Jena's Journal.

[MissJenaKay]

Know how you feel Jena! Believe me I know. I'm really getting tired of struggling too!! the end result though is definitely worth it! I'm actually heavier than i've ever been too.

It's a miserable feeling. I honestly wish I was like the REST of my family with a high metabolism my dad and brother both wear only size 28 pants and my mom even as she is "fat" (as she calls it) now wears a size 12. My grandparents were all thin until their old age. All my cousins are really thin too, even my eldest cousin who just had two babies in two years. Kinda makes me want to scream. It's highly unfair that I somehow managed to have a terrible metabolism.

It takes time and you've also got to be completely truthful with yourself and ask yourself how much are you doing?

Don't give up okay, because you ARE better than that .

I'm being completely honest when I say I could be exercising more, but I haven't had time as I haven't been able to wake myself up early enough. But I'm eating quite well, I could be eating more and a little cleaner, but I want to be able to actually like eating and such. I don't want to eat just because I need to and think that it tastes terrible. I grew up with two grandmothers that cooked amazing meals, (be it with homemade cream butter and grease galore) and I try my best to cook with a lot of flavour but also with health. It's just really frustrating, especially because I'm not just cooking for myself, I also can't completely control the groceries that come into the house. I can partially control it because I do all the cooking while I'm home so I choose the ingredients for dinner, but I can't control whether my mom buys my favorite snacks and whatnot. I know there's room to improve, but I honestly don't know how much change I can handle at once. Is this whole process supposed to be making changes you can live with? I can't even manage to eat enough yet, how am I supposed to be eating enough and exercising, and eating the right things, and getting up at the right time, and working out as often as I should be, and trying to sort out everything that is already in my life? I'm really thinking that this might not be worth it. I'm pretty much doomed to cancer, diabetes, heart disease, stroke and all that lot because even the HEALTHY members of my family have had these issues. I mean, my grandfather is one of the strongest and healthiest men I know, he's worked a farm his whole life, and this past year, he had a stroke. It scared the hell out of me that someone I saw as being so strong and stubborn and whatnot be reduced to that. For months afterward he didn't sound the same or act the same and he struggled to remember things and I cold tell that he was frustrated, that he knew he was supposed to be able to remember things that he couldn't, that he hated seeing me and not being able to remember my name for a few weeks. It was terrible and it really puts my life into perspective. Is anything really worth it if all it does is cause you stress and misery?

[musculargirl]

It's a miserable feeling. I honestly wish I was like the REST of my family with a high metabolism my dad and brother both wear only size 28 pants and my mom even as she is "fat" (as she calls it) now wears a size 12. My grandparents were all thin until their old age. All my cousins are really thin too, even my eldest cousin who just had two babies in two years. Kinda makes me want to scream. It's highly unfair that I somehow managed to have a terrible metabolism.

It is a miserable feeling. Agreed! My family doesn't really have many overweight people in the family either. I don't know if your family does this, but my family bugs me the most because they try to give me advice like their experts in the weight loss field when none of them have dealt with my issues or amount of weight that i have to lose. I appreciate their concern but i find it annoying none the less.

[Boss Man]

Well you've hit the nail on the head Jena. You can't make more progress until you get up and exercise, or find another time in the day to exercise.

You're identifying things within your control, not beyond them.

[MissJenaKay]

It is a miserable feeling. Agreed! My family doesn't really have many overweight people in the family either. I don't know if your family does this, but my family bugs me the most because they try to give me advice like their experts in the weight loss field when none of them have dealt with my issues or amount of weight that i have to lose. I appreciate their concern but i find it annoying none the less.

Mine do the same, especially my dad, and my dad has been short, stick thin with nothing but lean muscle for EVER. It kind of makes me want to scream sometimes.

[MissJenaKay]

Warning:: This is a rather long, depressed rant, if you don't want to read it, I don't blame you.

This post was more for me to just get these things out of my head so I can go to sleep that for any other reason.

I was reading some old posts of mine here on the site, and in my journal as well. I really miss the attitude I used to have. I used to be rather ambitious, wanting to try and work hard. But anymore, all I do is think about my body and I just get depressed. VERY VERY depressed. I feel like it's affecting other parts of my life, I have a friend that whenever I talk to him anymore, all we do is argue about my body and such. It's really disheartening. I feel like, anymore, when I think at al about my body, all I see is the failure I've had with it, I dn't think about the progress I HAD made.

I've also gotten to thinking about how I feel like I've pushed people of THIS community away and that just adds to my depression over the whole issue. I feel like I've become a horrible person and I can't shake the feeling. I know that this doesn't mean a whole lot to anyone but me, but I thought I needed to write out my feelings (at about 1:30am).

I don't think I've ever been so depressed about myself in my life. I also think that this may have something to do with the things I faced at college, around here (in Elmira) my friends are all pretty much like me, so I felt like I was fine to be tomboyish and not terribly pretty, but now that I've made friends at Uni, who are all quite feminine and pretty, and thin, and wear makeup, and go out on dates, and wear dresses and shorts and have boyfriends and all that that I'm not good enough anymore. I've really dove into a deep hatred of myself. I hate that I'm toboyish, I hate that I'm not straight, I hate that I'm not thin, I hate that I'm too uncomfortable with my body to buy pretty clothes or shorts or dresses or girly stuff, I hate that when I do do something girly, I get responses like I've just declared that I'm going to kill everyone, I hate that I'm tall, I hate that I can't wear the type of clothes, or be the person that I want to be, I hate that I'm not pretty enough for local boys, I hate that my art isn't as good as I feel it shoyuld be, I hate that I'm so shy, I hate that I'm so polite, I hate that I'm so easy to take advantage of, I hate that I'm a people pleaser, but most of all, I just hate everything about ME.

I feel like that isn't normal, I shouldn't hate myself so thoroughly, but I do. I don't know how to change it, and even if I did, I'm not sure I'd have the heart or courage to fix it. Because I'm so afraid that if I change, I'll be selfish, I'll hurt someone or I still won't be happy. I don't know what to do.

And right now, I'm really not in the mood for a pep talk. Hearing someone try to tell me I'm a good person or anything nice about me just infuriates me anymore. I have never hated compliments more in my life and I've found myself snapping at people and calling people idiots or liars for complimenting me. And I know that's rude.

I'm sick of myself and I'm seriously considering dropping into my old habits. At least then I'd have some sort of release for the anger, the hurt and the hate, I'd be able to get it out. Sure, most people hate my methods, but they made me feel at least a little better. I'm so sick of being unhappy.

I don't know what to do anymore, life really doesn't feel like it's worth it, when I think about the future I know what I want--a husband and children in a realtively happy home with a decent job that I like--but I feel like most of that will never happen. I feel like I'm not good enough for a boyfriend, so I'll never have a husband and without a husband I will never have children, or a happy home. And I'm fairly certain that with my degree I'll be jobless forever. I mean, there's a reason that the starving artist stereotype exists, it's because for the most part, it's pathetically real. The future seems so miserable and I really don't see why I should stick around if it's just going to suck.

I feel disgusted with myself because I've been searching for ways to prove myself right that I'm a horrible person and that I'm ugly and that I'm not good enough. I've even been getting so mad about my weight that I've been thinking very nasty things about people in general that are fat. I'm not sure what makes me feel the way I do anymore, but I do know that I hate how I feel. This sucks. All of it. I really just don't want to do this anymore.

I've dumped out a lot of my heart here tonight, and I apologize for it, but I just wanted the thoughts out of my head.

By the way, Boss, since I know, inevitably you'll read this and craft a long-winded reply rebutting my statements, I don't think I really want you to do that. But then, I really just don't want people to try to point out the non-existent good things about me.

Anyway, sorry again for being a drag. Aso, pardon typos since I wrote this from my phone.

-- Jena

[musculargirl]

I don't know how you feel in a sense because we are different in age and of course different people with different life circumstances, but I'm not exactly happy with my life either right now so in that aspect i do understand what your going through. I know you don't want a pep talk so i won't give you one. Just hope you start feeling better Jena.

[MissJenaKay]

I don't know how you feel in a sense because we are different in age and of course different people with different life circumstances, but I'm not exactly happy with my life either right now so in that aspect i do understand what your going through. I know you don't want a pep talk so i won't give you one. Just hope you start feeling better Jena.

Thanks, Becky. I hope things start to get better for you as well, dear.

[Martin-Boy2]

Hi Jena, i think this is my first post on the whole forum other than in my thread from about 2 years, so your lucky

Chin up, we all get bad days, try listening to some music, that normally puts me in a good mood, try not to think about the negatives, i find that if you go for a walk or do something productive it'll make your mind focus on over thoughts and the not so good sorta fades out. Clearing your thoughts is a good way to express and release what your feeling, i just started to follow this, so not sure what to say motivation wise as im not sure how your doing, i know my words aren't too helpful, but i'll leave you with

Chin up, do something you like, if your an artist doing something creative is a way to really express your thoughts, at least something i have found from people in experience, painting and all, after you sleep, the next morning, is a new day, no matter how hard things get

[Boss Man]

By the way, Boss, since I know, inevitably you'll read this and craft a long-winded reply rebutting my statements, I don't think I really want you to do that. But then, I really just don't want people to try to point out the non-existent good things about me.

Tough luck, I'm posting this anyway, because by not doing so I may as well write a big fat note saying I agree with you and I don't.

I'm also not accepting your apologies either, because I don't think you needed to apologise for anything, but we differ, so it's okay .

The non-existant good as you call it, is only non-existant in your own head. Supress it all you want, but I believe it's basically a small lie you're telling yourself, because if you feel completely crappy and repress all hope of being anyone worthwhile, things seem to make sense.

Basically just create a total darkness with no horizon, no light, no escape, so the feeling of being trapped in a pointless, unjustifiable body and life, becomes the one reliable thing, the thing that can't let you down, or seem like a good thing that might slip away or be ruined, because you're creating what seems like the ultimate bad, but in doing so, bad becomes good.

At least you understand yourself, if you strip things down to basics. Someone as pretty much emotionally and mentally as low as they can go, instead of someone striving in some kind of vein hope for better.

Your main problem may be not trying hard enough to make good things happen, but believing they aren't meant to happen, or certainly not for you; that wanting good things is going to come with hidden extras or nasty surprises; such things being the potential pain of striving for
things that then go wrong.

You see the non-existant good in yourself, but you've never given up on yourself and you speak well to others on here including someone like Martin, who you have reached out to sometimes, so where's the bad in that?

Deal with yourself Jena, but don't hide from it. Don't make the good things seem non-existant and don't make the things about you that are good, seem the reverse. Work with your good points, don't supress them, as some kind of poisoned chalice, by thinking if I do good things, or allow good things to happen, they'll go wrong, because I'm a walking jinx.

I first of all want you to be proud of yourself for posting all that, because I'm proud of you, there I said it, get over it, I'm not taking that back .

Also screw other people in Uni. They aren't you. Just becasue they look a certain way and do certain things, doesn't mean you necessarily should. Live the way you feel best, not just because it seems the "norm", or because you don't want to supposedly stand out.

You're unique in your own amazing way, so be unique, not a copy or a cheap replica of someone else .

I don't care how negatively you think about my comments, or how negatively you may respond, because I care about you, but even if you tried to chew me a new ass for posting this, I wouldn't stop caring and I'm not going to be driven away by anything you say, so your attitude isn't going to make me say, forget it I'm done with you, you little blah blah blah yada yada.

So feel free to kick my ass for giving a stuff about you, but I'll be back to keep giving a stuff and you and I both know it, because if you think you're a lost cause or always going to be second best, then maybe your head's up your butt, in which case pull it out and give your amazing Brain some more air and sunshine.

You WILL feel better when your schooling is over in the next few years and you can focus on the next stage of you.

By making your life feel like nothing, it still becomes something. Nothing is impossible, because something occurs as a result of everything. Everything in the known universe makes something happen, so your life will never be "nothing", you'll be a something and a someone no matter what you think and feel, so live with it, but the more you try to fight against or suppress the person you can be, the more you will realise it's not possible to become nothing and no one, so eventually you will give in and accept yourself as being something and someone, with some kind of value and when you do, you WILL have no choice, but to start working out what and who that person is and how much of a "something" or someone you are or could be.

When you realise you are more than nothing and no one, get back to me, because then we'll have more positives to help you succeed.

I'll be waiting .

[MissJenaKay]

You just don't listen, do you? *glare*

You see the non-existant good in yourself, but you've never given up on yourself and you speak well to others on here including someone like Martin, who you have reached out to sometimes, so where's the bad in that?

The bad in that? There's nothing I can really do. It's just words. I'm just a random, meaningless entity online. For all you guys know, I could be some highly sophisticated AI or something.

Deal with yourself Jena, but don't hide from it. Don't make the good things seem non-existant and don't make the things about you that are good, seem the reverse. Work with your good points, don't suppress them, as some kind of poisoned chalice, by thinking if I do good things, or allow good things to happen, they'll go wrong, because I'm a walking jinx.

I suppress the bad things, that's all. Things like my care and kindness though, I try to use. I DO seem to be some sort of "walking jinx" as you called me. When something good happens, it's always coupled with something catastrophic.

I first of all want you to be proud of yourself for posting all that, because I'm proud of you, there I said it, get over it, I'm not taking that back .

Also screw other people in Uni. They aren't you. Just because they look a certain way and do certain things, doesn't mean you necessarily should. Live the way you feel best, not just because it seems the "norm", or because you don't want to supposedly stand out.

You're unique in your own amazing way, so be unique, not a copy or a cheap replica of someone else .

I'd rather be a cheap replica if it makes my life easier, if it makes it easier for me to not be alone all the time. I'd rather be what is acceptable to others than be "myself". What's the sense in being something that makes you feel like shit? Hence why I do EVERYTHING in my power to please others and be acceptable to other people. Boss, you know that more than anyone on here, or at least you should.

When you realise you are more than nothing and no one, get back to me, because then we'll have more positives to help you succeed.

I'll be waiting .

Positives always are just two negatives. Ever notice that? Just saying. And I'm going to be negative until I find something to be positive about in my life. Which.... there is none. So yeah. And Boss, don't you dare go on one of your little tangents about being so blessed with everything I have, because nothing makes me wants to scream more than that. I'm not a fucking idiot, I know what I have, I know that I have a lot more than a lot of people out there, but it doesn't make me feel any better, if anything, it makes me feel worse to think of all the people out there suffering.

So yeah.

[MissJenaKay]

So, I've decided to start tracking my intake and exercise more strictly. I seemed to do much better when I did that. I'll edit this throughout the day. Working out was horrible today, it's 93.4F (34.1C for you Boss) and in my house it's about 84F (29C). I'm hot, I'm cranky, and NOW I'm sore. Lol.

9:15 Wake Up

10:02
- 8 oz Chobani Greek Yogurt with honey

11:45 Work Out
http://www.bodyrock.tv/2010/10/23/warm-up-routine/
and
http://www.bodyrock.tv/2011/07/18/stron ... r-workout/
(Did a little stretching on my own)

My "scores"
Sandbag Dragon Lunge - 9, 13, 14 (No sandbag)
Crossed Leg Burpee (just a regular burpee, pushups from knees) - 7, 8, 7
Sandbag Squat – Right Shoulder - 20, 20, 20 (No sandbag)
Sandbag Squat – Left Shoulder - 20, 20, 20 (No sandbag)
Jump Squats/Push Ups Combo - 4:21 (did the modified version and my squats were not very deep, I was wiped by then)

12:20
- 1c Macaroni Salad (Elbow macaroni, tuna, corn, mayo)
- 1 scoop EAS Whey protein mixed with water

2:22
- A small cupcake (It's my mom's birthday (well yesterday was her birthday but she brought home cupcakes from work today)

[MissJenaKay]

Due to unforseen circumstances, I have no internet access other than my phone. So I may not be posting or responding terribly often.

[musculargirl]

Posting from the phone is not the most enjoyable. Hope your back online soon!

[MissJenaKay]

Posting from the phone is not the most enjoyable. Hope your back online soon!

It will most likely be around a week or too, first we put my laptop in the shop so it was out, but I was fine with it because I had the family desktop to use, but that is no longer usable for the time being either.

[Boss Man]

And Boss, don't you dare go on one of your little tangents about being so blessed with everything I have

Who said I was going to do that?

It's happened before, but it's not something I do a lot, because repetition of the old think about what other people have got thing, is pointless with the same person.

Also regards trying to please others, I'm pleased you tried to throw a load of fire and brimstone at me, because it shows you still have some fight, guts and courage and that you haven't given up on yourself; you'll need it if you're to succeed.

You're certainly a challenging person to communicate with and I'm sure you'll have much more fire and brinstone to throw at me in the coming weeks, but I can't make you see the things I see about you, unless you want to.

Good luck .