it this time because I was so afraid of getting the crippling muscle soreness that I got last time. I'm both glad and disappointed at that. I'm hoping to get into more of a schedule with my workouts too since I've been pretty sporadic. I also didn't eat very well this weekend including cupcakes (3 over the weekend), pizza (twice) and homemade Chinese food... not good by any means but it was delicious. xD In any case, I've come to really dislike my drawing class because I really hate what she is having us practice, the techniques we are using and the assignments. "Large" assignment number one? Draw a root.... Really?? what the hell. A root?? I have to go outside, pull up some poor plant and draw its roots..... I am beyond annoyed, I really don't see how these types of assignments are beneficial to me at all. :/ But I have to do them. Also, I have a new-found and morbid hatred of charcoal. Oh god that stuff is terrible. I CANNOT stand dirty hands and charcoal not only gets my hands dirty, it gets EVERYTHING dirty. Anyway, I'm done raging about my drawing class now.

In other news, I met with Fowzia for the last time on Saturday and she gave me a list of references, I don't know if I want to even pursue any of the referrals. Mainly because I feel like therapy, any more, is just a waste of my time and money. Namely because I don't trust therapists enough to actually be fully honest about things. Oh well, I figure something out eventually. If I feel like I need help, I'll look into the referrals, however, right now, I don't want to be bothered with it.

In any case, I have a few days of tracking to update you guys on. c:

Friday

Calories - 1230
Fat - 18
Carbs - 210
Fibre - 17
Sugar - 123 (wow high)
Protein - 41
Sodium - 725

Saturday (Didn't track, was the day I was at Andrea's in the morning and then on a train in the afternoon, then a meeting with Fowzia and so... yeah)

Sunday (Ate terribly)

Calories - 2145
Exercise - 189
Net Calories - 1956
Fat - 88
Carbs - 250
Fibre - 13
Sugar - 83
Protein - 76
Sodium - 3193

Monday

Calories - 1775
Exercise - 503
Net Calories - 1272
Fat - 37
Carbs - 306
Fibre - 19
Sugar - 111
Protein - 43
Sodium - 3010

I didn't eat terribly yesterday, but I definitely should have eaten better, I'm really hoping today I will eat well, I'm off to a good start with a glass of soy milk, a clementine and 4oz of yogurt for breakfast. I also need to get back to greek yogurt, normal yogurt has seen my protein values drop quite a bit.

[Boss Man]

Just a thought, but if you don't trust these people enough to be honest with them, as you imply, how do you know you're wasting your time going in the first place?

Being more candid, if you were not being totally candid from the getgo, might yield more productive and enlightening feelings about what you were going through, and teach you more .

[MissJenaKay]

Hey guys, it's been a little while since I've been on here, I partially blame school work. The past few days haven't been bad, however, I have been undereating, I haven't worked out in a couple days (though I AM going after class today), I've been oversleeping and my depression has been nagging at me and I ended up getting into somewhat of an argument with a friend yesterday over my depression and stuff, so... meh. Anyway, I HAVE been tracking, I just haven't been posting. Thought I'd let you guys know.

Just a thought, but if you don't trust these people enough to be honest with them, as you imply, how do you know you're wasting your time going in the first place?

Being more candid, if you were not being totally candid from the get go, might yield more productive and enlightening feelings about what you were going through, and teach you more .

I know I'm wasting my time because I just CANNOT talk to people face to face about what's happening with me and be honest about it. It's too scary for me and so I tend to withhold information, which I know if I'm not completely honest, therapy does no good. So I don't think I'm going to bother looking into the references that Fowzia gave me. I just can't be candid with people without knowing them for a long while. It's the way I was raised and it also makes me feel safer. Oh well.

[Boss Man]

I'll tell you something honest about your mild aversion to your therapy .

This reminds me very much of the initial relationship, between Will Hunting and Shaun the therapist, in the film Good Will Hunting. If you have not seen it, an intelligent young man from a troubled background, who works menial jobs, struggles to confront darker elements of his past, so he hides them and therefore has difficulty, socialising with qualified people who try to help him.

Even Shaun does not want to help him intially, after one session, as he sees Will as arrogant and someone who has lived his life in books, not with huge emotion and experience and also because Will makes assumptions and judgements about him, based almost entirely on nothing but what he can see in the room.

The bond of trust eventually becomes established and eventually Will learns to recognise, how the failings of others that shaped him, were not determined in part by him and that he was just a casualty to some extent, of his own childhood.

He is then able to reconcile himself to a large degree, with who he is and rationalise more the meaning and expressions of his character, personality and inner self and it allows him to recognise things he should do, to enhance his life and to experience more of what he has had little to no personal understanding of, outside of words and pictures.

You yourself seem to portay this character to some degree, in your actions by, to my way of looking at it, believing that the person trying to help you is either against you in some way, or would be trying to change the unchangeable, as if you might be scared, that some sort of psychological fix to the ordered chaos within you, will make you worse in some way, or make you confront aspects of your past, you fear the most and would see as the most hurtful things you have lived to witness, around or against you.

I appreciate your life must have been hard growing up and one you should never have had to know, but one question you can ask yourself, is how long can you continue to let certain aspects of your past control how you feel, live or build a future for yourself?

You deserve a great life Jena, but you could be hurting your chances of a great life, if you are unable to quash some of the demons that are inside of you and learn to move on from some of those things .

I'm saying what I'm saying becasue I car about you and want you to be happy sweetheart. You can be such a lovely, charming person sometimes and I've seen the good in you because I know it's there and depe down you do too.

However you may think in some way you're damaged and such damages can't be fixed, but I see someone who is not beyond help and can see a more complete person that you could be .

Nothing bad you have ever experienced in your life is your fault and you must believe that, because it's true .

Not being open with strangers is a good way to be raised. Don't necessarily trust every man jack and child that seems nice, but I know if I needed to be honest and truthful with someone, like a Doctor, or a financial expert, or someone supposedly qualified to help me with my problem(s), my problem(s) could never be accurately assessed and helpd to go away.

Only you can make this decision about these referrals and whatever you decide I WILL be someone that will support your decision, I give you my word okay, but I would say that if you ever needed to be more upfront about aspects of your life with others, then you have that right and and that chance and that chance is now and if you don't take it and speak to one or more other people, you could be living with feelings and memories inside of you, that hurt and hinder your ability to build the life you so richly deserve.

I know you're shy, I know you're depressed sometimes, hate yourself sometimes, self loathe sometimes, feel inadequate sometimes and feel like you're fighting to live a life that is anything close to normal and I will always be PROUD OF YOU for not giving up on yourself, but you shouldn't have to live in the shadow of your past or your feelings, or be a victim to them, because you deserve more than a future that has restricted growth, because certain situations and experiences remain a no-no becasue of how you feel or what you have known.

I know you know I'm making sense, because you know I really do want the best for you and I want you to be happy, but why should you limit your own potential, by letting things you feel or have experienced dictate what you can do or achieve, when telling someone like this Fowzia or a similar person, who wants to care and wants to help you to love yourself more and value yourself more, could be such a liberating experience for you.

I know you might have to confront old feelings and hurt, but by learning to give them less house room and respect and learning to find different ways to overcome them and conquor them, you could really give yourself more emotional and mental space to grow and blossom as a person.

You really really are worth so much Jena, so much, because you are such an intelligent person and sometimes a very beautiful light as well and you deserve to live a life that means even more to you than it must do right now.

You deserve to be happy and successful an feel special and beautiful sweetheart, because you are so wonderfully unique and because ou can make great strides forward in life, that can't be made later on when many years have passed and if another therapist can help you do that, because you say something like, Hi my name is Jena Kay and I'm a mixed bag of emotions looking for more clarity and beauty in my life, please can I show you part of myself, so you can help me, then that has to be a good thing right .

Forget what you got told as a kid about strangers for a few moments. This is not some guy moving in next door or anything like that, or a stranger in the park trying to befriend you, this is about a person with qualifications, wanting to respect you, care about you and help you find the real beauty of you and you deserve to be given their time and attention, to try to make it happen, because whoever they may be, it's their job to help you and you being truely transparent with then can help you overcome some of your past and move on more easily.

This is your life, your potentially beautiful life and you don't need to be holding yourself back, because you are worth SO MUCH more than that

As I say though I will support any decision you make on this and I know you know that. I can't do more than I do do, it's no possible, but I care anough to spend my time showing that to you however I feel is right.

You don't owe me anything, and I will NEVER, EVER ask you to repay me, or to give me anything more than a modicum of respect and understanding for it, but you are starting to make a life for yourself and you and you alone can have the greatest control over that and can allow yourself to move forwards more positively if you want to, by making some potentially tough, but also potentially rewarding and life changing choices.

Please think a little more carefully about your decision to give the referrals the elbow and your unwillingness to be a little more open to people as well, because if the opportunity changes your life for the better and you reject it, you might be living in the shadow of your past experiences and feelings for a long time to come and you will struggle to find more of the truly beautiful young Lady you are capable of being .

It's your choice, but please believe I am trying my best to understand and be supportive to you, because I don't want to see you living for many years, with the feelings and hurt you have NEVER deserved to know and feel, because you are so much more of a person than you have ever realised, you really are .

BIG, BIG HUGS

[MissJenaKay]

First I'll get my update for today out of the way.

Today's Totals
Calories - 2014 (kinda high, but I'm glad it's high with as much as I worked out today)
Exercise - 972 (I did TWO 35 minute sessions on the elliptical today)
Net Calories - 1042
Fat - 91
Carbs - 205
Sugar - 88
Fibre - 17
Protein - 96
Sodium - 2669

And now.... my reply to Boss.

Thanks, so much, Boss for everything you do for me. The thing is that I just get really embarrassed talking about things that are wrong. I don't even tell you a lot of the things that torment me in my head, and I trust you a HELL of a lot. I just . . . I don't know. I guess that I just care SO much about my appearance to others in my attitude and personality that I'm afraid to let the darker, less public things out. The thing is though, I don't know that I even WANT them to get out of my head and my heart, simply because I don't know what they'll do. I mean this summer was a perfect example, I came out to my parents, but only after I was blackmailed and forced into it. I had a near breakdown and cried for hours before I had to do it, and had a raging headache for days afterword. Letting things out that could change people's perceptions of me in a negative direction are just things that I hate to do. I refuse to. I'm not 100% honest with anyone. I'm not a transparent person and I don't know that I ever want to be. I just can't handle facing fears. I know that can't is a terrible word, and I know that if Brent were around, he would definitely not approve and probably give me an earful, but I just can't face fears unless I'm forced to and then I feel traumatized for days. Hell, one of my fears is having to call establishments. I hate booking appointments because I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack every time I have to do so. That in and of itself is enough for me to want to call it off with calling up and booking an appointment for a new psychologist. I just.... I know I'm highly restricted by my fears, but by obeying them, I feel better, I feel safer. Albeit nothing changes, but what's so wrong with staying the same? Why are we humans so entranced with change that we feel EVERYTHING must move forward. I'm fucked up and I know that. But it's what I'm used to and even though I hate it and it hurts so much, I'd almost prefer it just because I KNOW what it's like. I know what to expect, how it will feel. I'm afraid of changing. I know it's a really stupid way to be, and that it counteracts so much that I want and believe in, but it's how I feel. If someone could call and make the appointment and go with me, I'd be able to go, but I hate taking the steps. I hate meeting people. And I feel like I waste money with therapists because until I trust them and until I'm willing to open up to them even in the slightest, I'm just wasting my money and time. However, I feel even more like I waste my time and money when I don't even see any sort of connection starting to form, and that's how I was with Fowzia. 6 months of meeting with her and I was still lying about how I felt, and stonewalling her when she brought up certain things. It was a waste, but now I'm too afraid to try again. Life sucks. Then you die. The end.

[Boss Man]

If it were even possible, I'd be going with you to an appointment and being someone who could hold your hand and make you feel it was okay to challenge the demons and speak out against them .

If I could be in the same room as you at some point, like a student rooms or something like that, I would be and giving you such a massive hug and if you wanted to do that for a whole hour, I'd let you, just so you could have a massive release, cry all you wanted and feel a lot of warmth you've probably never known too often, just to let you feel something you could potentially experience in the future, by perhaps learning to confront and / or letting go of some of the demons and pain from your past .

People don't have to conform in certain ways no, nor should they be forced too, but where with someone who is Bipolar, they must live with what they are, because it cannot be cured, just managed, you would have more of a chance to be relieved of your problems to some extent, by letting yourself confront the things you fear to speak of.

The fear you have as you say, is that letting these things loose could make things worse, which I was right to elude to in my previous post and make others see you for less than they do now.

You would then find out however, who the real people were, that could see you for the person you are, which is the innocent party in the incidences you have witnessed and felt first hand, not someone who is not safe to be around or dangerous to know .

People who thought that, would prove to be people that were fake and drag you down and hold you back and a true person would understand and see you as you the innocent party you have been in your life .

I know that what you have known as a childhood is not your fault. You never asked to be born into a life that exposed you to pain and hurt and a life that forced you to feel dismissive of positive things and fear them being bitterswit and turning sour, or being a smokescreen for a proverbial kick in the teeth and yes sometimes good things can go bad, but if you let those things create a constant fear or critisim of the positives, you will never learn to properly realise, that so many positive experiences stay that way and that happiness is something you can have, not just the lucky "others" in this world .

You could stay being the person you are and live with that darkness you have harboured deep down inside for a lifetime, or you could be such a wonderfully brave person and tell someone, whoever that is, whether it's me, a therapist or anyone, just how deep some of the darkness extends and the scars go .

Are you never curious to know, if true happiness is a pursuit that is worthy of your time and attention, or do you believe true happiness is something you are not allowed to know, as if for some reason you have been born to be punished, so that somewhere in the world someone else can have a joyous life and thus the earth has a harmony of sorts, I.E. for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

You are what you are now, but is trying to change conforming to others wishes, or merely you suddenly having an epiphany about how you CAN control more of your life.

The thing you were forced to do about coming out, wasn't pleasant, but how would you have felt if you'd taken the step without being stressed, pressurised or harrassed into it, if you had been so courageous and thought screw it I'm going to say something?

Do you still think in all honesty, you would have felt as badly as you say you did after the event, had you been brave enough ot do it without any outside influences?

Opening up to people is not you being forced to conform or change against your wishes, it's about you finding ways to challange and improve how you live and want to live an learning to try and forget more, the past and move on and be happier.

You're not unique and plenty of people have been through some awful childhoods, but they turned out to be inspiring, amazing people, because they saw the good in themsleves, they realised they were innocents, not people born to be punished for some reason and they saw that it doesn't have to be a repeated effect, where they become some sort of abuser in later life to their children and repeat the cycle, they realise they can be someone greater, when they don't have the people and influences in their life anymore.

You are someone that deserves to know true happiness Jena and deserves to feel beautiful and a valid individual in the world.

I completely understand your fears, I really do and I know it must seem hard to think that if you speak of the real darkness inside of you it will make things worse and cause people to think you're damaged goods, or evil or broekn beyond repair, but those are the fakes and the real people like me, will never think less of you for being you, because you're not to blame for why you are like you are .

I would NEVER push, coerse or pressurise you into anything and I would never blame you for anything you do, just like I've never blamed or admonished you for your occasional outbursts at me, because I don't see someone disrespecting me or lookin like a brat, I see someone confused, scared and a maelstrom of emotions doing whatever feels natural in the moment or whatever emotions seem to happen just then.

I know you have never said anything on here that looked angry to try and hurt me or punish me for opening my inner self to you unconditionally and I never will think less of you for some things you say, because I know deep down it's you "in a moment", or you fighting against urges to say something different, to what you just feel you simply cannot say.

I will ALWAYS try to be here for you like I have before and if there is ever a time you really feel like you can try to make more sense of or confront the darker sides of yourself, don't hesitate to touch base with me please, because I will try to understand and never critisise reveal or judge anything you tell me.

The fact you are still here trying to change your weight and trying to record what you do and have not given up on yourself makes me really proud of you and whatever good things about you I see in you that you don't, I know 100% that you have the ability to one day recognise them yourself.

Whatever happens though, you don't need to change for anyone but yourself. Changing yourself is not a something to please others, but to understand and improve yourself more if you want to.

Think about how much you've experienced before, than think about how bad could it be to confront those things again to try and overcome them. Yes painful memories, but can they really be as or more painful as experiencing what happened when it happened?

I would say honestly, they can't be. I'm 99.99% convinced of that.

As ever though if you have anythin at all, absolutely anything at all you need to get off your chest and feel you just can't do it here, PM me, just please do say as much about anything as you want. I'm not a therapist or a qualified head space analyst of any kind, just someone with an unexplainable knack of understanding people a lot of the time and I am unconditionally yours to harrass, badger and pester anytime at all, so don't ever be afraid to speak to me about absolutely anything, because I give you my word I ma not going to quit on you unless you quit on me .

Keep believing in yourself and keep on pushing for what you want, you're doing great right now and I AM!!!! PROUD OF YOU .

[MissJenaKay]

As per yesterday, I'll post my totals first, then I'll reply to Boss.

Calories - 1673
Fat - 72
Carbs - 162
Sugar - 68
Protein - 62
Sodium - 2936

If it were even possible, I'd be going with you to an appointment and being someone who could hold your hand and make you feel it was okay to challenge the demons and speak out against them .

If I could be in the same room as you at some point, like a student rooms or something like that, I would be and giving you such a massive hug and if you wanted to do that for a whole hour, I'd let you, just so you could have a massive release, cry all you wanted and feel a lot of warmth you've probably never known too often, just to let you feel something you could potentially experience in the future, by perhaps learning to confront and / or letting go of some of the demons and pain from your past .

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Boss, I never knew you were such a marshmallow! That's probably the cutest/sweetest thing I've ever seen you write.

People don't have to conform in certain ways no, nor should they be forced too, but where with someone who is Bipolar, they must live with what they are, because it cannot be cured, just managed, you would have more of a chance to be relieved of your problems to some extent, by letting yourself confront the things you fear to speak of.

The fear you have as you say, is that letting these things loose could make things worse, which I was right to elude to in my previous post, and make others see you for less than they do now.

You would then find out however, who the real people were, that could see you for the person you are, which is the innocent party in the incidences you have witnessed and felt first hand, not someone who is not safe to be around or dangerous to know .

People who thought that, would prove to be people that were fake and drag you down and hold you back and a true person would understand and see you as you the innocent party you have been in your life .

But I don't want to make people think less of me. :c Regardless of who they are. I like being that one person that everyone can come to, knowing that I'll love and care for you, help you with everything that I can and not ask for anything but a chance to be cared for in the future.

You could stay being the person you are and live with that darkness you have harboured deep down inside for a lifetime, or you could be such a wonderfully brave person and tell someone, whoever that is, whether it's me, a therapist or anyone, just how deep some of the darkness extends and the scars go .

Most of what I'm not comfortable with is things that aren't necessarily dark or scars, but things that are just so highly shameful and embarrassing for me to acknowledge.

Are you never curious to know, if true happiness is a pursuit that is worthy of your time and attention, or do you believe true happiness is something you are not allowed to know, as if for some reason you have been born to be punished, so that somewhere in the world someone else can have a joyous life and thus the earth has a harmony of sorts, I.E. for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Oh, I'm pretty much always curious as to what it would be like to be genuinely happy, not just a little giddy for a short time. But fear is stronger than my curiosity it seems.

You are what you are now, but is trying to change conforming to others wishes, or merely you suddenly having an epiphany about how you CAN control more of your life.

The thing you were forced to do about coming out, wasn't pleasant, but how would you have felt if you'd taken the step without being stressed, pressured or harassed into it, if you had been so courageous and thought screw it I'm going to say something?

Do you still think in all honesty, you would have felt as badly as you say you did after the event, had you been brave enough to do it without any outside influences?

I know I would have never screwed up the courage to do it, I never have, with anything. It'll be in my throat, making a knot, my heart racing and everything in my heart and soul telling me to just do it and I can't. I can't make the words work and I can't make the sound come out. I don't know how I would have felt afterward, because I can honestly tell you that it would never have happened, and I still pretend that it didn't. I won't date women and I won't tell anyone else in my family. I feel like it's better for me to just pretend.

I completely understand your fears, I really do and I know it must seem hard to think that if you speak of the real darkness inside of you it will make things worse and cause people to think you're damaged goods, or evil or broekn beyond repair, but those are the fakes and the real people like me, will never think less of you for being you, because you're not to blame for why you are like you are .

I would NEVER push, coerce or pressure you into anything and I would never blame you for anything you do, just like I've never blamed or admonished you for your occasional outbursts at me, because I don't see someone disrespecting me or looking like a brat, I see someone confused, scared and a maelstrom of emotions doing whatever feels natural in the moment or whatever emotions seem to happen just then.

I know you have never said anything on here that looked angry to try and hurt me or punish me for opening my inner self to you unconditionally and I never will think less of you for some things you say, because I know deep down it's you "in a moment", or you fighting against urges to say something different, to what you just feel you simply cannot say.

Boss, it's not a matter of fake or not. Everyone is precious to me, no matter how terribly they treat me and no matter how much they use me. I love people and I want to be someone that ANYONE can turn to for love and care. I'm glad you understand that I only lash out when I'm hurt or scared, a lot of people just chalk it up to me being a bitch or something.

Think about how much you've experienced before, than think about how bad could it be to confront those things again to try and overcome them. Yes painful memories, but can they really be as or more painful as experiencing what happened when it happened?

I would say honestly, they can't be. I'm 99.99% convinced of that.[/quote[

Honestly, it hurts even more to think about them, because not only do I remember how it felt, I remember how fucked up it is and how sick it makes me feel to even think of it. I hate even going anywhere near those thoughts. They sicken me and I hate them and I don't want anything to do with them.

As ever though if you have anything at all, absolutely anything at all you need to get off your chest and feel you just can't do it here, PM me, just please do say as much about anything as you want. I'm not a therapist or a qualified head space analyst of any kind, just someone with an unexplainable knack of understanding people a lot of the time and I am unconditionally yours to harrass, badger and pester anytime at all, so don't ever be afraid to speak to me about absolutely anything, because I give you my word I ma not going to quit on you unless you quit on me .

Keep believing in yourself and keep on pushing for what you want, you're doing great right now and I AM!!!! PROUD OF YOU .

Thanks so much, Boss. You're an amazing person and I love you so much for everything you do. I wish I could give back somehow, but what am I supposed to do? You seem to never be down, or at least you never show it, are you sure you're human?? Haha. Thanks for EVERYTHING.