Jena's Journal.

[Boss Man]

I'll tell you something honest about your mild aversion to your therapy .

This reminds me very much of the initial relationship, between Will Hunting and Shaun the therapist, in the film Good Will Hunting. If you have not seen it, an intelligent young man from a troubled background, who works menial jobs, struggles to confront darker elements of his past, so he hides them and therefore has difficulty, socialising with qualified people who try to help him.

Even Shaun does not want to help him intially, after one session, as he sees Will as arrogant and someone who has lived his life in books, not with huge emotion and experience and also because Will makes assumptions and judgements about him, based almost entirely on nothing but what he can see in the room.

The bond of trust eventually becomes established and eventually Will learns to recognise, how the failings of others that shaped him, were not determined in part by him and that he was just a casualty to some extent, of his own childhood.

He is then able to reconcile himself to a large degree, with who he is and rationalise more the meaning and expressions of his character, personality and inner self and it allows him to recognise things he should do, to enhance his life and to experience more of what he has had little to no personal understanding of, outside of words and pictures.

You yourself seem to portay this character to some degree, in your actions by, to my way of looking at it, believing that the person trying to help you is either against you in some way, or would be trying to change the unchangeable, as if you might be scared, that some sort of psychological fix to the ordered chaos within you, will make you worse in some way, or make you confront aspects of your past, you fear the most and would see as the most hurtful things you have lived to witness, around or against you.

I appreciate your life must have been hard growing up and one you should never have had to know, but one question you can ask yourself, is how long can you continue to let certain aspects of your past control how you feel, live or build a future for yourself?

You deserve a great life Jena, but you could be hurting your chances of a great life, if you are unable to quash some of the demons that are inside of you and learn to move on from some of those things .

I'm saying what I'm saying becasue I car about you and want you to be happy sweetheart. You can be such a lovely, charming person sometimes and I've seen the good in you because I know it's there and depe down you do too.

However you may think in some way you're damaged and such damages can't be fixed, but I see someone who is not beyond help and can see a more complete person that you could be .

Nothing bad you have ever experienced in your life is your fault and you must believe that, because it's true .

Not being open with strangers is a good way to be raised. Don't necessarily trust every man jack and child that seems nice, but I know if I needed to be honest and truthful with someone, like a Doctor, or a financial expert, or someone supposedly qualified to help me with my problem(s), my problem(s) could never be accurately assessed and helpd to go away.

Only you can make this decision about these referrals and whatever you decide I WILL be someone that will support your decision, I give you my word okay, but I would say that if you ever needed to be more upfront about aspects of your life with others, then you have that right and and that chance and that chance is now and if you don't take it and speak to one or more other people, you could be living with feelings and memories inside of you, that hurt and hinder your ability to build the life you so richly deserve.

I know you're shy, I know you're depressed sometimes, hate yourself sometimes, self loathe sometimes, feel inadequate sometimes and feel like you're fighting to live a life that is anything close to normal and I will always be PROUD OF YOU for not giving up on yourself, but you shouldn't have to live in the shadow of your past or your feelings, or be a victim to them, because you deserve more than a future that has restricted growth, because certain situations and experiences remain a no-no becasue of how you feel or what you have known.

I know you know I'm making sense, because you know I really do want the best for you and I want you to be happy, but why should you limit your own potential, by letting things you feel or have experienced dictate what you can do or achieve, when telling someone like this Fowzia or a similar person, who wants to care and wants to help you to love yourself more and value yourself more, could be such a liberating experience for you.

I know you might have to confront old feelings and hurt, but by learning to give them less house room and respect and learning to find different ways to overcome them and conquor them, you could really give yourself more emotional and mental space to grow and blossom as a person.

You really really are worth so much Jena, so much, because you are such an intelligent person and sometimes a very beautiful light as well and you deserve to live a life that means even more to you than it must do right now.

You deserve to be happy and successful an feel special and beautiful sweetheart, because you are so wonderfully unique and because ou can make great strides forward in life, that can't be made later on when many years have passed and if another therapist can help you do that, because you say something like, Hi my name is Jena Kay and I'm a mixed bag of emotions looking for more clarity and beauty in my life, please can I show you part of myself, so you can help me, then that has to be a good thing right .

Forget what you got told as a kid about strangers for a few moments. This is not some guy moving in next door or anything like that, or a stranger in the park trying to befriend you, this is about a person with qualifications, wanting to respect you, care about you and help you find the real beauty of you and you deserve to be given their time and attention, to try to make it happen, because whoever they may be, it's their job to help you and you being truely transparent with then can help you overcome some of your past and move on more easily.

This is your life, your potentially beautiful life and you don't need to be holding yourself back, because you are worth SO MUCH more than that

As I say though I will support any decision you make on this and I know you know that. I can't do more than I do do, it's no possible, but I care anough to spend my time showing that to you however I feel is right.

You don't owe me anything, and I will NEVER, EVER ask you to repay me, or to give me anything more than a modicum of respect and understanding for it, but you are starting to make a life for yourself and you and you alone can have the greatest control over that and can allow yourself to move forwards more positively if you want to, by making some potentially tough, but also potentially rewarding and life changing choices.

Please think a little more carefully about your decision to give the referrals the elbow and your unwillingness to be a little more open to people as well, because if the opportunity changes your life for the better and you reject it, you might be living in the shadow of your past experiences and feelings for a long time to come and you will struggle to find more of the truly beautiful young Lady you are capable of being .

It's your choice, but please believe I am trying my best to understand and be supportive to you, because I don't want to see you living for many years, with the feelings and hurt you have NEVER deserved to know and feel, because you are so much more of a person than you have ever realised, you really are .

BIG, BIG HUGS

[MissJenaKay]

First I'll get my update for today out of the way.

Today's Totals
Calories - 2014 (kinda high, but I'm glad it's high with as much as I worked out today)
Exercise - 972 (I did TWO 35 minute sessions on the elliptical today)
Net Calories - 1042
Fat - 91
Carbs - 205
Sugar - 88
Fibre - 17
Protein - 96
Sodium - 2669

And now.... my reply to Boss.

Thanks, so much, Boss for everything you do for me. The thing is that I just get really embarrassed talking about things that are wrong. I don't even tell you a lot of the things that torment me in my head, and I trust you a HELL of a lot. I just . . . I don't know. I guess that I just care SO much about my appearance to others in my attitude and personality that I'm afraid to let the darker, less public things out. The thing is though, I don't know that I even WANT them to get out of my head and my heart, simply because I don't know what they'll do. I mean this summer was a perfect example, I came out to my parents, but only after I was blackmailed and forced into it. I had a near breakdown and cried for hours before I had to do it, and had a raging headache for days afterword. Letting things out that could change people's perceptions of me in a negative direction are just things that I hate to do. I refuse to. I'm not 100% honest with anyone. I'm not a transparent person and I don't know that I ever want to be. I just can't handle facing fears. I know that can't is a terrible word, and I know that if Brent were around, he would definitely not approve and probably give me an earful, but I just can't face fears unless I'm forced to and then I feel traumatized for days. Hell, one of my fears is having to call establishments. I hate booking appointments because I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack every time I have to do so. That in and of itself is enough for me to want to call it off with calling up and booking an appointment for a new psychologist. I just.... I know I'm highly restricted by my fears, but by obeying them, I feel better, I feel safer. Albeit nothing changes, but what's so wrong with staying the same? Why are we humans so entranced with change that we feel EVERYTHING must move forward. I'm fucked up and I know that. But it's what I'm used to and even though I hate it and it hurts so much, I'd almost prefer it just because I KNOW what it's like. I know what to expect, how it will feel. I'm afraid of changing. I know it's a really stupid way to be, and that it counteracts so much that I want and believe in, but it's how I feel. If someone could call and make the appointment and go with me, I'd be able to go, but I hate taking the steps. I hate meeting people. And I feel like I waste money with therapists because until I trust them and until I'm willing to open up to them even in the slightest, I'm just wasting my money and time. However, I feel even more like I waste my time and money when I don't even see any sort of connection starting to form, and that's how I was with Fowzia. 6 months of meeting with her and I was still lying about how I felt, and stonewalling her when she brought up certain things. It was a waste, but now I'm too afraid to try again. Life sucks. Then you die. The end.

[Boss Man]

If it were even possible, I'd be going with you to an appointment and being someone who could hold your hand and make you feel it was okay to challenge the demons and speak out against them .

If I could be in the same room as you at some point, like a student rooms or something like that, I would be and giving you such a massive hug and if you wanted to do that for a whole hour, I'd let you, just so you could have a massive release, cry all you wanted and feel a lot of warmth you've probably never known too often, just to let you feel something you could potentially experience in the future, by perhaps learning to confront and / or letting go of some of the demons and pain from your past .

People don't have to conform in certain ways no, nor should they be forced too, but where with someone who is Bipolar, they must live with what they are, because it cannot be cured, just managed, you would have more of a chance to be relieved of your problems to some extent, by letting yourself confront the things you fear to speak of.

The fear you have as you say, is that letting these things loose could make things worse, which I was right to elude to in my previous post and make others see you for less than they do now.

You would then find out however, who the real people were, that could see you for the person you are, which is the innocent party in the incidences you have witnessed and felt first hand, not someone who is not safe to be around or dangerous to know .

People who thought that, would prove to be people that were fake and drag you down and hold you back and a true person would understand and see you as you the innocent party you have been in your life .

I know that what you have known as a childhood is not your fault. You never asked to be born into a life that exposed you to pain and hurt and a life that forced you to feel dismissive of positive things and fear them being bitterswit and turning sour, or being a smokescreen for a proverbial kick in the teeth and yes sometimes good things can go bad, but if you let those things create a constant fear or critisim of the positives, you will never learn to properly realise, that so many positive experiences stay that way and that happiness is something you can have, not just the lucky "others" in this world .

You could stay being the person you are and live with that darkness you have harboured deep down inside for a lifetime, or you could be such a wonderfully brave person and tell someone, whoever that is, whether it's me, a therapist or anyone, just how deep some of the darkness extends and the scars go .

Are you never curious to know, if true happiness is a pursuit that is worthy of your time and attention, or do you believe true happiness is something you are not allowed to know, as if for some reason you have been born to be punished, so that somewhere in the world someone else can have a joyous life and thus the earth has a harmony of sorts, I.E. for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

You are what you are now, but is trying to change conforming to others wishes, or merely you suddenly having an epiphany about how you CAN control more of your life.

The thing you were forced to do about coming out, wasn't pleasant, but how would you have felt if you'd taken the step without being stressed, pressurised or harrassed into it, if you had been so courageous and thought screw it I'm going to say something?

Do you still think in all honesty, you would have felt as badly as you say you did after the event, had you been brave enough ot do it without any outside influences?

Opening up to people is not you being forced to conform or change against your wishes, it's about you finding ways to challange and improve how you live and want to live an learning to try and forget more, the past and move on and be happier.

You're not unique and plenty of people have been through some awful childhoods, but they turned out to be inspiring, amazing people, because they saw the good in themsleves, they realised they were innocents, not people born to be punished for some reason and they saw that it doesn't have to be a repeated effect, where they become some sort of abuser in later life to their children and repeat the cycle, they realise they can be someone greater, when they don't have the people and influences in their life anymore.

You are someone that deserves to know true happiness Jena and deserves to feel beautiful and a valid individual in the world.

I completely understand your fears, I really do and I know it must seem hard to think that if you speak of the real darkness inside of you it will make things worse and cause people to think you're damaged goods, or evil or broekn beyond repair, but those are the fakes and the real people like me, will never think less of you for being you, because you're not to blame for why you are like you are .

I would NEVER push, coerse or pressurise you into anything and I would never blame you for anything you do, just like I've never blamed or admonished you for your occasional outbursts at me, because I don't see someone disrespecting me or lookin like a brat, I see someone confused, scared and a maelstrom of emotions doing whatever feels natural in the moment or whatever emotions seem to happen just then.

I know you have never said anything on here that looked angry to try and hurt me or punish me for opening my inner self to you unconditionally and I never will think less of you for some things you say, because I know deep down it's you "in a moment", or you fighting against urges to say something different, to what you just feel you simply cannot say.

I will ALWAYS try to be here for you like I have before and if there is ever a time you really feel like you can try to make more sense of or confront the darker sides of yourself, don't hesitate to touch base with me please, because I will try to understand and never critisise reveal or judge anything you tell me.

The fact you are still here trying to change your weight and trying to record what you do and have not given up on yourself makes me really proud of you and whatever good things about you I see in you that you don't, I know 100% that you have the ability to one day recognise them yourself.

Whatever happens though, you don't need to change for anyone but yourself. Changing yourself is not a something to please others, but to understand and improve yourself more if you want to.

Think about how much you've experienced before, than think about how bad could it be to confront those things again to try and overcome them. Yes painful memories, but can they really be as or more painful as experiencing what happened when it happened?

I would say honestly, they can't be. I'm 99.99% convinced of that.

As ever though if you have anythin at all, absolutely anything at all you need to get off your chest and feel you just can't do it here, PM me, just please do say as much about anything as you want. I'm not a therapist or a qualified head space analyst of any kind, just someone with an unexplainable knack of understanding people a lot of the time and I am unconditionally yours to harrass, badger and pester anytime at all, so don't ever be afraid to speak to me about absolutely anything, because I give you my word I ma not going to quit on you unless you quit on me .

Keep believing in yourself and keep on pushing for what you want, you're doing great right now and I AM!!!! PROUD OF YOU .

[MissJenaKay]

As per yesterday, I'll post my totals first, then I'll reply to Boss.

Calories - 1673
Fat - 72
Carbs - 162
Sugar - 68
Protein - 62
Sodium - 2936

If it were even possible, I'd be going with you to an appointment and being someone who could hold your hand and make you feel it was okay to challenge the demons and speak out against them .

If I could be in the same room as you at some point, like a student rooms or something like that, I would be and giving you such a massive hug and if you wanted to do that for a whole hour, I'd let you, just so you could have a massive release, cry all you wanted and feel a lot of warmth you've probably never known too often, just to let you feel something you could potentially experience in the future, by perhaps learning to confront and / or letting go of some of the demons and pain from your past .

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Boss, I never knew you were such a marshmallow! That's probably the cutest/sweetest thing I've ever seen you write.

People don't have to conform in certain ways no, nor should they be forced too, but where with someone who is Bipolar, they must live with what they are, because it cannot be cured, just managed, you would have more of a chance to be relieved of your problems to some extent, by letting yourself confront the things you fear to speak of.

The fear you have as you say, is that letting these things loose could make things worse, which I was right to elude to in my previous post, and make others see you for less than they do now.

You would then find out however, who the real people were, that could see you for the person you are, which is the innocent party in the incidences you have witnessed and felt first hand, not someone who is not safe to be around or dangerous to know .

People who thought that, would prove to be people that were fake and drag you down and hold you back and a true person would understand and see you as you the innocent party you have been in your life .

But I don't want to make people think less of me. :c Regardless of who they are. I like being that one person that everyone can come to, knowing that I'll love and care for you, help you with everything that I can and not ask for anything but a chance to be cared for in the future.

You could stay being the person you are and live with that darkness you have harboured deep down inside for a lifetime, or you could be such a wonderfully brave person and tell someone, whoever that is, whether it's me, a therapist or anyone, just how deep some of the darkness extends and the scars go .

Most of what I'm not comfortable with is things that aren't necessarily dark or scars, but things that are just so highly shameful and embarrassing for me to acknowledge.

Are you never curious to know, if true happiness is a pursuit that is worthy of your time and attention, or do you believe true happiness is something you are not allowed to know, as if for some reason you have been born to be punished, so that somewhere in the world someone else can have a joyous life and thus the earth has a harmony of sorts, I.E. for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Oh, I'm pretty much always curious as to what it would be like to be genuinely happy, not just a little giddy for a short time. But fear is stronger than my curiosity it seems.

You are what you are now, but is trying to change conforming to others wishes, or merely you suddenly having an epiphany about how you CAN control more of your life.

The thing you were forced to do about coming out, wasn't pleasant, but how would you have felt if you'd taken the step without being stressed, pressured or harassed into it, if you had been so courageous and thought screw it I'm going to say something?

Do you still think in all honesty, you would have felt as badly as you say you did after the event, had you been brave enough to do it without any outside influences?

I know I would have never screwed up the courage to do it, I never have, with anything. It'll be in my throat, making a knot, my heart racing and everything in my heart and soul telling me to just do it and I can't. I can't make the words work and I can't make the sound come out. I don't know how I would have felt afterward, because I can honestly tell you that it would never have happened, and I still pretend that it didn't. I won't date women and I won't tell anyone else in my family. I feel like it's better for me to just pretend.

I completely understand your fears, I really do and I know it must seem hard to think that if you speak of the real darkness inside of you it will make things worse and cause people to think you're damaged goods, or evil or broekn beyond repair, but those are the fakes and the real people like me, will never think less of you for being you, because you're not to blame for why you are like you are .

I would NEVER push, coerce or pressure you into anything and I would never blame you for anything you do, just like I've never blamed or admonished you for your occasional outbursts at me, because I don't see someone disrespecting me or looking like a brat, I see someone confused, scared and a maelstrom of emotions doing whatever feels natural in the moment or whatever emotions seem to happen just then.

I know you have never said anything on here that looked angry to try and hurt me or punish me for opening my inner self to you unconditionally and I never will think less of you for some things you say, because I know deep down it's you "in a moment", or you fighting against urges to say something different, to what you just feel you simply cannot say.

Boss, it's not a matter of fake or not. Everyone is precious to me, no matter how terribly they treat me and no matter how much they use me. I love people and I want to be someone that ANYONE can turn to for love and care. I'm glad you understand that I only lash out when I'm hurt or scared, a lot of people just chalk it up to me being a bitch or something.

Think about how much you've experienced before, than think about how bad could it be to confront those things again to try and overcome them. Yes painful memories, but can they really be as or more painful as experiencing what happened when it happened?

I would say honestly, they can't be. I'm 99.99% convinced of that.[/quote[

Honestly, it hurts even more to think about them, because not only do I remember how it felt, I remember how fucked up it is and how sick it makes me feel to even think of it. I hate even going anywhere near those thoughts. They sicken me and I hate them and I don't want anything to do with them.

As ever though if you have anything at all, absolutely anything at all you need to get off your chest and feel you just can't do it here, PM me, just please do say as much about anything as you want. I'm not a therapist or a qualified head space analyst of any kind, just someone with an unexplainable knack of understanding people a lot of the time and I am unconditionally yours to harrass, badger and pester anytime at all, so don't ever be afraid to speak to me about absolutely anything, because I give you my word I ma not going to quit on you unless you quit on me .

Keep believing in yourself and keep on pushing for what you want, you're doing great right now and I AM!!!! PROUD OF YOU .

Thanks so much, Boss. You're an amazing person and I love you so much for everything you do. I wish I could give back somehow, but what am I supposed to do? You seem to never be down, or at least you never show it, are you sure you're human?? Haha. Thanks for EVERYTHING.

[Boss Man]

I totally get what you're saying and I'm not saying that just to appease you . I can only begin to imagine how much you must have known and felt. I can't say that having the attitude you have to people who use and abuse you, is entirely a sound choice, because they should never do that and to me would never earn forgiveness and I respect how you feel towards them even if I have concerns for such an approach to users and abusers.

I can't tell you you should give such people no respect or forgiveness, however their actions shouldn't necessarily make you bitter either, but there will always be people that don't like you, hence the users and abusers, so giving yourself the chance to be rid of some of what you feel, can always be a comeback at those people, by showing people their behaviour never hindered you as a person .

As for me, I don't always feel good about things, but I largely try to see the positive in most things. What I said to you is not a marshmellow thing , but something I felt at the time.

Though I know that cannot happen really, but if it could it would have been true .

Ultimately you need to do what is best for you, but I can't help thinking that you could improve your life so much, if you could find a way to overcome some or all of things you have had to know and feel and see thme differently in some way.

I hope that somehow you can, because I don't think you fully realise just how amazing you could become in the future and you are a very talented artist and a very intellectual person and it proves that you have value and ability and things to build foundations of your life with and you DO have a chance in life to progress and do well.

Keep on trying to make your weight issues change for the better. You ARE doing quite well and I AM PROUD OF YOU and I am sending you a BIG HUG because inspite of everything, you are human and I appreciate how much you want to change and feel like a more complete person, but I know it must be hard to challenge what made you who you are, because you fear knock-on effects occuring, that might make things worse for you.

I can't tell you what confronting fears, hurt and other things from your past would ultimately do in the short or long-term, but sometimes it may be necessary to take a leap of faith, in order to learn, grown and be stronger and better for it.

You certainly should NEVER have to be ashamed or embarrassed for who you are. There's no shame in ever admitting you've been used, abused and hurt in life and it shouldn't feel embarrassing to be that person either, because you're not someone who has repeatedly made mistakes, that impact badly on your life, you've just lived with things that you couldn't prevent or avoid largely and didn't know how to deal with, but like anyone, we are not born to know how to deal with, or cope with certain things, it's either through others guidance, or luck or trial and error, we learn as human beings.

Sometimes things seem instinctive, but that's just the way it is. Perhaps learning how to be happier, can only happen when you learn to win over some of the things that make you sad.

It's ultimately your life and your choices. You're smart enough to know how you think things should play out, but whatever happens, this site will always be somewhere for you to be a part of and to find the refuge of people that will never think less of you for being you.

You DO have the potential to be absolutely amazing, but when it's crunch time you are the main catalyst for that, not anyone or anything else .

GOOD LUCK .

[MissJenaKay]

As for me, I don't always feel good about things, but I largely try to see the positive in most things. What I said to you is not a marshmellow thing , but something I felt at the time.

Though I know that cannot happen really, but if it could it would have been true .

Aww, thanks, Boss. Also, you never know. I plan on studying for a year in England, so our paths may cross someday. Haha.

Ultimately you need to do what is best for you, but I can't help thinking that you could improve your life so much, if you could find a way to overcome some or all of things you have had to know and feel and see thme differently in some way.

I hope that somehow you can, because I don't think you fully realise just how amazing you could become in the future and you are a very talented artist and a very intellectual person and it proves that you have value and ability and things to build foundations of your life with and you DO have a chance in life to progress and do well.

Thanks, Boss.

I can't tell you what confronting fears, hurt and other things from your past would ultimately do in the short or long-term, but sometimes it may be necessary to take a leap of faith, in order to learn, grown and be stronger and better for it.

I don't take leaps of faith. I refuse to, because it never ends well for me. :/ Thanks for everything, Boss. As always, you say such nice and encouraging things. I really wish that I could just act on them, but I can't. I hold myself back and I know that it's my own fault.


In other news, I went to a party tonight, first one ever. Haha. I feel like such a goodie two shoes saying that. :p I don't drink, probably never will, so I don't have anything to regret. Other than the fact that I ate pretty much nothing all day today. And I didn't track any. However, I did do a lot of walking and I bought some disney plushies!!! c: c: Wheeeeee!!! I'm sure the women in the TWO separate disney stores I went into thought I was crazy. I got all giddy when the second store had Tod (the fox) because the first store only had Copper (the hound). THey were buy one get one free. Me and Jnna split the BOGO at the first store ad then we were actually on our way to a record store and I saw the second one and asked the girls I was with if I could check to see if they had Tod because he's my favorite and so we went in there and I squealed when I saw they had ONE TOD LEFT. SO I got him and Nemo. c: c: Day was instantly made. c: Anywho. . . I'm a nearly 19 year old that still squeals with joy over things in the Disney store. Today was a good day. c:

[Boss Man]

I don't take leaps of faith. I refuse to, because it never ends well for me. :/ Thanks for everything, Boss. As always, you say such nice and encouraging things. I really wish that I could just act on them, but I can't. I hold myself back and I know that it's my own fault.

You CAN take control though. You know you hold yourself back, so identifying the issue is the first step to solving the issue .

The thing is though, how much can you move forwards in life, if you just refuse to undertake certain potentially life enhancing things, if you always believe they will fail you?

By the law of averages, some things you do that you fear might be bittersweet and may initially seem good only to turn sour, could be things that don't have a sting in the tail.

I know it's a once bitten twice shy scenario, but if you have as much love as you proffess, even for those who have wronged you very badly in your past, then you must have enough love for yourself, unless you are giving too much to others at your own expense, in which case don't do that, because their lives won't dall apart if you choose to care a little less, to decde to stop giving anything to the wrongdoers and save it for yourself.

It's not wrong to feel like you do, but if it's preventing you in any way from moving forwards, thne that to me seems wrong and if you'e afraid some people will ike you less, then if it's the wrongdoers, then they never liked you that much anyway, to be such people to you, so losing what some of that shred of respect, they had for you wouldn't be such a hardship.

I don't like offending or hurting people, but some people in my past who took one or two liberties, mostly a few people from my schooldays, have long since largely been forgotten and I don't have any cause to mix with them anyway anymore.

They were just losers who only mixed with certain people. I think back and pity them, for being pathetic, flawed, inadequate people with underdeveloped emotional content and about as much backbone as a chicken.

They don't give me any sleepless nights and they were never people who made my life a living hell. I lived a normal upbringing with highs and a lows the same as many people do.

I admit though if I met one of them in the street and they still thought they could say a retarded thing, or push their luck a bit, I won't lie that I would be tempted after a while to punch someone like that, if they persisted in trying to be as pathetic as in days of old, though I don't provoke easily..

I ignored such behaviour and didn't do as I eluded to above back then, for fear of being punished by the school and letting my family down, not that they are harsh people, but they wouldn't have taken kindly, to me being disallowed to go back to school for a few days, because I clumped someone and most parents wouldn't take kindly either.

You may not wholely agree with how I feel about certain people and things, but it has not shaped in any way my reasoning or responses to your situation, because I don't seek to use an "I'd do X if I were you", approach to you, regards the people who let you down badly in life.

Moving on is something you MUST do to let yourself heal. To believe that certain positive steps cannot work out in any circumstances, is a hinderance, because they can for others and you're no different .

I wish I could take away the darkness inside of you and let more of your light shine, but I can't to a large extent. only you can, by choosing to let whichever people you feel can help you do that, have as much of your feelings and heart as they need, to help you move forwards.

Sooner or later you will have to increase the amount of people you are willing to trust, because not all people of authority, older age or status, are only interested in furthering themselves and not you.

Well educated proffessional people who work to help the mind or body, can sometimes be negligent or corrupt, but many are not and you can fear therapists, Doctors, mind coaches etc, all you like, but the vast majority don't want to make things worse, but to make things better.

Think of it as public speaking or stand-up comedy. Theoretically You get less nervous the more you do it.

So I know you could really feel bad, having to confront some very dark episodes in your past, or things that made you feel embarrassed, but the more you learn to change your relationship to those feelings in positive ways, the more you could improve your chances of changing yourself positively too.

I know you want to feel like it's self preservation. Care for all and risk little to nothing, but I believe you can change and can learn to overcome what you have felt and experienced before now.

I believe so much in you, and your potential to move on and I know you can move on more, even if you cannot yet see it for yourself .

If you ever feel the slightest inkling to tackle anything you fear to speak of head on, please, please don't hesitate to PM me and tell me how you are feeling or what you are regressing about .

I will ALWAYS be on your side sweetheart, ALWAYS .

BIG, BIG HUGS

I never promise anything to anyone, because I know there's that 0.1% chance it could be broken, but I can guarantee you that I want the best for you in life, though I know I can't guarantee to give you your deserved life back, the happier kind of life you have always deserved, but I've experienced enough of you and your commentary on your life and dreams and hopes and wishes to know, I can try my best to help you find more of the person you deserve to be and help you to overcome some of the things you have experienced in life and if you ever feel even a 0.1% urge to let me, don't hesitate to talk to me privately, because I'm not a mind coach, therapist, psychoanalyst or anything like that and I won't intentionally embarrass you or shame you, so please do talk to me if you can even feel the slightest compunction to talk about even 1% of the darkness in your past, you think you will never be able to deal with.

You're still talking to us here and still trying to make a difference to your life and not giving up on yourself and I want you to know, I'M VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU Jena and you should be too, because when you want to be, you really can be a little shining star and a beautiful one as well.

.

[MissJenaKay]

Today's totals

Calories - 1902
Exercise - 647
Net Calories - 1255
Fat - 97 (high oops)
Carbs - 180
Fibre - 12
Sugar - 79
Protein - 82
Sodium - 3775

(I blame the high fat and sodium on the fact that I had hotdogs wrapped in croissants for dinner. My roommie made them and told me to eat some. Lol)

I know it's a once bitten twice shy scenario, but if you have as much love as you profess, even for those who have wronged you very badly in your past, then you must have enough love for yourself, unless you are giving too much to others at your own expense, in which case don't do that, because their lives won't fall apart if you choose to care a little less, to decide to stop giving anything to the wrongdoers and save it for yourself.

I generally hate myself. I would much rather be the person to get hurt if it makes someone feel better or happier.

Moving on is something you MUST do to let yourself heal. To believe that certain positive steps cannot work out in any circumstances, is a hinderance, because they can for others and you're no different .

I don't like to take risks, I refuse to get into something without at least having a little bit of an idea of how it's going to go. That's why I don't try to meet new people, that's why I don't tell people when I have feelings for them, that's why I don't treat people badly, and most of all, that's why I'm not open with people.

Sooner or later you will have to increase the amount of people you are willing to trust, because not all people of authority, older age or status, are only interested in furthering themselves and not you.

Well educated proffessional people who work to help the mind or body, can sometimes be negligent or corrupt, but many are not and you can fear therapists, Doctors, mind coaches etc, all you like, but the vast majority don't want to make things worse, but to make things better.

Think of it as public speaking or stand-up comedy. Theoretically You get less nervous the more you do it.

Bahahaha, no, it doesn't get any easier. I'm still just as nervous about talking to people, making phone-calls all that as I have ever been. xD

So I know you could really feel bad, having to confront some very dark episodes in your past, or things that made you feel embarrassed, but the more you learn to change your relationship to those feelings in positive ways, the more you could improve your chances of changing yourself positively too.

I know you want to feel like it's self preservation. Care for all and risk little to nothing, but I believe you can change and can learn to overcome what you have felt and experienced before now.

I believe so much in you, and your potential to move on and I know you can move on more, even if you cannot yet see it for yourself .

If you ever feel the slightest inkling to tackle anything you fear to speak of head on, please, please don't hesitate to PM me and tell me how you are feeling or what you are regressing about .

I will ALWAYS be on your side sweetheart, ALWAYS .

Thanks, Boss, I really wish I could work on the things that I don't like, the things I know are holding me back. But I really don't want to. I really hate feeling afraid and/or nervous so I avoid the feelings at all costs. I don't feel like stepping outside my comforts is going to help at all.... I don't see how forcing myself to work through and think about the things that I never want to think about could help.

I never promise anything to anyone, because I know there's that 0.1% chance it could be broken, but I can guarantee you that I want the best for you in life, though I know I can't guarantee to give you your deserved life back, the happier kind of life you have always deserved, but I've experienced enough of you and your commentary on your life and dreams and hopes and wishes to know, I can try my best to help you find more of the person you deserve to be and help you to overcome some of the things you have experienced in life and if you ever feel even a 0.1% urge to let me, don't hesitate to talk to me privately, because I'm not a mind coach, therapist, psychoanalyst or anything like that and I won't intentionally embarrass you or shame you, so please do talk to me if you can even feel the slightest compunction to talk about even 1% of the darkness in your past, you think you will never be able to deal with.

Thanks for the offer, Boss.

You're still talking to us here and still trying to make a difference to your life and not giving up on yourself and I want you to know, I'M VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU Jena and you should be too, because when you want to be, you really can be a little shining star and a beautiful one as well.

.

So I'm a star?? That's news to me. Thanks again, you always take so much time to respond and I greatly appreciate that and every single word that you write to me.

[MissJenaKay]

No, sir, didn't come across as an earful. Thanks for following along. I thought you had given up or something... Good to know I didn't make you hate me. Haha. :p

As for keeping track of absolutes, I'm not sure that I will remember to, but I will try. I prefer to say I can't when I've tried and I literally cannot get myself to do whatever it is, whether it be because of fear or whatever. Because it FEELS like it's impossible. And so long as something feels impossible, isn't it pretty much impossible?? That is how it seems to me in life, anyway. Oh well, I will try to be more aware of absolutes.

[Boss Man]

I really wish I could work on the things that I don't like, the things I know are holding me back. But I really don't want to. I really hate feeling afraid and/or nervous so I avoid the feelings at all costs. I don't feel like stepping outside my comforts is going to help at all.... I don't see how forcing myself to work through and think about the things that I never want to think about could help.

Feeling nervous about anything is a normal human response, but once that step is taken and you proffess just one little deeply dark thing to someone, you'll have done it. If you do that, you can let the other person be able to take the chance and reach back to you and communicate with you about it in a way you deserve to.

You speak of this word "can't" and say I've tried so I can't, but often people who use the word can't regarding something, believe they have tried all things, when often they have tried everything they know or can think of, which is not always the same thing as every possible mode of attack in a situation.

Example. You try to reach for a cup on a high shelf, so you try 3 or 4 times to reach on tip toes and can't reach. What do you do? Say I can't reach that and get someone else?

What if someone else was not available because you were on your own? Would you use something else as a makeshift drinks recepticle like a bowl, or if you initially chose not to drink water, revert to water using cupped hands?

What about trying to gett the cup with a pair of stepladders, or a small chair, or possibly if you had one handy, a fishing net, or a small grabber, the kind of thing you use for picking up litter and grab the handle, or maybe the bent end of a hockey stick, through the cup handle, to get the cup down.

The latter olptions migth be necessary if you had a chair that was too small and no Ladders, but the person who had no available help and an inadequate chair to use, might revert to either using cupped hands to drink, or just not bother to drink at all.

If you struggle to meet people, like you see someone in a corridor, but can never talk to them, why not use a bulletin board to post a post-it note, like for example Jena Kay would like to invite "person X", to "location Y" at "Z time of the day", to get to know you better. if you can, please write yes or something similar undeneath, to let me know. Thank you "smiley face".

You might waste your time, but maybe the person wouldn't come, because they didn't notice the message, or it fell off and got binned, or they just forgot, rather than having no intention of a rendezvous with you anytime, anywhere. So would you then see their no show as an automatic I don't want to meet he anywhere anytime period?

Regards my initial comments, you may not see how confronting fears or dark parts of your past may help, but that's part of learning; it's part of life.

There's plenty of ways in which something can help a situation, but logic dictates if someone can't see how something can benefit a given situation, they would at least want to know.

If you tried to consider the idea of working through some of your past, you could then ask, why will this help me, instead of saying I don't think it will help me so I won't do it.

Instead of saying something like, I don't want to understand what working through old stuff might do; If you were able to try and understand or rationalise better, what working through old feelings might do for you in a positve way, logically you might be more amenable to it .

You have a right to know what a happier life is life, but until you start to question the validity of trying to overcome past feelings and hurt, you can't even begin to do what you deserve to do, which is to get over them and therefore you will limt any future happiness you can have.

I know you'd be taking a big risk to talk about what you have known and felt, but believe me, some people live with a life of darkness for a long time. You're not living with constant and negative experiences like that, just memories of those experiences. So you're not living in a poisoned chalice existance, where the same pain and fear exists every day, you live with that pain and fear, but now they're mostly memories, not real life day to day stuff like they are for some.

So now you are to some extent free of those things, because you remember them, but aren't in the middle of those feelings anymore and as a result, you now have to find them to feel them, they don't find you.

This is a small break in the connection to those feelings, which is a small step to overcoming them. If you said I'm in constant fear every day of x,y,z then it would be harder to get over them.

You are an "I don't want x,y,z to happen again, so I won't risk letting them happen again" person now, so now you are consciously making a choice to avoid the fear and hurt you once knew, the fear and hurt don't try to prevent you making that choice.

So now you are partly free of what you used to feel, you have a choice to begin to reject them, or change your view of things that happened and step further away from those feelings.

Perhaps now you can understand better why taking that leap of faith and talking about certain things, can be a more fruitful decision, because if you're not living in the midst of fear and hurt, those things can't control you like they once did for a time. You can learn to control them more and take back more of the life you deserve, but were denied for several years .

Maybe just maybe things can work out for you. Just live with that though instead of automatically thinking they can never work out for you. Let yourself at least believe that even if you only feel it 0.1%. Ther's no harm in belieiving, that overcoming things you have known and felt in your past might be possible is there?

.

[MissJenaKay]

Well, Brent, I've proven myself wrong. Boss knows what I'm talking about. I shared a little with him, and I can't say that 'm glad I did. But I did. I feel sick and I'm shaking and I'm crying and I hate myself for it right now, but I hope the feeling will go away as it did with coming out to my parents.

In other news, since I'm not in the mood to write much right now, here are my totals.

Calories - 1460
Fat - 62
Carbs - 177
Fibre - 7
Sugar - 81
Protein - 55
Sodium - 2511

[MissJenaKay]

Well, I've not been posting on here much, but I have been keeping track of what I eat and I want to try to get back into posting everyday.

Here's yesterday's totals

Calories - 1547
Exercise - 648
Net Calories - 899
Fat - 58
Carbs - 173
Fibre - 10
Sugar - 47
Protein - 93
Sodium - 2923

[MissJenaKay]

Hello everyone. I weighed myself recently (I can't remember what day. LOL. I think it was yesterday, but it could have been thursday, wednesday or monday....) and I've lost another pound! My weightloss running total is now 13.4 pounds! c:

Today's Totals
Calories - 1868
Exercise - 567
Net Calories - 1301
Fat - 130 (holy cow...)
Carbs - 106
Fibre - 11
Sugar - 28
Protein - 84
Sodium - 3555

[musculArgirl2]

My weightloss running total is now 13.4 pounds! c:

Nice!!

[MissJenaKay]

Thanks, Becky! c:

In other news, I just realised why my fat intake was so high yesterday, I made my peanut butter protein fudge. It's made with margarine, low fat cream cheese, peanut butter, no calorie sweetener and whey protein powder. I had about 6 pieces throughout the day yesterday. Lol. So I guess it spiked my fat intake from the peanut butter and margarine.