C-tina's work out blog!

[rockchick_82808]

thank u so much for your support. even though my bfs family is trying to eat better i am the only one who is working out. not just here but even out of all my friends. im the only one who is active. in the summer im usually good at talking my friends into going for walks and shoot hoops for fun. but if i dont make the move first no one does it. im not saying im trying to be responsible for them but its hard on my own. i dont really have anyone to push me but myself. not like its a bad thing it will help me with my will power but some days i need a swift kick in the ass. lol.

this morning i decided to work out again. i decided to really focus on cardio this time. i wont get rid of weights entirely but i always used weights as an escape route for a good cardio workout(unless its cardio boxing i love it!). i have to say i really felt my abs work today. i did burn a lil more as well. almost 300. small progression i guess is better than none. i am always trying different things to keep hoping to loose weight. ive been reading the book diet drama. its mainly based towards teens but it has really been helping me with my way of thinking. it really hits home for me. it starts off learning to love ur body as it is now. bc even if u loose the weight if u dont love urself now,the weight loss wont help change ur way of thinking. so many thin girls still feel they are fat but have a perfect body. now i knew this before but sometimes i just have to be reminded to help keep my mind clear. also, it talked about a study about frequent scale use (which whenever i start to work out as u have read before i start to weigh myself like mad and had to hide it for a wile), is linked to weight gain. the girls in the study who weighed themselfs most often were more than 14 pounds heavier than those who hardly ever scale-hopped. any young girls out there or parents who have teens i would suggest this book by nacey redd "diet drama". i really wish this was out when i was in that age range. even now its helping me.

i always see the logic in how i think and post what i need to change. it will work for a short time then i revert back to old habbits. its not easy. right now im going to do mainly cardio and focus on feeling better. i need to just look at weight loss as a bonus to all this. that i just need to mainly focus on feeling comfortable in my own skin and enjoy what i have. i always say "ill do that when i loose weight." why should i weight? like roller blading. i can't remember if i posted last summer i wanted to do it but once again i put it off. i told my bf about it he said he will do it with me. i hope he does bc i worry so much about him too. he has dieabetes and is over weight himself. i dont want to see him go down the same path like his dad. his poor dad has so much weight to loose and bc of how old he is its hard as hell for him. i dont want mark to wait till then. its another reason i push so hard bc i want to inspire him.

onto another subject. i want to be able to work on running again this summer. id like to be prepared for it when the time comes and working on my cardio inside will help me a lot.

i have a million things going through my head right now so sorry if i tend to skip around a bit.

[Bonnie]

Don't exclude roller blading because you think your overweight, incorporate it into your training, though do wear protective gear

[musculargirl]

You can still rollerblade but like Bonnie said wear protective gear including a bike helmet. There has been a few times where i almost fell backwards.

I want to try a little more rollerblading this summer. My shins were bothering me when i did it (they never did when i was at a lighter weight) but i've seen people my weight rollerblading and they don't seem to have a problem. So i'm not sure. It's great exercise though.

remember back when I was close to my heaviest, there was a girl who was about the same size as me...and one day, after I hadn't seen her in a while, she showed up really thin! I was like, "HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!" and she said, "It's really easy: just be happy."

I like that! In the past, I"ve lost weight when i've been really happy or depressed as hell.

[musculargirl]

I've gone both ways. Sometimes I've lost weight and other times I've gained weight when depressed.

[rockchick_82808]

i started the zumba game today for the kinect and my abs hurt! lol. the crazy thing is im only in the tutoriall! i still have 6 more tutorials left b4 i can actually play and already it kicks my but. lol my mood is slowly getting better. still been feeling crummy. i will get over this hump i always do. i just have to continue to try.

[rockchick_82808]

this blog is all about letting it out. i have kept a lot inside from everyone as im sure a lot of people on here have. but now i will let out some of my most secret bad experiences.

yesterday after my work out, i went on the scale for the first time since February. im up to 234. im more scared than i have ever been before and so disappointed in myself. i started to cry. i ran downstairs and turned on the shower. then i started bawling. my bf heard it over the noise of the shower and ran inside to find me on the floor. he sat there with me to help me calm down. he asked what was wrong. i told him im terrified that im only going to get worse and face the things my family has to go through because of their weight. he told me that i need to stop thinking what could happen and think of where i am now. that i need to look at this as a goal and not life or death. he told me im going to do this alone.

as u have read in the past i dont know how to cook. i never grew up around people cooking. since i was in the 5th grade i basically grew up on fast food. i recently bought a cook book that not only teaches u how to cook but even gives u the calories in each dish. today my bf said we are going to start cooking. so today we planned out a meal for Saturday to cook for everyone. heres the course for Saturday.

tossed salad (havent exactly picked out our fillings yet but we will when the time comes)
stir-fried chicken with thai basil (161 cal)
rosemary risotto (531 cal a serving but we are going to cut the size of that in half and make it a side dish)

one of my biggest issues with loosing weight (obviously way of thinking is number one) is eating. i've been so scared of trying to do it because of always thinking i'm going to fail (past verbal abuse growing up causes this to form). i'm going to face these fears head on. i dont want to be like this anymore. my stomach has gotten so fat (ever notice in my pics that its up close with the arms now and can't see my stomach?). I'm ashamed of it. No more hiding and expecting for this to change over nite or depend on cosmetic surgery when i get the money for it. i have to learn to take control. its not easy by any means. i'm always trying to change up things to see what will work for me.

counting calories in the begging worked but then i started letting in junk food and figured oh well its with in calories. NO! just an excuse to eat it. i will pick up calorie counting and journaling again bc it did work for me but i will not allow loop holes any more. it defeats the purpose. Cooking will really help with this. I'm always trying to find a way to get past the time consuming way of getting food so i always resort to the fastest finger food possible. in this cook book are awesome veggie finger foods that i can bring to work so i wont feel bad about my munching habits. i have to get past this.

my bf told me to only think of how all this makes me feel. to not try to feel i have to prove something to some one (just like u said to me boss man ). that i cant pressure my self so much and over work my self. that this is a learning experience and to take it a step at a time. he even said he is going to go biking with me when the weather lets up.

i really hope that this is it. that i have finally found something. im so sick and tired of loosing this on going battle. one thing that i will do is only weigh myself once a month (to not get back into that obsession i get with the scale) and count my daily calories and exercise once a day. i just hope that my bf will stick to his word on working with me on this i know that i need to as well but i really need some one there to help. i'm scared that this will just be yet again another disaster but i just have to push myself and not get so discouraged so easily like i always do.

[musculargirl]

I can easily identify with you! My weight use to go up and down by 10 or 15 pounds. Now i feel kind of out of control and really have balloned upwards. But you can do it and I can do it. I know that for sure. We are all here for you!! That cookbook sounds nice too!

[Bonnie]

YaY to snubbing bad food & feeling good about it Thats the way to start.YaY to batch cooking, will be doing some of that myself today, freezer is empty of pre-made meals

[Boss Man]

Thank you for sharing this Christina and I want to tell you I am so, so proud of you misses for telling us about this and for having the courage to admit something upsetting and difficult to experience. I'm not sure you really know just how strong you can be sometimes, but when you talk so openly and so beautifully, it makes me happy to see you showing heart and courage, instead of using what you felt as a stick to constantly beat yourself with.

It doesn't matter what people used to say to you, they are less of an influence now and this is for every word they said and everything they should never have meant or intended. You're better than them, because you possess a wonderful heartfelt purity and a lot of sunshine and inner light and you need to focus on ALL your positives and use them to help you succeed and not let things in your past, that should stay exactly where they belong, in the past, to affect how you make your future work out.

I'm sending you a BIG HUG

You are a wonderful person and you mustn't ever feel like a failure or a person who cannot succeed. YES you can succeed, but you're also human and you need to recognise that too. You can't approach something with a robotic state of mind and just bang out every workout and eat every designated calorie but no more.

What you do sometimes is make human mistakes, but they are a chance to learn something and become stronger and you are NOT a can't person, because this IS a process you can gain greater mastery of and CAN win at.

There is plenty of strength here for you, but be strong for yourself, because you REALLY can be and with a wonderful heart like yours, you actually DO have the emotional and mental tools to succeed, so don't you ever forget that and just keep on pushing and keep letting us know how you're doing, so we can continue to do our bit.

You can be so proud of speaking about things like this and you need to know just what a positive and enriching effect it can have on you progress, becasue it allows you to confront things, not hide them away and continuously punish yourself with them.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you emotionally or mentally, so you don't have to correct problems, unless you make the problems happen and become a victim of a viscious cycle. You CAN get on top of things and keep on smiling and believing.

Most of all, don't ever change the person you are inside, because you have a lovely nature and personality and having the kind of upbringing you appear to have had, you can be proud of not turning out bitter, resentful or very negative, or worse a copy of the bad attitudes shown to you by elders.

GOOD LUCK and no worries okay. You've had times where you done great in the past with all this and you WILL DO again okay.

.

[rockchick_82808]

thank you so much everyone for your support. i really appreciate it. it feels good to be able to let it out. sometimes when i sit back and read what i had written it helps me too. i will continue to post and let you know how things are going. sometimes with these big breaks between posts its because i've fallen and felt bad and didnt want to own up to it and tell others. i always find ways to lie to myself and try to hide from the truth. i'm going to try to break that habit. how can i make a change if i dont face what it is i need to change? a lot of times i feel like its gonna be so hard and that theres no point when all i do is fall behind. i need to stop that. i have to quit running away when i start to make an impact. its a pattern i noticed and i need to put an end to it.

unfortunately when it comes to active friends i dont have any. im the only one that is active. trainer wise, i dont have the money. i wont until next summer when all my loans will be paid off. it sucks. If i can get this cooking thing down pat i know it will make a HUGE impact. already i have put my cereals into pre-measured baggies. that why i dont have to worry if im running late in the am. each bag even has the calories written on it. im starting to really focus and really work at trying to make this time the one to make a difference. it sucks being a yo yo because u tell yourself this is it, over and over and really wonder if its gonna happen. but i wont stop. i have to keep at because if i dont then i never will fix it. my life isn't worth giving up on. I know that when i conquer this it will give me the self confidence i need in other things in life. this is the core problem. i have faced what triggered it, listening to my body to see what foods i react to, and push my self to exercise even if i dont have the energy to. i have to find myself again. Slowly i am.

[rockchick_82808]

I can easily identify with you! My weight use to go up and down by 10 or 15 pounds. Now i feel kind of out of control and really have balloned upwards. But you can do it and I can do it. I know that for sure. We are all here for you!! That cookbook sounds nice too!

the cook book is called best-ever 400 budget recipes. it goes into what fruits and veggies are in season, how long to keep certain foods in the freezer, info on spices and info on rices and veggies...i cant get over it! the one i bought is the 2007 edition. they came out with another one but same title. id recommended checkin it out especially if anyone out there is like me. it even helps teach you how to shop for the best prices for your food. what more could u ask for?

[Bonnie]

A chef and dishwasher person

[rockchick_82808]

A chef and dishwasher person

lol thats what the bf is for. ha ha

[musculargirl]

I'll see if they have it at the library! with spring on it's way everywhere, it's a great time to start working out again!

[rockchick_82808]

today's dinner went great. i was stressed out at first bc of not knowing anything but my bf helped walk me through it. i cant believe i was getting tired from cooking. i almost didnt get my exercise in. lol. everyone loved the food. which felt great. this way it takes a load off of my bfs mom a couple times a week and we get to try something new thats also healthy!!!! i'm pleased with how it all turned out tonite. i will be looking at my book tomorrow to find out what i would like next weeks meal to be. i can wait! i also already packed tomorrows lunch and bought 1% milk for my cereal instead of the 2%. i had also bought whole grain black berry quakes. and like my cereal i had separated them into bags with the cal. written on them. not only does it help cut down time but less of a chance some one snackin on my food. lol