Lu; speaking about your issues is a key cornerstone to change. Identify failings then work to resolve them. Yes you have the equipment at home, but it would be easy to suddenly go urrgh, just looking at it and I can understand how that might happen.
Bear in mind you spent most of your life not living like this, so just like the individual who lives 35-40+ years with a weight problem, you lived with a long time fitness decline, through certain habits, so it's understandable that certain entrenched attitudes to life will come back sometimes and overcome you, especially becasue you were not young and thrusting when you started this, so you didn't have a good 10-20 years of constant effort, before age made it feel like it might be starting to be like more of a taxation.
I've known people like that,. that committed so much in earlier life, but are sporadic in their middle age, espeically if the greater commitment from earlier years, came from some sort of sporting interests or the military.
Edgar HF who used to be on here, was a prime example of a military man, who let it slide when he left, because suddenly the lack of forced routine, from being potentially too senior to be the man he started out as, or just from getting fed up of the life he lead, probably encouraged a looser mindset to wellbeing, causing his reluctance to treat his body right for years, until age told him to get moving again.
For me, it was probably easier to get started, as I was 23 and not very active, but I was a bit moreso in younger days, when doing the usual childhood larking about and when school made me, but I wasn't someone with bad habits, so I was the inbetweener, neither living a bad life nor a very good one, so age and being in the middle of the spectrum, probably helped me to get into it and commit properly without derailing the train several times.
Admitting you have had problems being consistent is okay, believe that because it's true. There is a beautiful truth to words like yours and I think it's so heart-warming, when you can be honest in a way that makes what you see as failings, look like a reason to smile and say "there you go, I externalised my feelings and I feel better now, knowing other people will get it and it makes it more real and more difficult to hide from, but that's good as it means I can try to recover from this now."
That is something I have always admired in you, the fact you don't come across as sounding pitying or whiney, (that is not implying anything about anyone else here past or present), but the fact you are honest, truthful and a little brutal withyourself at times, but not overly critical or harsh that much.
You'r a really, really good person and a very genuine and heart-warming Lady and I am happy that you have been able to express yourself like this, because I want you to feel something really, really positive from this, because I think you deserve to
Nobody likes to admit negative things about themselves, because we want to be pretty flawless, every hour of every day, barring minor things like moments of forgetfullness and clumsiness, but not flawed by way of repetitive daily actions and / or on / off behaviour patterns, that dog us for years.
I have never stopped believing that you CAN achieve what you want and you CAN continue to do what is right for you, if you believe enough in it and believe in your own ability to make it happen.
I am sending you a BIG PAT ON THE BACK
, because I am proud of you for talking about your detachment issues to good living and I know you wil make this happen, because you're a long time dead and someone with a lot to give to yourself as well as others.
Keep believing and GOOD LUCK.
You are a wonderful person and you ARE capable of showing yourself, the kind of humanity you extend to others