Jena's Journal.

[Boss Man]

I totally get what you're saying and I'm not saying that just to appease you . I can only begin to imagine how much you must have known and felt. I can't say that having the attitude you have to people who use and abuse you, is entirely a sound choice, because they should never do that and to me would never earn forgiveness and I respect how you feel towards them even if I have concerns for such an approach to users and abusers.

I can't tell you you should give such people no respect or forgiveness, however their actions shouldn't necessarily make you bitter either, but there will always be people that don't like you, hence the users and abusers, so giving yourself the chance to be rid of some of what you feel, can always be a comeback at those people, by showing people their behaviour never hindered you as a person .

As for me, I don't always feel good about things, but I largely try to see the positive in most things. What I said to you is not a marshmellow thing , but something I felt at the time.

Though I know that cannot happen really, but if it could it would have been true .

Ultimately you need to do what is best for you, but I can't help thinking that you could improve your life so much, if you could find a way to overcome some or all of things you have had to know and feel and see thme differently in some way.

I hope that somehow you can, because I don't think you fully realise just how amazing you could become in the future and you are a very talented artist and a very intellectual person and it proves that you have value and ability and things to build foundations of your life with and you DO have a chance in life to progress and do well.

Keep on trying to make your weight issues change for the better. You ARE doing quite well and I AM PROUD OF YOU and I am sending you a BIG HUG because inspite of everything, you are human and I appreciate how much you want to change and feel like a more complete person, but I know it must be hard to challenge what made you who you are, because you fear knock-on effects occuring, that might make things worse for you.

I can't tell you what confronting fears, hurt and other things from your past would ultimately do in the short or long-term, but sometimes it may be necessary to take a leap of faith, in order to learn, grown and be stronger and better for it.

You certainly should NEVER have to be ashamed or embarrassed for who you are. There's no shame in ever admitting you've been used, abused and hurt in life and it shouldn't feel embarrassing to be that person either, because you're not someone who has repeatedly made mistakes, that impact badly on your life, you've just lived with things that you couldn't prevent or avoid largely and didn't know how to deal with, but like anyone, we are not born to know how to deal with, or cope with certain things, it's either through others guidance, or luck or trial and error, we learn as human beings.

Sometimes things seem instinctive, but that's just the way it is. Perhaps learning how to be happier, can only happen when you learn to win over some of the things that make you sad.

It's ultimately your life and your choices. You're smart enough to know how you think things should play out, but whatever happens, this site will always be somewhere for you to be a part of and to find the refuge of people that will never think less of you for being you.

You DO have the potential to be absolutely amazing, but when it's crunch time you are the main catalyst for that, not anyone or anything else .

GOOD LUCK .

[MissJenaKay]

As for me, I don't always feel good about things, but I largely try to see the positive in most things. What I said to you is not a marshmellow thing , but something I felt at the time.

Though I know that cannot happen really, but if it could it would have been true .

Aww, thanks, Boss. Also, you never know. I plan on studying for a year in England, so our paths may cross someday. Haha.

Ultimately you need to do what is best for you, but I can't help thinking that you could improve your life so much, if you could find a way to overcome some or all of things you have had to know and feel and see thme differently in some way.

I hope that somehow you can, because I don't think you fully realise just how amazing you could become in the future and you are a very talented artist and a very intellectual person and it proves that you have value and ability and things to build foundations of your life with and you DO have a chance in life to progress and do well.

Thanks, Boss.

I can't tell you what confronting fears, hurt and other things from your past would ultimately do in the short or long-term, but sometimes it may be necessary to take a leap of faith, in order to learn, grown and be stronger and better for it.

I don't take leaps of faith. I refuse to, because it never ends well for me. :/ Thanks for everything, Boss. As always, you say such nice and encouraging things. I really wish that I could just act on them, but I can't. I hold myself back and I know that it's my own fault.


In other news, I went to a party tonight, first one ever. Haha. I feel like such a goodie two shoes saying that. :p I don't drink, probably never will, so I don't have anything to regret. Other than the fact that I ate pretty much nothing all day today. And I didn't track any. However, I did do a lot of walking and I bought some disney plushies!!! c: c: Wheeeeee!!! I'm sure the women in the TWO separate disney stores I went into thought I was crazy. I got all giddy when the second store had Tod (the fox) because the first store only had Copper (the hound). THey were buy one get one free. Me and Jnna split the BOGO at the first store ad then we were actually on our way to a record store and I saw the second one and asked the girls I was with if I could check to see if they had Tod because he's my favorite and so we went in there and I squealed when I saw they had ONE TOD LEFT. SO I got him and Nemo. c: c: Day was instantly made. c: Anywho. . . I'm a nearly 19 year old that still squeals with joy over things in the Disney store. Today was a good day. c:

[Boss Man]

I don't take leaps of faith. I refuse to, because it never ends well for me. :/ Thanks for everything, Boss. As always, you say such nice and encouraging things. I really wish that I could just act on them, but I can't. I hold myself back and I know that it's my own fault.

You CAN take control though. You know you hold yourself back, so identifying the issue is the first step to solving the issue .

The thing is though, how much can you move forwards in life, if you just refuse to undertake certain potentially life enhancing things, if you always believe they will fail you?

By the law of averages, some things you do that you fear might be bittersweet and may initially seem good only to turn sour, could be things that don't have a sting in the tail.

I know it's a once bitten twice shy scenario, but if you have as much love as you proffess, even for those who have wronged you very badly in your past, then you must have enough love for yourself, unless you are giving too much to others at your own expense, in which case don't do that, because their lives won't dall apart if you choose to care a little less, to decde to stop giving anything to the wrongdoers and save it for yourself.

It's not wrong to feel like you do, but if it's preventing you in any way from moving forwards, thne that to me seems wrong and if you'e afraid some people will ike you less, then if it's the wrongdoers, then they never liked you that much anyway, to be such people to you, so losing what some of that shred of respect, they had for you wouldn't be such a hardship.

I don't like offending or hurting people, but some people in my past who took one or two liberties, mostly a few people from my schooldays, have long since largely been forgotten and I don't have any cause to mix with them anyway anymore.

They were just losers who only mixed with certain people. I think back and pity them, for being pathetic, flawed, inadequate people with underdeveloped emotional content and about as much backbone as a chicken.

They don't give me any sleepless nights and they were never people who made my life a living hell. I lived a normal upbringing with highs and a lows the same as many people do.

I admit though if I met one of them in the street and they still thought they could say a retarded thing, or push their luck a bit, I won't lie that I would be tempted after a while to punch someone like that, if they persisted in trying to be as pathetic as in days of old, though I don't provoke easily..

I ignored such behaviour and didn't do as I eluded to above back then, for fear of being punished by the school and letting my family down, not that they are harsh people, but they wouldn't have taken kindly, to me being disallowed to go back to school for a few days, because I clumped someone and most parents wouldn't take kindly either.

You may not wholely agree with how I feel about certain people and things, but it has not shaped in any way my reasoning or responses to your situation, because I don't seek to use an "I'd do X if I were you", approach to you, regards the people who let you down badly in life.

Moving on is something you MUST do to let yourself heal. To believe that certain positive steps cannot work out in any circumstances, is a hinderance, because they can for others and you're no different .

I wish I could take away the darkness inside of you and let more of your light shine, but I can't to a large extent. only you can, by choosing to let whichever people you feel can help you do that, have as much of your feelings and heart as they need, to help you move forwards.

Sooner or later you will have to increase the amount of people you are willing to trust, because not all people of authority, older age or status, are only interested in furthering themselves and not you.

Well educated proffessional people who work to help the mind or body, can sometimes be negligent or corrupt, but many are not and you can fear therapists, Doctors, mind coaches etc, all you like, but the vast majority don't want to make things worse, but to make things better.

Think of it as public speaking or stand-up comedy. Theoretically You get less nervous the more you do it.

So I know you could really feel bad, having to confront some very dark episodes in your past, or things that made you feel embarrassed, but the more you learn to change your relationship to those feelings in positive ways, the more you could improve your chances of changing yourself positively too.

I know you want to feel like it's self preservation. Care for all and risk little to nothing, but I believe you can change and can learn to overcome what you have felt and experienced before now.

I believe so much in you, and your potential to move on and I know you can move on more, even if you cannot yet see it for yourself .

If you ever feel the slightest inkling to tackle anything you fear to speak of head on, please, please don't hesitate to PM me and tell me how you are feeling or what you are regressing about .

I will ALWAYS be on your side sweetheart, ALWAYS .

BIG, BIG HUGS

I never promise anything to anyone, because I know there's that 0.1% chance it could be broken, but I can guarantee you that I want the best for you in life, though I know I can't guarantee to give you your deserved life back, the happier kind of life you have always deserved, but I've experienced enough of you and your commentary on your life and dreams and hopes and wishes to know, I can try my best to help you find more of the person you deserve to be and help you to overcome some of the things you have experienced in life and if you ever feel even a 0.1% urge to let me, don't hesitate to talk to me privately, because I'm not a mind coach, therapist, psychoanalyst or anything like that and I won't intentionally embarrass you or shame you, so please do talk to me if you can even feel the slightest compunction to talk about even 1% of the darkness in your past, you think you will never be able to deal with.

You're still talking to us here and still trying to make a difference to your life and not giving up on yourself and I want you to know, I'M VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU Jena and you should be too, because when you want to be, you really can be a little shining star and a beautiful one as well.

.

[MissJenaKay]

Today's totals

Calories - 1902
Exercise - 647
Net Calories - 1255
Fat - 97 (high oops)
Carbs - 180
Fibre - 12
Sugar - 79
Protein - 82
Sodium - 3775

(I blame the high fat and sodium on the fact that I had hotdogs wrapped in croissants for dinner. My roommie made them and told me to eat some. Lol)

I know it's a once bitten twice shy scenario, but if you have as much love as you profess, even for those who have wronged you very badly in your past, then you must have enough love for yourself, unless you are giving too much to others at your own expense, in which case don't do that, because their lives won't fall apart if you choose to care a little less, to decide to stop giving anything to the wrongdoers and save it for yourself.

I generally hate myself. I would much rather be the person to get hurt if it makes someone feel better or happier.

Moving on is something you MUST do to let yourself heal. To believe that certain positive steps cannot work out in any circumstances, is a hinderance, because they can for others and you're no different .

I don't like to take risks, I refuse to get into something without at least having a little bit of an idea of how it's going to go. That's why I don't try to meet new people, that's why I don't tell people when I have feelings for them, that's why I don't treat people badly, and most of all, that's why I'm not open with people.

Sooner or later you will have to increase the amount of people you are willing to trust, because not all people of authority, older age or status, are only interested in furthering themselves and not you.

Well educated proffessional people who work to help the mind or body, can sometimes be negligent or corrupt, but many are not and you can fear therapists, Doctors, mind coaches etc, all you like, but the vast majority don't want to make things worse, but to make things better.

Think of it as public speaking or stand-up comedy. Theoretically You get less nervous the more you do it.

Bahahaha, no, it doesn't get any easier. I'm still just as nervous about talking to people, making phone-calls all that as I have ever been. xD

So I know you could really feel bad, having to confront some very dark episodes in your past, or things that made you feel embarrassed, but the more you learn to change your relationship to those feelings in positive ways, the more you could improve your chances of changing yourself positively too.

I know you want to feel like it's self preservation. Care for all and risk little to nothing, but I believe you can change and can learn to overcome what you have felt and experienced before now.

I believe so much in you, and your potential to move on and I know you can move on more, even if you cannot yet see it for yourself .

If you ever feel the slightest inkling to tackle anything you fear to speak of head on, please, please don't hesitate to PM me and tell me how you are feeling or what you are regressing about .

I will ALWAYS be on your side sweetheart, ALWAYS .

Thanks, Boss, I really wish I could work on the things that I don't like, the things I know are holding me back. But I really don't want to. I really hate feeling afraid and/or nervous so I avoid the feelings at all costs. I don't feel like stepping outside my comforts is going to help at all.... I don't see how forcing myself to work through and think about the things that I never want to think about could help.

I never promise anything to anyone, because I know there's that 0.1% chance it could be broken, but I can guarantee you that I want the best for you in life, though I know I can't guarantee to give you your deserved life back, the happier kind of life you have always deserved, but I've experienced enough of you and your commentary on your life and dreams and hopes and wishes to know, I can try my best to help you find more of the person you deserve to be and help you to overcome some of the things you have experienced in life and if you ever feel even a 0.1% urge to let me, don't hesitate to talk to me privately, because I'm not a mind coach, therapist, psychoanalyst or anything like that and I won't intentionally embarrass you or shame you, so please do talk to me if you can even feel the slightest compunction to talk about even 1% of the darkness in your past, you think you will never be able to deal with.

Thanks for the offer, Boss.

You're still talking to us here and still trying to make a difference to your life and not giving up on yourself and I want you to know, I'M VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU Jena and you should be too, because when you want to be, you really can be a little shining star and a beautiful one as well.

.

So I'm a star?? That's news to me. Thanks again, you always take so much time to respond and I greatly appreciate that and every single word that you write to me.

[MissJenaKay]

No, sir, didn't come across as an earful. Thanks for following along. I thought you had given up or something... Good to know I didn't make you hate me. Haha. :p

As for keeping track of absolutes, I'm not sure that I will remember to, but I will try. I prefer to say I can't when I've tried and I literally cannot get myself to do whatever it is, whether it be because of fear or whatever. Because it FEELS like it's impossible. And so long as something feels impossible, isn't it pretty much impossible?? That is how it seems to me in life, anyway. Oh well, I will try to be more aware of absolutes.

[Boss Man]

I really wish I could work on the things that I don't like, the things I know are holding me back. But I really don't want to. I really hate feeling afraid and/or nervous so I avoid the feelings at all costs. I don't feel like stepping outside my comforts is going to help at all.... I don't see how forcing myself to work through and think about the things that I never want to think about could help.

Feeling nervous about anything is a normal human response, but once that step is taken and you proffess just one little deeply dark thing to someone, you'll have done it. If you do that, you can let the other person be able to take the chance and reach back to you and communicate with you about it in a way you deserve to.

You speak of this word "can't" and say I've tried so I can't, but often people who use the word can't regarding something, believe they have tried all things, when often they have tried everything they know or can think of, which is not always the same thing as every possible mode of attack in a situation.

Example. You try to reach for a cup on a high shelf, so you try 3 or 4 times to reach on tip toes and can't reach. What do you do? Say I can't reach that and get someone else?

What if someone else was not available because you were on your own? Would you use something else as a makeshift drinks recepticle like a bowl, or if you initially chose not to drink water, revert to water using cupped hands?

What about trying to gett the cup with a pair of stepladders, or a small chair, or possibly if you had one handy, a fishing net, or a small grabber, the kind of thing you use for picking up litter and grab the handle, or maybe the bent end of a hockey stick, through the cup handle, to get the cup down.

The latter olptions migth be necessary if you had a chair that was too small and no Ladders, but the person who had no available help and an inadequate chair to use, might revert to either using cupped hands to drink, or just not bother to drink at all.

If you struggle to meet people, like you see someone in a corridor, but can never talk to them, why not use a bulletin board to post a post-it note, like for example Jena Kay would like to invite "person X", to "location Y" at "Z time of the day", to get to know you better. if you can, please write yes or something similar undeneath, to let me know. Thank you "smiley face".

You might waste your time, but maybe the person wouldn't come, because they didn't notice the message, or it fell off and got binned, or they just forgot, rather than having no intention of a rendezvous with you anytime, anywhere. So would you then see their no show as an automatic I don't want to meet he anywhere anytime period?

Regards my initial comments, you may not see how confronting fears or dark parts of your past may help, but that's part of learning; it's part of life.

There's plenty of ways in which something can help a situation, but logic dictates if someone can't see how something can benefit a given situation, they would at least want to know.

If you tried to consider the idea of working through some of your past, you could then ask, why will this help me, instead of saying I don't think it will help me so I won't do it.

Instead of saying something like, I don't want to understand what working through old stuff might do; If you were able to try and understand or rationalise better, what working through old feelings might do for you in a positve way, logically you might be more amenable to it .

You have a right to know what a happier life is life, but until you start to question the validity of trying to overcome past feelings and hurt, you can't even begin to do what you deserve to do, which is to get over them and therefore you will limt any future happiness you can have.

I know you'd be taking a big risk to talk about what you have known and felt, but believe me, some people live with a life of darkness for a long time. You're not living with constant and negative experiences like that, just memories of those experiences. So you're not living in a poisoned chalice existance, where the same pain and fear exists every day, you live with that pain and fear, but now they're mostly memories, not real life day to day stuff like they are for some.

So now you are to some extent free of those things, because you remember them, but aren't in the middle of those feelings anymore and as a result, you now have to find them to feel them, they don't find you.

This is a small break in the connection to those feelings, which is a small step to overcoming them. If you said I'm in constant fear every day of x,y,z then it would be harder to get over them.

You are an "I don't want x,y,z to happen again, so I won't risk letting them happen again" person now, so now you are consciously making a choice to avoid the fear and hurt you once knew, the fear and hurt don't try to prevent you making that choice.

So now you are partly free of what you used to feel, you have a choice to begin to reject them, or change your view of things that happened and step further away from those feelings.

Perhaps now you can understand better why taking that leap of faith and talking about certain things, can be a more fruitful decision, because if you're not living in the midst of fear and hurt, those things can't control you like they once did for a time. You can learn to control them more and take back more of the life you deserve, but were denied for several years .

Maybe just maybe things can work out for you. Just live with that though instead of automatically thinking they can never work out for you. Let yourself at least believe that even if you only feel it 0.1%. Ther's no harm in belieiving, that overcoming things you have known and felt in your past might be possible is there?

.

[MissJenaKay]

Well, Brent, I've proven myself wrong. Boss knows what I'm talking about. I shared a little with him, and I can't say that 'm glad I did. But I did. I feel sick and I'm shaking and I'm crying and I hate myself for it right now, but I hope the feeling will go away as it did with coming out to my parents.

In other news, since I'm not in the mood to write much right now, here are my totals.

Calories - 1460
Fat - 62
Carbs - 177
Fibre - 7
Sugar - 81
Protein - 55
Sodium - 2511

[MissJenaKay]

Well, I've not been posting on here much, but I have been keeping track of what I eat and I want to try to get back into posting everyday.

Here's yesterday's totals

Calories - 1547
Exercise - 648
Net Calories - 899
Fat - 58
Carbs - 173
Fibre - 10
Sugar - 47
Protein - 93
Sodium - 2923

[MissJenaKay]

Hello everyone. I weighed myself recently (I can't remember what day. LOL. I think it was yesterday, but it could have been thursday, wednesday or monday....) and I've lost another pound! My weightloss running total is now 13.4 pounds! c:

Today's Totals
Calories - 1868
Exercise - 567
Net Calories - 1301
Fat - 130 (holy cow...)
Carbs - 106
Fibre - 11
Sugar - 28
Protein - 84
Sodium - 3555

[musculArgirl2]

My weightloss running total is now 13.4 pounds! c:

Nice!!

[MissJenaKay]

Thanks, Becky! c:

In other news, I just realised why my fat intake was so high yesterday, I made my peanut butter protein fudge. It's made with margarine, low fat cream cheese, peanut butter, no calorie sweetener and whey protein powder. I had about 6 pieces throughout the day yesterday. Lol. So I guess it spiked my fat intake from the peanut butter and margarine.

[Nokie173]

I find it kinda hard to give you input because I don’t see your food intake just numbers. However, good job on your 13.4lbs

[MissJenaKay]

I would post everything I eat and times, but I forget to even check the clock anymore. I'll try to guesstimate times and do it for this week though. I think it would be helpful to get some input on what I eat. Thanks, by the way c:

[Boss Man]

In my neck of the woods / world, you have lost nearly a stone, (14 lbs), so that in my reckoning is a great milestone to have reached. I am so, so pleased for you and proud of you for getting this far, because in some ways, moreso in the past, it has been a struggle, but finally it looks like you are starting to make some good steady headway.

Hopefully soon enough you'll be able to start, if you haven't done so already, wearing some slightly smaller clothes.

[MissJenaKay]

In my neck of the woods / world, you have lost nearly a stone, (14 lbs), so that in my reckoning is a great milestone to have reached. I am so, so pleased for you and proud of you for getting this far, because in some ways, moreso in the past, it has been a struggle, but finally it looks like you are starting to make some good steady headway.

Hopefully soon enough you'll be able to start, if you haven't done so already, wearing some slightly smaller clothes.

I know! I'm so excited. I love when I get to tell my UK friends that I'm almost down to 16 and a half stone. c: My clothes have not actually gotten much looser, sadly. Last time I lost weight (the whole 25 pounds that I did) I didn't go down a size in clothes until I had lost about 20-22 pounds. I wish I could start wearing smaller clothes, I would be so excited. Actually. I dunno if that would be a good thing right now because I have NO money to spend on clothes... Hell, I don't even have money to spend on groceries.

Anywho. Here's my eating and workout today. c:

6:30 AM - WakeUp
7:30 AM - 4oz Light Yogurt, 1 piece protein fudge
10:30 - about 3 almonds and a sip of soy milk. Lol
11:30 - Turkey sanwich on whole wheat with light mayo and 1 slice low fat cheese
12:30 - 2 piece fudge
2:00 - 2 piece fudge
5:40 - Rice a roni (terribly low in protein)
8:30 - Workout
- 30 mins elliptical
- some ab work, didn't really count anything
9:30 - 1/2scoop protein powder in water and a clementine

Today's Totals
Calories - 1891
Exercise - 501
Net Calories - 1390
Fat - 116 (really high from all the fudge again today. :c It's so addicting though D: )
Carbs - 178
Fibre - 12
Sugar - 56
Protein - 57
Sodium - 3430