Boss Man wrote:If it were even possible, I'd be going with you to an appointment and being someone who could hold your hand and make you feel it was okay to challenge the demons and speak out against them .
If I could be in the same room as you at some point, like a student rooms or something like that, I would be and giving you such a massive hug and if you wanted to do that for a whole hour, I'd let you, just so you could have a massive release, cry all you wanted and feel a lot of warmth you've probably never known too often, just to let you feel something you could potentially experience in the future, by perhaps learning to confront and / or letting go of some of the demons and pain from your past .
Boss Man wrote:People don't have to conform in certain ways no, nor should they be forced too, but where with someone who is Bipolar, they must live with what they are, because it cannot be cured, just managed, you would have more of a chance to be relieved of your problems to some extent, by letting yourself confront the things you fear to speak of.
The fear you have as you say, is that letting these things loose could make things worse, which I was right to elude to in my previous post, and make others see you for less than they do now.
You would then find out however, who the real people were, that could see you for the person you are, which is the innocent party in the incidences you have witnessed and felt first hand, not someone who is not safe to be around or dangerous to know .
People who thought that, would prove to be people that were fake and drag you down and hold you back and a true person would understand and see you as you the innocent party you have been in your life .
Boss Man wrote:You could stay being the person you are and live with that darkness you have harboured deep down inside for a lifetime, or you could be such a wonderfully brave person and tell someone, whoever that is, whether it's me, a therapist or anyone, just how deep some of the darkness extends and the scars go .
Boss Man wrote:Are you never curious to know, if true happiness is a pursuit that is worthy of your time and attention, or do you believe true happiness is something you are not allowed to know, as if for some reason you have been born to be punished, so that somewhere in the world someone else can have a joyous life and thus the earth has a harmony of sorts, I.E. for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Boss Man wrote:You are what you are now, but is trying to change conforming to others wishes, or merely you suddenly having an epiphany about how you CAN control more of your life.
The thing you were forced to do about coming out, wasn't pleasant, but how would you have felt if you'd taken the step without being stressed, pressured or harassed into it, if you had been so courageous and thought screw it I'm going to say something?
Do you still think in all honesty, you would have felt as badly as you say you did after the event, had you been brave enough to do it without any outside influences?
Boss Man wrote:I completely understand your fears, I really do and I know it must seem hard to think that if you speak of the real darkness inside of you it will make things worse and cause people to think you're damaged goods, or evil or broekn beyond repair, but those are the fakes and the real people like me, will never think less of you for being you, because you're not to blame for why you are like you are .
I would NEVER push, coerce or pressure you into anything and I would never blame you for anything you do, just like I've never blamed or admonished you for your occasional outbursts at me, because I don't see someone disrespecting me or looking like a brat, I see someone confused, scared and a maelstrom of emotions doing whatever feels natural in the moment or whatever emotions seem to happen just then.
I know you have never said anything on here that looked angry to try and hurt me or punish me for opening my inner self to you unconditionally and I never will think less of you for some things you say, because I know deep down it's you "in a moment", or you fighting against urges to say something different, to what you just feel you simply cannot say.
Boss Man wrote:Think about how much you've experienced before, than think about how bad could it be to confront those things again to try and overcome them. Yes painful memories, but can they really be as or more painful as experiencing what happened when it happened?
I would say honestly, they can't be. I'm 99.99% convinced of that.[/quote[
Honestly, it hurts even more to think about them, because not only do I remember how it felt, I remember how fucked up it is and how sick it makes me feel to even think of it. I hate even going anywhere near those thoughts. They sicken me and I hate them and I don't want anything to do with them.Boss Man wrote:As ever though if you have anything at all, absolutely anything at all you need to get off your chest and feel you just can't do it here, PM me, just please do say as much about anything as you want. I'm not a therapist or a qualified head space analyst of any kind, just someone with an unexplainable knack of understanding people a lot of the time and I am unconditionally yours to harrass, badger and pester anytime at all, so don't ever be afraid to speak to me about absolutely anything, because I give you my word I ma not going to quit on you unless you quit on me .
Keep believing in yourself and keep on pushing for what you want, you're doing great right now and I AM!!!! PROUD OF YOU .
Boss Man wrote:As for me, I don't always feel good about things, but I largely try to see the positive in most things. What I said to you is not a marshmellow thing , but something I felt at the time.
Though I know that cannot happen really, but if it could it would have been true .
Boss Man wrote:Ultimately you need to do what is best for you, but I can't help thinking that you could improve your life so much, if you could find a way to overcome some or all of things you have had to know and feel and see thme differently in some way.
I hope that somehow you can, because I don't think you fully realise just how amazing you could become in the future and you are a very talented artist and a very intellectual person and it proves that you have value and ability and things to build foundations of your life with and you DO have a chance in life to progress and do well.
Boss Man wrote:I can't tell you what confronting fears, hurt and other things from your past would ultimately do in the short or long-term, but sometimes it may be necessary to take a leap of faith, in order to learn, grown and be stronger and better for it.
MissJenaKay wrote:I don't take leaps of faith. I refuse to, because it never ends well for me. :/ Thanks for everything, Boss. As always, you say such nice and encouraging things. I really wish that I could just act on them, but I can't. I hold myself back and I know that it's my own fault.
Boss Man wrote:I know it's a once bitten twice shy scenario, but if you have as much love as you profess, even for those who have wronged you very badly in your past, then you must have enough love for yourself, unless you are giving too much to others at your own expense, in which case don't do that, because their lives won't fall apart if you choose to care a little less, to decide to stop giving anything to the wrongdoers and save it for yourself.
Boss Man wrote:Moving on is something you MUST do to let yourself heal. To believe that certain positive steps cannot work out in any circumstances, is a hinderance, because they can for others and you're no different .
Boss Man wrote:Sooner or later you will have to increase the amount of people you are willing to trust, because not all people of authority, older age or status, are only interested in furthering themselves and not you.
Well educated proffessional people who work to help the mind or body, can sometimes be negligent or corrupt, but many are not and you can fear therapists, Doctors, mind coaches etc, all you like, but the vast majority don't want to make things worse, but to make things better.
Think of it as public speaking or stand-up comedy. Theoretically You get less nervous the more you do it.
Boss Man wrote:So I know you could really feel bad, having to confront some very dark episodes in your past, or things that made you feel embarrassed, but the more you learn to change your relationship to those feelings in positive ways, the more you could improve your chances of changing yourself positively too.
I know you want to feel like it's self preservation. Care for all and risk little to nothing, but I believe you can change and can learn to overcome what you have felt and experienced before now.
I believe so much in you, and your potential to move on and I know you can move on more, even if you cannot yet see it for yourself .
If you ever feel the slightest inkling to tackle anything you fear to speak of head on, please, please don't hesitate to PM me and tell me how you are feeling or what you are regressing about .
I will ALWAYS be on your side sweetheart, ALWAYS .
Boss Man wrote:I never promise anything to anyone, because I know there's that 0.1% chance it could be broken, but I can guarantee you that I want the best for you in life, though I know I can't guarantee to give you your deserved life back, the happier kind of life you have always deserved, but I've experienced enough of you and your commentary on your life and dreams and hopes and wishes to know, I can try my best to help you find more of the person you deserve to be and help you to overcome some of the things you have experienced in life and if you ever feel even a 0.1% urge to let me, don't hesitate to talk to me privately, because I'm not a mind coach, therapist, psychoanalyst or anything like that and I won't intentionally embarrass you or shame you, so please do talk to me if you can even feel the slightest compunction to talk about even 1% of the darkness in your past, you think you will never be able to deal with.
Boss Man wrote:You're still talking to us here and still trying to make a difference to your life and not giving up on yourself and I want you to know, I'M VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU Jena and you should be too, because when you want to be, you really can be a little shining star and a beautiful one as well.
MissJenaKay wrote: I really wish I could work on the things that I don't like, the things I know are holding me back. But I really don't want to. I really hate feeling afraid and/or nervous so I avoid the feelings at all costs. I don't feel like stepping outside my comforts is going to help at all.... I don't see how forcing myself to work through and think about the things that I never want to think about could help.
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