Jena's Journal.

[MissJenaKay]

Thanks, Becky! c:

[Boss Man]

WELL DONE. I'm really proud of you, so keep your chin up, keep pushing and GOOD LUCK.

[MissJenaKay]

Even though I haven't been eating terribly well the past week, I haven't gained nor lost.

I've seen the new Footloose film twice now and it makes me wish I could do dance classes or something. I really love watching dancing and I think it would be such a fun way to get a workout.

Sorry for this pathetic little update guys, I've been really stressed out and busy lately.

[Boss Man]

You've no need to apologise for anything .

You're only human so give yourself a break .

[MissJenaKay]

I got my tutoring job back, however, I'm working an hour less so far this year which makes me sad, because I need to earn as much as possible. I'm thinking of looking for some occasional babysitting work or something.

On the eating front, I've noticed this year, that I've been indulging myself in sweets a little too often because it makes me feel better for a while if I have a little sugar spike while doing work that I'm stressed out about. I've got so much on my plate and I feel like I never get any of it done. I've been on the verge of tears for about an hour now and I feel like self-harming, but I promised a friend that I care about very much that I wouldn't do it anymore. And I'm really regretting that promise.... I can't cry, I can't cut, I can't do anything to make myself feel okay. I feel like I'm drowning and there's nothing I can do to save myself. I hate when I feel like this and I hate talking about it because it makes me feel like people are going to think I just want attention. And stupidly enough, that is partially true, because if I can keep myself occupied with someone else, I don't have to worry about the shit that is going on.... I desperately want to be happy and feel okay just because I can, I don't want to pretend to be happy and okay anymore. But there's nothing I can do it seems. Nothing I try works.

Fuck it.

[musculArgirl2]

got my tutoring job back, however, I'm working an hour less so far this year which makes me sad, because I need to earn as much as possible. I'm thinking of looking for some occasional babysitting work or something.

On the eating front, I've noticed this year, that I've been indulging myself in sweets a little too often because it makes me feel better for a while if I have a little sugar spike while doing work that I'm stressed out about. I've got so much on my plate and I feel like I never get any of it done. I've been on the verge of tears for about an hour now and I feel like self-harming, but I promised a friend that I care about very much that I wouldn't do it anymore. And I'm really regretting that promise.... I can't cry, I can't cut, I can't do anything to make myself feel okay. I feel like I'm drowning and there's nothing I can do to save myself. I hate when I feel like this and I hate talking about it because it makes me feel like people are going to think I just want attention. And stupidly enough, that is partially true, because if I can keep myself occupied with someone else, I don't have to worry about the shit that is going on.... I desperately want to be happy and feel okay just because I can, I don't want to pretend to be happy and okay anymore. But there's nothing I can do it seems. Nothing I try works.

Fuck it.

Your not alone Jena we all go through things that are tough and painful. Cutting yourself is harming yourself when your emotions are raw. You would regret it down the road. You've got a lot going for you just try and remember that. Hope you feel better soon.

[Nokie173]

I agree. You’re not alone. My fiancé was also a cutter but we worked things through and he is very happy he saw a positive side of life. Being optimistic will help you find a better and peaceful path. However, I know there will be times we all get negative but being pessimistic makes it harder to pick yourself up. We do tend to be hard on ourselves but give yourself a break and love yourself for being you! I know it’s corny and I know it’s online… but I hope you can see YOU are a BEAUTIFUL person and you have to keep that in mind.

[Boss Man]

Jena, you have ALWAYS been worth it sweetheart. I think when you want to be you can be amazing and beautiful. That person exists inside of you and every now and again we get to see some of that person.

Someone who is artistic, intelligent, human, funny, caring, shiny, quirky / different in a really unique and good way and someone that possesses the qualities of a proper Lady.

You are capable of being that person when you allow yourself to be and I am so proud of you for being who you are now and trying hard to look after yourself, be honest and decent and persue your education.

I know it's never going to be eass, because of things you have experienced in life, that have shaped you in sometimes negative ways, but no matter what happens, the time you spend trying to improve yourself, physically, mentally an emotionally, will always be worth it, because you ARE worth it.

It might not seem like it now, but I believe 10,000% that life WILL get a bit easier for you in the future, once you can finish your education and start to persue your goals and dreams in life.

Skully, (Amna), was like tyou not so long back. Struggling to believe in herself, self loathing, hating her life, but you know how she's turmed out and that could be you too. someone that comes through the other side and finds more of the happiness they deserve to feel, know and experience.

Don't give up on that, because people like me won't give up on you or the future we believe might happen for you.

Your human capabilities are something to be proud of and you can be such a sweetheart sometimes and just touch people like me and I am proud of you and I want you to get more from life and if you allow yourself the chance(s), in life to find more of what you deserve, then anything more likely to happen .

BIG HUGS and best wishes to you.

[MissJenaKay]

Your not alone Jena we all go through things that are tough and painful. Cutting yourself is harming yourself when your emotions are raw. You would regret it down the road. You've got a lot going for you just try and remember that. Hope you feel better soon.

I never regret cutting, I regret that it makes people upset, that is the only reason I don't just do it.

I agree. You’re not alone. My fianceé was also a cutter but we worked things through and he is very happy he saw a positive side of life. Being optimistic will help you find a better and peaceful path. However, I know there will be times we all get negative but being pessimistic makes it harder to pick yourself up. We do tend to be hard on ourselves but give yourself a break and love yourself for being you! I know it’s corny and I know it’s online… but I hope you can see YOU are a BEAUTIFUL person and you have to keep that in mind.

Optimism is what gets me into these messes most of the time. I get my hopes up that things are going to work and then they don't and it depresses me and then I get all stressed out. So, I figure that if the end result is the same, why not just be pessimistic, that way, when things do work out, it's a pleasant surprise and when things don't, it's not nearly as disappointing or hurtful.

You know what's painful?

Running.

Instead of cutting yourself to cause some pain, how about lacing up the sneakers and going for a run? It releases endorphins, which will make you feel better; it will help you lose weight, which will help you feel better; it will give you something to do other than eat, which will help you feel better; and it will get your mind off of whatever else is bothering you. Plus, it hurts, which is what you seem to be going for anyway.

Win-win.

I don't cut for pain. I cut because it's nice and calm and it just numbs you out. Cutting doesn't even hurt, it just feels warm and safe. Running would do the opposite of make me feel better, it just pisses me off. Besides, when I'm depressed to the point of cutting, it's around 10 or 11pm. I'm not okay with going out for a run that late, it's not safe. Especially considering there has been three sexual assaults in the area in which I live in the past 7 weeks.

Jena, you have ALWAYS been worth it sweetheart. I think when you want to be you can be amazing and beautiful. That person exists inside of you and every now and again we get to see some of that person.

Someone who is artistic, intelligent, human, funny, caring, shiny, quirky / different in a really unique and good way and someone that possesses the qualities of a proper Lady.

You are capable of being that person when you allow yourself to be and I am so proud of you for being who you are now and trying hard to look after yourself, be honest and decent and persue your education.

I know it's never going to be easy, because of things you have experienced in life, that have shaped you in sometimes negative ways, but no matter what happens, the time you spend trying to improve yourself, physically, mentally an emotionally, will always be worth it, because you ARE worth it.

It might not seem like it now, but I believe 10,000% that life WILL get a bit easier for you in the future, once you can finish your education and start to pursue your goals and dreams in life.

Skully, (Amna), was like you not so long back. Struggling to believe in herself, self loathing, hating her life, but you know how she's turned out and that could be you too. someone that comes through the other side and finds more of the happiness they deserve to feel, know and experience.

Don't give up on that, because people like me won't give up on you or the future we believe might happen for you.

Your human capabilities are something to be proud of and you can be such a sweetheart sometimes and just touch people like me and I am proud of you and I want you to get more from life and if you allow yourself the chance(s), in life to find more of what you deserve, then anything more likely to happen .

BIG HUGS and best wishes to you.

Thanks Boss, but I don't see what you see and I don't think I ever will. By the way, why did you call me shiny?? What does that even mean?? Don't give up on it? Too late, I gave up years ago. I think the only reason I stick around is because I desperately want to be proven wrong about how miserable life is. But I just continue to be proven right. I'm not fully understanding your comment starting with "Your human capabilities..." maybe it's he wording, but I'm unsure as to what you are saying.

Sorry for being a completely depressing brat, I really should learn to not talk about these kinds of things. It's easier that way.

[musculArgirl2]

Just hang in there Jena. I think you've said you are bipolar before. maybe you could talk to your doctor about meds and such? I don't know if need to take meds or if you don't but just giving it as a suggestion. Meds can suck but they can also really help people. I know it would be hard adjusting to meds though with school and such.

We are here for your support. I feel bad you are going through a tough time. Hope you feel better soon.

[MissJenaKay]

Just hang in there Jena. I think you've said you are bipolar before. maybe you could talk to your doctor about meds and such? I don't know if need to take meds or if you don't but just giving it as a suggestion. Meds can suck but they can also really help people. I know it would be hard adjusting to meds though with school and such.

We are here for your support. I feel bad you are going through a tough time. Hope you feel better soon.

I uused to be on medication. A LOT of it. It did nothing for my moods, but it made me gain 35 pounds in about 7 weeks. It also made me completely lose my appetite, which I still don't really have back, I don't get hungry, so I just eat if I remember to, the only time I get hungry is if I realise that I haven't eaten for an entire day or two. Besides, as of late, I've been terrible about remembering to even take my daily vitamin let alone take medication for other things. I don't have a doctor out here, either, and I'm refusing to go back into therapy because that was a waste of time.

[musculArgirl2]

I've gained weight on my med too unforuntately. But i still don't regret going on it at all even with the crappy side effects. It's been a life safer for me. I'm not bipolar though. I have another health issue. I forget to take my med too. That's why i have a pill box. I still forget to take it sometimes even then.

Wish you the best Jena. Keep the faith it will work out. I've been very very down before i know how you feel. I think a lot of people know how you feel. Keep the faith. (for me with keep the faith i mean faith in God which has helped me in my down times if you believe or even just faith in a better life if your not in to religion. A better life is out there! )

[Boss Man]

By shiny, I meant you have the ability to shine.

By "human capabilities", I mean the qualities you possess inside. What your head and heart are able to allow you to do as a person .

[MissJenaKay]

Quick update:

I'm alive (barely) I'm so stressed out and eating terribly and not working out like I should, but I've only gained 2 pounds in the past month. I really need to get my life on track, but I'm struggling to find the time and the funds. I'm so stressed out... :c I've also been having a really sore back pretty often. :c Blegh.

[musculArgirl2]

You've been doing so good Jena. We both can't let stuff interfere with our goals!!!

Hope you feel better.