C-tina's work out blog!

[rockchick_82808]

today was weight in...232.4. its strange because on monday i was at 234 again. idk if it was bc of the booze or if it was just water weight i lost at the time idk. but i wont let that stop me. today i wont be able to go to the gym because i am working all day! from 7am until 10pm! then i open the next day and have a 3hr drive to grand rapids for a party. this party i will make sure to only have one drink or none at all and to have a good meal b4 i go. maybe bring my own healthy snack as well. im going to try to change some things. just thought i would update ya guys. time to go!

[musculArgirl2]

you were at 230 or something last week? I have to check so you are up a little bit but like you said you were up on monday at 234 from the weekend so you did go down from the weekend.

Hang in there it will happen!


by the way you must really like your job because there is no way i would do my job from 7 am to 10 pm. Awful!

[rockchick_82808]

by the way you must really like your job because there is no way i would do my job from 7 am to 10 pm. Awful!

lol. only enough to pay for school. it was rough. now i have to leave to go to work to open the store. boo. im soo tired. im just happy i dont have to drive to grand rapids after this. 3hr dive=a 3hr nap! lol

[rockchick_82808]

today i am going to be completely open with everyone. i have been going through a lot of struggles and i figured i will post it because i am sure some one out there can relate and help me. i need some advice from people and maybe some guidance. what i am about to post was intended to be a private msg to bossman but i thought it would be better if everyone saw this because if anyone out there is struggling like i am (not just weight loss relation) i want you to know ur not alone.

today is the first time i have been on here in quite some time. a lot has been going on...go figure. i had to decide to not pay for the gym to help reach my financial goal at the end of this year. with things going on at home i have been back in my ways of eating shit even at work. heres whats been going on.

as you know my dad is no good. last nite i went to visit my grandma and she told me that 2days ago he broke into her house and stole from her. she called the police and the officer told her she didnt have to press charges that day. she told me shes in shock. she doesnt know what to do. i told her she should press charges because of all that hes done to this family. who knows what hes going to do next. she changed all the locks on her house already. shes so hurt because shes done nothing but love him and helped him. in my opinion she gave in too much and because she took it away hes taking things from her to make up for that. he does have a history of violence too which worries me. what ever she decides im behind her. i told her to just not keep me in the dark because if something happens i should be there. ive stood up to my dad all my life and i seem to be the only person that he back downs from. hes lost his damn mind!

with all this going on i have been trying so hard to keep a clear a mind on things to try to still see the positive. for example i will be going to college next friday! instead of being excited i start thinking negatively. like what am i doing? i can only pay for one class at a time why should i bother going? i cant file for financial aid until next may because of my parents not helping me with giving out their information. more than likely i wont get jack for it because no matter how hard i try in life i always get screwed. i could take out student loans but then i'm back in debt. there wont be any break for me not ever.

these thoughts keep creeping up on me which is why i have been eating shit again. i try not to think like this because i want to make my grandma proud and have her see me succeed in life but its so hard. i just get so depressed. i dont tell these things to my boyfriend anymore because the past three years hes had to hear it and i dont want to bring him down with me. he doesnt deserve that. i just feel so alone. i have been trying to talk to my mom more but when i see her all i think about was how shes wronged me and hurt me. i try to block it but it affected me so deeply. i dont know what to do. i feel more lost than ever.

i want to just be able to hold my own. i want to be able to attend school and make something of myself. i want to be healthy i want to afford my own apartment! every time every single time i start to make head way...i get pushed back another 3 steps. i feel like im being punished. i know im suppose to be strong and i have been for so many years but ive had enough of this shit. i'm fed up. no matter what choice i make, turn i take it always leads to disaster. i need some advice on how to get through this.

when it comes to school i have been filling out scholarship forms everyday.
when it comes to work and bills i have been working double shifts and working at other stores to get ahead. for example my last day off was this past tuesday i wont be off again until the 24th! not only am i working 10days in a row but im working a double one of those days. i try soo hard to do the right things to help myself do better but it seems like it just slaps me in the face.

going back to the subject of school. i had to put this class on my credit card by the time i get it paid off in december i have to put January's class on it. i feel like im drowning. im being so open im even gonna tell you my finances. i owe around 1,400 on my card, 3,000 on a unsecured loan, and just above 1,000 on my car. here are my monthly payments for those plus phone and car insurance and rent and fuel total: 659-699 a month
my normal income with out working at other stores:800-850
money left over for food and school supplies and emergencies :141-151

here my dad who has his trailer paid of owns a shit load of electronics and bought a new truck still goes after my grandmother for all shes got. yet i dont ask anything from any one ever! the new computer my gma and aunt paid for for school was their decision i didnt ask em for it they said it was their gift to me for trying so hard and helping them when ever they need it.

yes i have tired looking for other jobs but none are better pay and not as flexible for me for school like my manager is. where i work...they are my family. they have been their for me for so much with what i have been going through. they are my support system. i leave idk what i'll do.

i know i keep jumping from topic to topic but my mind is all over the place right now.

on top of all this that my dad has done...the 1yr anniversary of grandpas death was the 14th.so my grandma is already depressed because that but now scared because of my dads actions. its gotten out of control!

i had to be open to all of you because i know i have followers on my blog and i want to be real with everyone. if some one out there has experienced any thing like this and can give me some advice on how to get through this please talk to me. regardless if its on here or a private msg. you know how much i would appreciate it.

[musculArgirl2]

i apologize i'm working right now so I'm just responding in between working.

I just wanted you to know Christina one thing that has really standed out for me about you is how nice you stay with all the troubles you have had. It's a very nice quality to have!

Have you called the financial aid office at your school? Aren't you filing independently?? I don't remember (it's been a while since i was in school) but if your independent do you need your parents info?? You probably because your not a dependent and if you apply early should definitely get some grants i would think. Again it's been a while but i do know many years ago when i first went my dad didn't want to help financially at all and i never got his financial information etiher and i still applied and got aid. Look into it Christina!! There really is no reason why you should be charging a class.

Another thought, i don't know if you would consider this but have you ever thought about joining something like the Air national guard? You get great benefits like they pay for school. I did when i went to college because like you i had no finanical help at all from my parents. So i joined and it was quite beneficial. But i also live in minnesota too and it depends on what your state offers for benefits. I dont' know if you would be interested in that, i didn't really like the guard but it did help me out financially. You just go one weekend a month. 2 weeks a year unless of course your called up. You get even better benefits if you just join the regular air force for 3 years.

I think really you should definntely get good aid though just filing as an independetn. So work on that financial aid!!!!!

I'm sorry about the way your dad is. My dad isint' like that. But he is a very non loving father. He's more like a distant friend than a doting dad, so i know how you feel on that dad issues in that sense.

I can't write anymore, it's too hard at work. I might add some later today. But don't give up hope Christina! I'm glad you told how how you are feeling.

[rockchick_82808]

thank you everyone for your kind words. i really appreciate your help.

musculArgirl2:
when it comes to financial aid they wont get me any help because i'm not 24yrs old. only then will they allow me to file independent even though i don't live with them. joining anything military would kill me because of the thought of being away from my grandmother. besides my aunt i'm all she has. all of the other family members have passed on and she doesnt have many friends. i'm the only one who visits her on a regular basis and helps her out around the house. my aunt stops by once a week to help as well but she lives almost 2hrs away. if something happens i'm only 15min away to be there for her.

amatlack:
i never looked at eating all that crap as a slow suicide. when i was a teenager i use to cut myself all the time and had those thoughts back then. i worked hard to stop it but never realized that i just replaced it with another method. i'm sorry to hear about what has been happening to u as well. i pray that god continues to give u the strength to be there for your family especially in times like these. its never easy to loose a love one let alone see them suffer. when my other grandfather died yrs ago it was hard and to be honest when i try to remember him...its his last year that i picture. its hard to forget it.

brentyboy:
thank you for your advice. i appreciate it.

[musculArgirl2]

when it comes to financial aid they wont get me any help because i'm not 24yrs old. only then will they allow me to file independent even though i don't live with them. joining anything military would kill me because of the thought of being away from my grandmother. besides my aunt i'm all she has. all of the other family members have passed on and she doesnt have many friends. i'm the only one who visits her on a regular basis and helps her out around the house. my aunt stops by once a week to help as well but she lives almost 2hrs away. if something happens i'm only 15min away to be there for her.

Shows how long i haven't been in college. I googled it and now you do have to be 24 to claim independence. Before when i was 18 you could claim it just by having your parents not claim you as an independent on their tax forms. I still would talk to the Finanical aid department of your school if you haven't already. explain the situation and see if there is anything they could do. I'm sure your not the only one that has that problem and they must work around it some how.

You will get it sorted out. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be too far away from your grandmother and aunt. Your a great, nice girl Christina and i know your feeling rather down now and you have a lot of family stuff on your plate, but just keep your goals and your dreams close to you. And try to stay focused on them like allison was saying about how fitness and eating healthy helps her. You have a support system here too with Boss and everyoone here so don't forget that as well.

[fitoverforty]

I appreciate you being open and willing to share what you are going through. I am sorry about your family problems, but what I see in you is a very loving caring person who just wants to find her way and help herself and her family. It is SO easy to fall back on unhealthy food choices in the mistaken belief that it will make you feel better. We all do it, have done it, and probably will do again at some point. So, don't beat yourself up over that.
Allison made a very good point, I had to go back and read it a few times:

You should also realize that the past is past and can't be changed, and the future will never be here...it will always be somewhere out there. All you have is this moment right now.

well said. It is a simple idea, but makes perfect sense - we try and try to figure things out but when you look at it like Allison does, it is all so clear.

This moment right now is all we have. It's all we'll ever have. So just breathe

btw..Allison, your blog is such a beautiful tribute to what it means to be a daughter and to your mom and your love for your family and the walk you are all on right now. Thank you for sharing that link - it can help so many who are facing life's struggles and the uncertainties of this fragile thing we call "life".

Let good food and exercise be your anchor, your rock. Don't toss these things when the going gets rough, hold on tight to them.

Those things have saved me time and time again, so Christina, I know it may be hard, but let exercise and working on yourself from the inside out be your escape, your relief, your anchor.
Hugs.

[Boss Man]

Christina, yes sometimes people do replace bad things with substitutes. one addition for another, or in your case cutting with food.

Would it be prudent to compare you to the impoverished 3rd world people, to highlight all that is better about your life? Possibly, but I won't do that now as I don't see it will be of much importance right now.

As for how you eat and live. If you can't use the Gym, find alternatives okay . Do it at home with bodyweighted stuff or things like that and keep the food good. Try not to give in to food and try not to let it start to rule you again.

You need to keep believing that things WILL work out for you. I know it's hard and I completely empathise with you. You are such lovely, lovely person and when you smile it is incredibly touching and whilst things seem difficult they are no impossible.

You need to stay focused on every aspect of you though. The studies and espeically your health, because you don't want your health to be a hinderance to your studies, because you struggle with sitting down for long periods of time, or take a few too many days off with sickness, because your body isn't strong enough to fight infections.

I feel your anguish I really do, but at the same time I never fail to see the beauty in the real and candid honesty of words like yours.

I want to tell you, I AM INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU for being strong enough to write all that and for not giving up on yourself. You really can be such a beautiful young Lady, when you let that part of you come out Christina and I will let you know that as always, I will try to be here for you where possible, whatever happens.

I'm sending you a BIG HUG and letting you know you DO have the power to be an aamazing peson and by remembering what you ARE worth and what you CAN achieve, you will find the way(s), to do it.

Don't stop believing in yourself and don't stop loving yourself in the way you deserve to. You CAN take a few positives from all this I'm sure and learn from it and become stronger.

Shapefit will always, always be a home from home for you sweetheart, for as long as this site exists. We all think so much of you and we all want you to succeed in life and I will support you 10,000% in every decision you make.

So GOOD LUCK with everything, including the studies. Don't stop believing that the person you CAN be, can be even more superb and valuable and precious than you are already. Take heart in all the qualities you possess inside and treasure them and let them grow each and every day, because you CAN touch people a lot with your words and beauty and as for your Dad, he is a dick for not realising how lucky he is, to have people like you in his life.

Shame on him for being so cowardly, ignorant and weak and your Mother for being much the same. You are a million times the person they are and you deserve to feel like it too. So be proud of the inner you Christina, because you have earned that right .

Your Grandmother and Aunt are so lucky to be touched by someone like you.

GODO LUCK again and WELL DONE again for posting what you did, I'm bursting with pride for you right now, for being so strong and candid.

You are pretty amazing and BEAUTIFUL .

[rockchick_82808]

today i braved the scale for the first time in a long time and cried. i hit rock bottom. i am at the highest weight i have ever been in my life. 238.8! i feel so disgusted with my self its heart breaking. i need to get my act together. i need to start taking of me! not just my body but everything around me. i have become lazy. my room is a mess my clothes need to be washed. if i start taking care of that and get in the routine and push my self other things will follow through. today i need to get off my lard ass and do something! i dont want to cry bc crying doesnt solve anything. i need to move. i pray that god will give me the strength to finally pull though with this. i can't allow this to happen anymore. i cant allow this to get the best of me.

[Nokie173]

Sorry to hear that girl... but I'm going to quote this from Lu... "I'm moving forward, not looking back and dealing with "life" stuff as I go.." It's a good reality check and a motivation to push and keep pushing harder for your goal. We are here for you.

[musculArgirl2]

I agree with Nokie, Christina! Keep looking forward can't change the past. I know it's been tough. Are you having trouble because your too busy to workout and having a hard time with the diet?? Or is it family troubles and stress?? Either way You can do this!! Don't get down get busy!

NIce to see you around!

[Boss Man]

You CAN do it that's the thing, but belief is key, because without it you cannot achieve anything much.

You have not given up on yourself, so be proud of that and keep believing okay. I have never stopped believing in you and I'm not going to give up on you unless you give up on yourself.

Chin up and best wishes okay .

[rockchick_82808]

thank you everyone! well here is what i had done today.

i cleaned my room and started some laundry. i then tore down all the old pics of people i wish i could look like on my door. instead i put pics of me when i was at my thinnest knowing that since it was reality....it can happen again. also i took a rubber bracelet and wrote my weight on it and put it on my right hand. since i eat with my right hand it will remind me what im working for. every time i go to pick up crap from work i will see it. so far today it has worked. i had apples, squash and watched my portions for dinner. i even went out and jogged to miles today!

the weight gain is from not caring what i eat as long as i stuff my face which is stuffing my jeans! also the stress from whats going on in the family. ive been home a lot because of working so much so today i made a trip out with my bf and his mom to go shopping for bargains. we went to jcpenny and bought new jeans and shirts all at 2.97 each! it felt good to have new clothes for work. because the ones i have now are too damn tight bc of the weight gain. at least i wont feel gross at work now. i made sure when i ate today that i only did it when i was hungry. i noticed i have a habit of eating to just pass the time. especially at work! even though im busy as hell at work i still eat junk. i hope this little trick with the bracelet will work. crossing fingers. im gonna try to sleep in tomorrow so i can get my rest too. ive been over working myself which is another reason i havent been watchin my food intake.

i cant wait until next year. sometime i will be taking a kick boxing class. i hope by then i will of lost some weight. all this weight gain i have noticed that i even get tired walking up the stairs! that is just god aweful! im 23 i should not be having these problems. i caught myself looking at myself in every mirror at the stores today because of worrying so much about how i look. i want to walk into a store knowing i look good and not have a care in the world! im going to try my hardest to blog everyday. even if it is only one sentence. i will blog something! also i have noticed that i have been less and less water. i need to bring that up and zero out the energy drinks! before i go to school tomorrow im gonna make myself some eggs. i think ill run home b4 i go to work so i can make sure to have something for dinner there so i dont buy crap. all in all i think i made some head way today. i wont have any time tomorrow to finish up my clothes and cleaning my room but maybe saturday morning b4 work i will.

[rockchick_82808]

[quote="amatlack" Being thin won't make you happy, but being happy can help you lose weight.[/quote]

a couple years ago when i was a size 14, i was at that for about a year. and how i lost the weight, i was living life! i was always out with friends, just started dating my bf at the time, things were great! despite what the home life was like i found ways to get out and take my mind off. the saying makes perfect sense. i just have to find my way again. i know i cant be out with my friends all the time like last time bc our schedules hardly ever match up now a days. i just need to start focusing on the good things happening right now in my life and stop doweling on the bad. when u mentioned being a size 16 in high school i can relate! its crazy to think that miss being in that size! i want to think you for telling me about yourself because it sounds a lot like me and i have some one to relate to.

one of my bf's friends is really inspiring me too. he has lost 121 pounds in 5months! hes very dedicated and has an amazing drive. hes counting calories and exercising. hes not doing it in a dangerous way. he was a pretty hefty dude so the amount lost can happen. its gonna start slowing down soon bc hes really coming close to his goal. i never personally knew anyone who has lost weight let alone been successful. you always see it in shows our stories online but never anything close to home. just one more thing to kick me in the butt and say it can happen, u just have to be dedicated and quit using the excuse its not so you don't give up.