Jena's Journal.

[MissJenaKay]

Meditation is about learning to recognize thoughts as thoughts and nothing more. You sit in a pose that is designed to re-align your nervous system (it's kinda uncomfortable to begin with, but you get used to it), and you stare at a wall. When you first start, there will be tons and tons of thoughts running through your head, and your goal is to just say, "okay, that's a thought" and let it go (instead of being like, "this is boring, I could be exercising right now, and I don't think this is doing anything" and letting your thoughts take over). Over time, there are less and less thoughts, and that transfers over to the rest of your day.

Details on the pose are here: http://homepage.mac.com/doubtboy/ZazenInstructions.html

I can't do the lotus postures, so I just sit cross-legged. You can start with 5 minutes and work your way up to 20-30 a day. Most serious practitioners do 20-30 minutes twice a day.

I can definitely tell a difference when I am practicing versus when I don't...I don't get as irritated as easily when I practice, and I have less distracting thoughts going through my head.

I like Brad's writings because he's honest. He's a punk rocker who worked on monster movies in Japan for a while, then became a Zen monk. Not your traditional religious figure.

Okay, problem with this.... I have no where I could do this. I don't have any blank walls either, and staring a a wall that has sticky notes and a calendar and photos and cards on it probably wouldn't help.

[MissJenaKay]

All you need is a place to sit down on the floor. I had a closet-sized dorm room myself, and there was still room to sit on the floor...granted it was just in one tiny space, but it was there. You can also face a door.

I don't want to creep my roommate out..... :/ :/ After all, I have to live with her.

[Boss Man]

You need to recognise the good things about you Jena. Yes, you are special in your own unique way, you just don't realise it yet.

Don't be afraid of the person you truly could be. A more positive happy person is who you could be, so why be afraid to believe in it and leave yourself open to a limited existence, where you never feel like you've achieved much, because you can't see how much might be possible to achieve.

Keep making each day count for you and don't let the person you could become feel like a pipedream, because she's not.

[MissJenaKay]

I have to say that I've never met someone who has an excuse to avoid EVERYthing. So there, we've found something that you can do better than everyone else.

If you really want start to quiet down those thoughts, give meditation a try...it can't hurt. It will just help you to realize that thoughts are just thoughts and that nobody spends all their time judging you. But everyone has a different path. I just hope you find your way to a path that's good for you.

I don't try to make excuses on purpose. It just ends up happening because I'm so afraid of making other people think things of me that I would not like them to think of me. i.e. I don't need my roommate thinking I'm a freak.

As for the meditataion thing. Can it be adapted? Is there a way that I can do it in a less conspicuous way? If there is a way I can do it without having to worry about what others may think, then I'll definitely do it.

You need to recognise the good things about you Jena. Yes, you are special in your own unique way, you just don't realise it yet.

Don't be afraid of the person you truly could be. A more positive happy person is who you could be, so why be afraid to believe in it and leave yourself open to a limited existence, where you never feel like you've achieved much, because you can't see how much might be possible to achieve.

Keep making each day count for you and don't let the person you could become feel like a pipedream, because she's not.

I'm not afraid of the person I could truly be, I'm afraid of the unknowns in the process of getting there.

Also, what is a "pipedream"??

[MissJenaKay]

something that will never happen.

Thanks. :]

[MissJenaKay]

They say the posture is the most important part as it gets your body in alignment...so besides sitting cross-legged on the floor, there's really not another way. Folks with bad knees sometimes sit up straight in chairs, but it's not the same since your spine is at a slightly different angle.

Well, then this is a problem. . . I want to give it a try, but I don't want to sit on the floor in front of my door.

[Fygle]

Well, then this is not a problem. . . I want to give it a try, I want to sit on the floor in front of my door.

I fixed it for you.

You are pretty lucky, you have a bunch of people here being incredibly helpful towards you, despite your overwhelming negativity towards everything. You'd make it easier on them if you showed a little more cooperation.

[MissJenaKay]

8:00 Wake up

11:32
-- Omelette :: Mushroom, Onion, Pepper, Sausage.
-- Sausage Patty (I was in a sausage mood)
-- Orange Juice

12:28
-- Sunchips (2 oz)

3:35
-- String Cheese
-- Fuse Defensify

5:20
-- Burrito Bowl :: Pork, Rice, Beans, Corn, Cheese, Sour Cream.

@ Fygle :: I'm trying to cooperate. I'm negative, I know that, I hate that I am negative and I want to change it. I don't mean to be a pain. And I really want to try these things, I'm just too afraid to try things that might end up making me feel worse. :/ I know I'm extremely lucky to have so many awesome people willing to help me, and I feel terrible that I'm being so stubborn.

[musculargirl]

I undertand how you feel Jena, i think a lot of people do. It is hard to join things alone especially, I still have a hard time and i'm much older than you! All i know is I think eventually you will do it and you may have success or you may not like the group. It all depends on the people and what you are doing and if you like it. I once joined a fused glassmaking class. I am totally not crafty like that. I barely passed my art classes in school. I was really intimidated and i went by myself. And then when i was there i was asking the instructor for help and she said she would help me now but if i took the next class she wouldn't help me cut the glass after that. (i kept breaking the glass when i cut it. ) I never did take the second class. the people in the group were talented and had a knack for that kind of thing, i wasn't very good at it. I wish i would of stuck with it though!!

So I definitely know where your coming from. I hope you are able to overcome your fears though Jena.. the hardest part sometimes is just getting your foot in the door for the first time. You will have some classes you enjoy and some you can't wait to get the hell out of but that is just the way it is. Good Luck!

[MissJenaKay]

I undertand how you feel Jena, i think a lot of people do. It is hard to join things alone especially, I still have a hard time and i'm much older than you! All i know is I think eventually you will do it and you may have success or you may not like the group. It all depends on the people and what you are doing and if you like it. I once joined a fused glassmaking class. I am totally not crafty like that. I barely passed my art classes in school. I was really intimidated and i went by myself. And then when i was there i was asking the instructor for help and she said she would help me now but if i took the next class she wouldn't help me cut the glass after that. (i kept breaking the glass when i cut it. ) I never did take the second class. the people in the group were talented and had a knack for that kind of thing, i wasn't very good at it. I wish i would of stuck with it though!!

So I definitely know where your coming from. I hope you are able to overcome your fears though Jena.. the hardest part sometimes is just getting your foot in the door for the first time. You will have some classes you enjoy and some you can't wait to get the hell out of but that is just the way it is. Good Luck!

I went to one meeting. I went to a meeting for the DePaulia (the school newspaper) and I hated it. It wasn't even a meeting, really. It was basically just "here are the stories I need covered", talk to the editor for the section you want to write for then leave. It was awful. The only reason I went to that is because I was required to go to a club meeting for a class. I just don't know how to make the fear go away. I've tried everything I can think of.

[musculargirl]

So Depaulia didn't work. Keep trying!!

I wish it was a easy answer for you but i think its just time and experience! I use to be really shy around guys. I mean REALLY shy in high school. But that kind of just changed wth time I'm not even exactly sure when it changed but it did. not that I'm miss outgoing now but i'm much better than when i was 18. Have you ever seen Rudy?? I love that story. I love how people think he's full of sh*t and yet he just believes in his dream so much that he doesn't let what other people say stop him. He doesn't care what others think of him. I can't say i"ve always been like rudy in that sense, but it is really something i like to watch and try to follow. I'm glad you tried joining the newspaper. too Bad you didn't like it, all i have to say is try something else!!

[MissJenaKay]

So Depaulia didn't work. Keep trying!!

I wish it was a easy answer for you but i think its just time and experience! I use to be really shy around guys. I mean REALLY shy in high school. But that kind of just changed wth time I'm not even exactly sure when it changed but it did. not that I'm miss outgoing now but i'm much better than when i was 18. Have you ever seen Rudy?? I love that story. I love how people think he's full of sh*t and yet he just believes in his dream so much that he doesn't let what other people say stop him. He doesn't care what others think of him. I can't say i"ve always been like rudy in that sense, but it is really something i like to watch and try to follow. I'm glad you tried joining the newspaper. too Bad you didn't like it, all i have to say is try something else!!

But I didn't even want to try the DePaulia. It was required in my class. I'm shy around everyone. It's awful. I'm actually much better than I used to be. I used to not be able to even go into stores by myself, I still refuse to be the first person to walk into the store when I'm in a group. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to get over my fear... :/

[musculargirl]

I think you will. Everyone has things they have to overcome, everyone. A lot of times things aren't easy in life I think we all know that too! Maybe you should just try to make some small goals you can try to achieve and start there.

[MissJenaKay]

I think you will. Everyone has things they have to overcome, everyone. A lot of times things aren't easy in life I think we all know that too! Maybe you should just try to make some small goals you can try to achieve and start there.

Like what?? I don't know what to do since I've tried all the ideas I have.

[musculargirl]

What kind of classes, or sports or groups would you want to join if you had no fear about it? What are you good at??

The newspaper, can you just sign up to write articles or volunteer for certain articles. Maybe that could be a goal. You already went to a meeting. You could volunteer to write one article, maybe?? Just a thought if that's what you like to do..