Jena's Journal.

[MissJenaKay]

Due to unforseen circumstances, I have no internet access other than my phone. So I may not be posting or responding terribly often.

[musculargirl]

Posting from the phone is not the most enjoyable. Hope your back online soon!

[MissJenaKay]

Posting from the phone is not the most enjoyable. Hope your back online soon!

It will most likely be around a week or too, first we put my laptop in the shop so it was out, but I was fine with it because I had the family desktop to use, but that is no longer usable for the time being either.

[Boss Man]

And Boss, don't you dare go on one of your little tangents about being so blessed with everything I have

Who said I was going to do that?

It's happened before, but it's not something I do a lot, because repetition of the old think about what other people have got thing, is pointless with the same person.

Also regards trying to please others, I'm pleased you tried to throw a load of fire and brimstone at me, because it shows you still have some fight, guts and courage and that you haven't given up on yourself; you'll need it if you're to succeed.

You're certainly a challenging person to communicate with and I'm sure you'll have much more fire and brinstone to throw at me in the coming weeks, but I can't make you see the things I see about you, unless you want to.

Good luck .

[MissJenaKay]

I've come to the conclusion that I probably don't work out enough because I get bored. I get sick of doing the same things, and I don't know how to implement a workout routine if I get bored with it. Any suggestions, anyone?? Preferably ones that are free since I've got no money to spare on equipment or memberships or anything like that...

I've also come to the conclusion that I don't know an appropriate eating plan for me anymore, I try, but I'm not entirely sure.

In other news, I attempted calculating my bodyfat percentage. Got 7 different numbers between 28.92% and 58.23%

[musculargirl]

Just try riding a bike if you have a bike or walking or both. I think walking is rather boring so i split it up. The park i go too is only 2 miles away so i'm trying to go 2 to 3 times a day with my dog for 1.3 miles. If i go 3 times a day that's almost 4 miles. Bringing my dog makes it more interesting i think even though she slows me down.

If you can get some running shoes you could try run/walking that i think really makes the time go by much faster than walking and it makes you feel good!

[MissJenaKay]

Just try riding a bike if you have a bike or walking or both. I think walking is rather boring so i split it up. The park i go too is only 2 miles away so i'm trying to go 2 to 3 times a day with my dog for 1.3 miles. If i go 3 times a day that's almost 4 miles. Bringing my dog makes it more interesting i think even though she slows me down.

If you can get some running shoes you could try run/walking that i think really makes the time go by much faster than walking and it makes you feel good!

My thing is I avoid exercising outside AS MUCH as possible because when I go outside I keep covered as much as possible. I also refuse to wear bottoms other than jeans outside and we know how well jeans work for workouts.

[musculargirl]

I'm heavy and i just wear capri sweats with a t shirt most of the time when i workout. And sunscreen and a baseball cap. I don't show much skin at all, and i do understand how you feel.

[MissJenaKay]

I'm heavy and i just wear capri sweats with a t shirt most of the time when i workout. And sunscreen and a baseball cap. I don't show much skin at all, and i do understand how you feel.

When I workout, I wear long yoga pants, a t-shirt with a tanktop, a sports bra, and a regular bra, so I get very warm very quickly, hence why I workout inside. Lol.

[musculargirl]

go when it's cooler out. If you really want to exercise you will find something that will work. If you don't want too or don't like too which is kind of how it sounds just work on your diet. Diet is the most important anyway.


viewtopic.php?f=25&t=5499 this girl lost weight just watching her calorie intake and trying to be a little more active not anything major.

[MissJenaKay]

go when it's cooler out. If you really want to exercise you will find something that will work. If you don't want too or don't like too which is kind of how it sounds just work on your diet. Diet is the most important anyway.


viewtopic.php?f=25&t=5499 this girl lost weight just watching her calorie intake and trying to be a little more active not anything major.

I like working out, I just hate being seen and I get bored, so I like to change things up a lot. To me, walking/running is HIGHLY boring and I don't have the stamina for running anyway. I do definitely need to work on my diet.

[MissJenaKay]

I've had a LOT of time to just think lately considering I have no computer to keep me occupied. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. It depresses me a lot when I think too much, considering I go down the road of self-hatred and disappointment quite a bit when I'm left alone with my thoughts, but I also make a lot of realisations and the like. However, I can never think to implement a lot of these realisations into my life.

I've realised recently that I'm not entirely sure how I should work my diet, what and when I should be eating things, while at the same time keeping variety; the same applies to working out, I really want to work out, but I don't know what to do, and how to keep it interesting; I've also realised that I'm terrible at keeping promises to myself, but promises to other people are pretty much sacred ground for me; I've realised that the more I try to work out and eat right, the more I hate myself for letting myself down; I've realised that I'm terribly afraid of change, but there is nothing I want more in my life at this moment. I've made quite a few more realisations in the past few days but these were the only ones that I thought would be relevant here. I'm not sure what to do and so here I am, spilling my guts on a forum in the, middle of the night again.

I want help, but at the same time I'm not all too sure what anyone can do. Even if there is some thing that anyone can do for me, I'm not confident that I would be able to put it into work effectively or even be able to stop myself from stonewalling ideas like I seem to do so much lately. I have a LOT of work to do on myself, and I know I'm in for a long haul. The worst part of it all is that I don't even know how to start.

I feel like a wreck, and I don't know if it's only because I've had so much time that I've spent alone with my thoughts or if it's that this is all coming now because I've been ignoring it for so long, but I need help. As much as I hate admitting that I can't handle things on my own, this seems to be one of those things that I simply cannot handle and work through on my own.

I'm sorry to bother you guys with this, bit I seem to be spending far too many late nights alone in my head and so I thought that it would be better to start writing this sort of thing out.

Boss, you'll be happy to know that, this time, I'm not going to get mad at you or rip into you over your response.

Thank you to everyone that has and will in the future give me the love and support I have seen. I really do appreciate it all, even if I do act like a brat sometimes.

♥ Jena

[feelin-great]

I think that your last post is progress I am glad to see that, because you deserve it (even though you don't always want to admit it). Asking for help is the most difficult thing to do, but sometimes you just have to do it. Just try to take things one day at a time. Take little steps. If you try to change too many things at one time, you might be setting yourself up for failure. I am the same way - sometimes I get really gung ho about something and when it doesn't work out I get frustrated and end up right back where I started. Try making little changes, it might work out better for you in the long run.

Good luck, and don't apologize for bothering us, we wouldn't be reading your journal if we didn't want to. It's your journal and you should be able to express how you feel

[MissJenaKay]

I think that your last post is progress I am glad to see that, because you deserve it (even though you don't always want to admit it). Asking for help is the most difficult thing to do, but sometimes you just have to do it. Just try to take things one day at a time. Take little steps. If you try to change too many things at one time, you might be setting yourself up for failure. I am the same way - sometimes I get really gung ho about something and when it doesn't work out I get frustrated and end up right back where I started. Try making little changes, it might work out better for you in the long run.

Good luck, and don't apologize for bothering us, we wouldn't be reading your journal if we didn't want to. It's your journal and you should be able to express how you feel

Thanks. That's definitely another relisation I've made. I feel like right now, I'm one of those all or nothing people. I really want to try to make smaller changes, but then I feel like I'm not doing enough. Haha. So when my overhauls don't work out I get frustrated, but if I do little things, I feel like it's not enough, I'm weird. Haha. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Boss Man]

I want you to be proud of yourself for saying all that, because that's how I feel about you right now.

I know it's hard for you to express how you feel and I know you don't like writing in a self loathing kind of manner, which is why I feel pride when you are able to tell people about these things.

Yes sometimes you may look like a brat, but I know it's because you're a mix of vulnerability, self hatred, fear of many different things, confusion, past hurt, guilt, so it's no wonder sometimes your communication style becomes inconsistent, because you're kind of an emotional Jack or perhaps Jill of all trades, but master of none, because you can't find a way to tame or override any of the things your feel inside, or express through words and actions.

I don't blame you for how you respond sometimes, because I know it's not your fault, it's a product of your circumstances and your past, conditioning you to be an emotional maelstrom of a person, that can't find a way to make a leap of faith as they say, regards being 100% sure about anything(s) you do and say, or others do and say.

So I don't ever want you to blame yourself for the way you respond sometimes or act, because you're not a callous unthinking person, you're someone that wants to understand what must seem like the mother of all questions; what can I do to correct everything that I think is wrong with me?

I sometimes feel really sorry for you and sorry I cannot personally do more, because sometimes despite reading things that express great pain and inner hurt, I often see a beauty to what you write, because I admire you SO MUCH, for being able to even write about the emotional maelstrom you go through every day.

Some people would never be able to tell anybody how they felt, just living in a viscious cycle of perpetual mental torment, potentially believing anyone they tried to reach out to, would not want to know, or not be capable of giving that person the best route, to as much inner healing as possible. Potentially scared and afraid and mistrustful of any other living person.

The fact you can begin to speak about your problems, is often such a wonderful and beautiful thing Jena and when I see what you write sometimes, I can see that underneath that dark layer of misery, is a person capalbe of shining, happiness and emotional beauty, and I would be very displeased if anyone referred to you as an "emo", because you are NOT nor NEVER will be someone, who has gone to that extreme and dark a place in their mind.

I've nothing against such people, for the record .

One thing I suggest you do is focus on one thing and one thing only. You may find this useful, ene if it just means making sure you ALWAYS have breakfast at a certain time of the day. You start with a small target, then when you've gotten used to that for about 2 weeks and it happens every day when it's supposed to without fail, then move on to the Lunch and make that a set time every day for 2 weeks, then after 4 weeks you'll be solid and committed to 2 meals a day. Ten pick another goal like one snack, or some light walking.

I think if you just try to analyse how to exercise and eat better, you'll make more hard work for yourself, because if I tried to bullet point criteria for both and said try that, you'd struggle to implement a simple system like that.

Giving yourself a mini-goal, like always having a fixed time for Breakfast and potentially the same Breakfast, to prevent confusion each day about what to have then I think mastering something like that, would be the confidence boost needed to know you can stick at something.

Then you could do that, whilst trying to master another little mini-goal.

Baby steps might be the only way, not great strides. iF this means taking 4 or 5 times longer to do what some have done before in their lives, so be it. The fact is it's not a race, its about obtaining the results, in a healthy and safe way and believing that however long it takes it WILL happen.

As I said, I KNOW it's not your fault sometimes when you act how you do, because it's not a simple lack of respect, attitude problem type thing, it's you having so many differing emotions going on in your head and not knowing how to control the bad ones, so the good ones can make you look like a consistent personality type, not one that changes pretty regularly.

I'm not going to say whether you did or didn't have a right to jump on me the other day, but I wasn't going to give you what you wanted and not reply, because that would have been contradictory to what I wrote and looked like I agreed with the monstrous looking assessment of yourself as a person,. which I wouldn't, but I know sometimes you feel like you don't deserve to have nice things said about you, or don't deserve to feel good things about yourself, but you DO Jena, you DO .

I'm sending you a BIG HUG and telling you that no matter how much you think the worst in yourself, or how much you claim to not like reading good things people say about you, I will never stop thinking well of you and trying to help you see what I see about you, because sometimes, YES sometimes you really can come across as fabulous sweetheart and especially the time you have taken to communicate to people like Martin, because that's the beautiful side of you right there and you should never stop being proud of the fact you CAN be that sort of person.

That's the part of you that keeps my belief in you and my support for you, because I know as long as you CAN be that person to some extent, you can try to make that part of you grow, blossom and flourish more and I hope someday you'll see just how wonderful you acting like that is and how superbly well it makes you look sometimes.

You're not different in a bad way , you're just different in a unique way and screw what anybody who ever did or said a bad thing to you did or said, they were WRONG, becasue they never found a way to understnad the real you like some people have.

Thank about what I said before about having one thing to work on at a time, because you're probably doing too much trying to assess the big picture and wondering how to make it fit and breaking the whole process down into small manageable "mini-tasks or goals", might make it easier for you to do things and start to believe in your own potential, because you CAN DO THIS and if I can see potential in you and good things about you, then you can too, because you are human just like me, you just need ot understand that and let it become a benefit not a hinderance, then it can work for you not against you.

We will NEVER abandon you sweetheart I give you my absolute word .

So please don't ever blame yourself for being the muddled up person you are inside, because it's NEVER been your fault, NEVER .