I want you to be proud of yourself for saying all that, because that's how I feel about you right now.
I know it's hard for you to express how you feel and I know you don't like writing in a self loathing kind of manner, which is why I feel pride when you are able to tell people about these things.
Yes sometimes you may look like a brat, but I know it's because you're a mix of vulnerability, self hatred, fear of many different things, confusion, past hurt, guilt, so it's no wonder sometimes your communication style becomes inconsistent, because you're kind of an emotional Jack or perhaps Jill of all trades, but master of none, because you can't find a way to tame or override any of the things your feel inside, or express through words and actions.
I don't blame you for how you respond sometimes, because I know it's not your fault, it's a product of your circumstances and your past, conditioning you to be an emotional maelstrom of a person, that can't find a way to make a leap of faith as they say, regards being 100% sure about anything(s) you do and say, or others do and say.
So I don't ever want you to blame yourself for the way you respond sometimes or act, because you're not a callous unthinking person, you're someone that wants to understand what must seem like the mother of all questions; what can I do to correct everything that I think is wrong with me?
I sometimes feel really sorry for you and sorry I cannot personally do more, because sometimes despite reading things that express great pain and inner hurt, I often see a beauty to what you write, because I admire you SO MUCH, for being able to even write about the emotional maelstrom you go through every day.
Some people would never be able to tell anybody how they felt, just living in a viscious cycle of perpetual mental torment, potentially believing anyone they tried to reach out to, would not want to know, or not be capable of giving that person the best route, to as much inner healing as possible. Potentially scared and afraid and mistrustful of any other living person.
The fact you can begin to speak about your problems, is often such a wonderful and beautiful thing Jena and when I see what you write sometimes, I can see that underneath that dark layer of misery, is a person capalbe of shining, happiness and emotional beauty, and I would be very displeased if anyone referred to you as an "emo", because you are NOT nor NEVER will be someone, who has gone to that extreme and dark a place in their mind.
I've nothing against such people, for the record
One thing I suggest you do is focus on one thing and one thing only. You may find this useful, ene if it just means making sure you ALWAYS have breakfast at a certain time of the day. You start with a small target, then when you've gotten used to that for about 2 weeks and it happens every day when it's supposed to without fail, then move on to the Lunch and make that a set time every day for 2 weeks, then after 4 weeks you'll be solid and committed to 2 meals a day. Ten pick another goal like one snack, or some light walking.
I think if you just try to analyse how to exercise and eat better, you'll make more hard work for yourself, because if I tried to bullet point criteria for both and said try that, you'd struggle to implement a simple system like that.
Giving yourself a mini-goal, like always having a fixed time for Breakfast and potentially the same Breakfast, to prevent confusion each day about what to have then I think mastering something like that, would be the confidence boost needed to know you can stick at something.
Then you could do that, whilst trying to master another little mini-goal.
Baby steps might be the only way, not great strides. iF this means taking 4 or 5 times longer to do what some have done before in their lives, so be it. The fact is it's not a race, its about obtaining the results, in a healthy and safe way and believing that however long it takes it WILL happen.
As I said, I KNOW it's not your fault sometimes when you act how you do, because it's not a simple lack of respect, attitude problem type thing, it's you having so many differing emotions going on in your head and not knowing how to control the bad ones, so the good ones can make you look like a consistent personality type, not one that changes pretty regularly.
I'm not going to say whether you did or didn't have a right to jump on me the other day, but I wasn't going to give you what you wanted and not reply, because that would have been contradictory to what I wrote and looked like I agreed with the monstrous looking assessment of yourself as a person,. which I wouldn't, but I know sometimes you feel like you don't deserve to have nice things said about you, or don't deserve to feel good things about yourself, but you DO Jena, you DO
I'm sending you a BIG HUG
and telling you that no matter how much you think the worst in yourself, or how much you claim to not like reading good things people say about you, I will never stop thinking well of you and trying to help you see what I see about you, because sometimes, YES sometimes you really can come across as fabulous sweetheart and especially the time you have taken to communicate to people like Martin, because that's the beautiful side of you right there and you should never stop being proud of the fact you CAN be that sort of person.
That's the part of you that keeps my belief in you and my support for you, because I know as long as you CAN be that person to some extent, you can try to make that part of you grow, blossom and flourish more and I hope someday you'll see just how wonderful you acting like that is and how superbly well it makes you look sometimes.
You're not different in a bad way , you're just different in a unique way and screw what anybody who ever did or said a bad thing to you did or said, they were WRONG, becasue they never found a way to understnad the real you like some people have.
Thank about what I said before about having one thing to work on at a time, because you're probably doing too much trying to assess the big picture and wondering how to make it fit and breaking the whole process down into small manageable "mini-tasks or goals", might make it easier for you to do things and start to believe in your own potential, because you CAN DO THIS and if I can see potential in you and good things about you, then you can too, because you are human just like me, you just need ot understand that and let it become a benefit not a hinderance, then it can work for you not against you.
We will NEVER abandon you sweetheart I give you my absolute word
So please don't ever blame yourself for being the muddled up person you are inside, because it's NEVER been your fault, NEVER