Starting Fresh :3

[MissJenaKay]

Boss: thanks for your always kind and supportive words, even if they are a little bit embarrassing sometimes ;P. I know that I CAN do these things and I want to be able to do these things and I know I just keep offering up excuse after excuse as to why I'm by doing them, it's just that food is always a struggle.

I've noticed that days that I keep consistent track of what I'm eating, I start feeling so incredibly guilty about having eaten at all. And I know that sounds absurd and in head I KNOW that I need to eat properly and enough, but whenever I see that I've gone over 1200 calories, for some reason, I just start to panic and I get so upset with myself for having eaten so much. Yet on days that I pay less attention to the numbers and just eat when I feel hungry and indulge in the little cravings and stuff, I generally feel much less stressed out about it. I know that it's likely not doing me any favors on the days where I just say "screw it, not gonna track it today" because I know that I'm probably overeating or just eating really low quality foods. But on those days, I obsess less.

I've come to realize as I've gotten older, I am an extremely critical perfectionist and I've somehow gained the mentality that if I can't do it perfectly, then I don't want to do it at all. For example, I know that I can just toss active clothes on and go for a walk or a jog in neighborhood for some exercise, but I dont. Because some part of me still feels like I should be going to a gym instead and having a routine and such. And I know that, logically, any physical activity is better than just sitting at kitchen table studying or writing or lying in bed reading or whatever and worst of all is when I'm on computer and I've been bored for an hot but I still don't get up and go for te jog because I've somehow cooked up an excuse for myself not to because it wouldn't be the perfect workout conditions. Which as of late, it has been all too easy for me to brush off a chance to workout because I've dyed hair back red and I don't want to have to wash hair after working out. (Yes, I know, sounds dumb, but when I spend $40 and several hours dying hair, I want it to last as long as possible which means washing it as infrequently as possible.)

But, all in all, I just need to find motivation. I like the idea of buying myself something a few sizes too small, but at the same time, I never dare to because A) what if I decide I don't like that item when I'm finally small enough to wear it. And B) I don't exactly have a lot of money to spend on things I don't actually NEED. (Perfect example, there's a beautiful dress at work that I really want but refuse to let myself but because I know I won't wear it because I can't wear dresses to work and when I'm not at work, I never take the time to actually get dressed. jeans and a shirt are pretty much it for me)

I know I'm just again making excuses instead of making changes, but I guess right at this moment, maybe I'm just not ready to make all the changes that I want to or need to in order to succeed in fitness and such. As much as I want it, I must not want it enough because I'm not putting in the effort that I need to.

I'm working on trying to straighten out the most pressing matters in life, but they don't really seem to be progressing. I'll get it sorted relatively soon, I hope.

[Boss Man]

I appreciate Jena, that certain things may be based on perfectionism, or feeling like you need reverse psychology to motivate yourself to do certain things, that are necessary and beneficial to your life, but I also believe you DO have what it takes to find the strength and motivation, to get on top of these things that you are not on top of yet, because I believe you do have that strength and motivation and I'm sure in time you'll learn how to find it and harness it .

You are capable of more than you realise you've made it this far in life with the achievements you had had, despite the negative feelings and experiences you have had in the past and I'm proud of you for it and you should be too and I'm convinced that in the future you'll get where you want to be physically and you'll find the way(s) to do it.

You just need to get over the stuff about not running, because it's not as good as being in a gym, or getting over the stuff about getting the calories right being a more stressing thing, than potentially getting it wrong because you're less stressed, not keeping on top of it.

I am certain you'll find a way to overcome these things and as for the thing you buy that you wouldn't want to wear when your slimmer and it's not about buying something that costs a kings ransom, but you might find you would want to wear it when you're slimmer and if not, worst case scenario you might be able to sell to a clothes buying store, if there are such things in the US like the equivalent of a Cash 4 Clothes shop, as then you'd still get some of the original money back.

You'll do this, I am certain of it, so just keep believing, keep trying and even if I may sound a little embarrassing now and then, I don't care, because if it makes any sort of positive difference to you, then it's worth it .

Incidentally why can't you wear dresses to work, is it a self imposed rule, or does it flout some kind of work regulations?

BIG HUGS and best wishes .

[MissJenaKay]

I'm posting from phone so I'm not gonna write the full day out like I normally would but I'll post totals for right now and I'll edit it tomorrow if I feel like it. :p

TOTALS:
Calories 1550
Fat 66
Carbs 218
Sugar 88
Protein 59

Boss: the reason I can't wear dresses to work is mostly a self-imposed rule because I spend a lot of shifts bending, kneeling, lifting/moving fixtures and I'm up and down ladders quite frequently, so it wouldn't exactly be a good idea. I also them wouldn't have pockets to keep phone in so I wouldn't be able to keep track of time or even bring phone at all since I wouldn't have a safe place to put it and that's not good because I don't drive and need to be able to contact mother if hours are extended or cut and such since she drops me off and picks me up from work.

[Boss Man]

Okay fair enough .

The other option I suppose would be to wear a dress over the jeans. It might be a quirky interesting look

[MissJenaKay]

Been a couple days, I've been tracking food, just not had time to put it up here. Good news is that I haven't had a single day below 1300 calories the whole time, and I haven't had a vastly overeating day either. Well, until today it seems. Haha. Jellybeans are nemesis, but hey, it's Easter, right? Well, I didn't even overeat that bad really...

Breakfast:
Coffee with creamer and truvia

Lunch:
About 3/4 of a bag of starburst jelly beans (I was munching on them while I studied Japanese and next thing I knew they were.... pretty much goone, whoops)

Dinner:
Grilled Turkey Breast
Mashed Potatoes with a little butter
Peas

Evening:
A big glass of milk

WORKOUT:
30min playing a game called Just Dance, I earned 2000 sweat points, for whatever that's worth. lol. I burned about 240 Calories

TOTALS
Calories 2134
Fat 50
Carbs 336
Sugar 254
Protein 59

[Boss Man]

Good job on the calories the last few days, I'm proud of you. Keep it up .

[MissJenaKay]

So, it seems that I can only manage to remember to update you guys here every few days, Sorry! I've been stupidly busy lately, but I've been doing pretty well with eating I think.

TODAY

Breakfast:
An onion bagel with butter and cream cheese
Coffee with creamer

Lunch:
Coffee with Creamer

Dinner:
Cottage pie with sour cream

Evening:
A banana

TOTALS
Calories 1421
Fat 60
Carbs 145
Sugar 68
Protein 52

Today at work, I spent whole shift fixing the backroom, so I'm sufficiently tired. Lol. That much lifting shelves and rearranging fixtures is a major workout, haha.

[Boss Man]

I'll politely decline the apology Jena, because you've never needed to apologise to me for anything and I don't think you will ever need to .

[MissJenaKay]

I'm going to post both yesterday and today's food journals today since I forgot to yesterday. Whoops.

YESTERDAY (10/04)

Breakfast:
Coffee with creamer and truvia

Morning Break:
Light and Fit Straberry Cheesecake yogurt

Lunch:
A chicken and swiss cheese sandwich
A mixed fruit cup
some spinach artichoke hummus and pretzels

Dinner:
Spaghetti with meat sauce, sour cream, and parmesan cheese
a piece of bread with butter

Evening:
A mixed fruit cup

TOTALS
Calories 1346
Fat 51
Carbs 166
Fiber 16
Sugar 77
Protein 54

[MissJenaKay]

TODAY (so far)

Breakfast:
Coffee with creamer and truvia

Lunch:
Coffee with creamer and truvia
an apple

TOTALS
Calories 212
Fat 6
Carbs 39
Fiber 3
Sugar 34
Protein 0

Annnd, I forgot to track the rest of day that day. whoops

[MissJenaKay]

Hey guys, been ridiculously busy lately with work and studying and working on short film (still in preproduction phases) so I haven't even really been thinking at all about eating in terms of tracking it. I know I likely have been undereating, but I'm trying. I have an overnight at another store tonight, so I'm sure eating is going to be all sorts of weird.

Today:

Breakfast:
Cup of coffee with creamer and truvia
An everything bagel with cream cheese

Lunch:
An apple and a caprisun

Dinner:
Homemade Goulash with sour cream

TOTALS
Calories 1459
Fat 50
Carbs 172
Fiber 26
Sugar 59
Protein 82

[Boss Man]

You did pretty well according to your last entry and that's a plus point, that you have to a large extent arrested the recent issues with eating you'd had for a few days before that.

I appreciate it is still a challenge trying to be that 1,800 or 2,000 or 2,200 calorie a day person every day, but I do believe you can get there and I think you will find a way to make it happen.

You just need to be strong, keep believing in your goals and believing in your own self worth because you ARE worth it Jena and you DO matter.

So don't let that overnight thing get you down. If you plan it properly, you CAN get it all sussed and realise that you can get the eating nailed when you have the overnighters.

Trust yourself to get the food planning right and you might surprise yourself .

BIG HUGS and best wishes sweetheart.

You CAN do this .

[MissJenaKay]

So, I've been slacking lately (I gained 3lbs) and I have no excuse for it, I've just been lazy. So, I need to kick myself in the butt and get back to working on the things that I need to be working on. So, I'm going to attempt to get myself back on track with eating and stuff.

Breakfast:
A bowl of cereal with 2% milk

Lunch:
a peach tart thing

Dinner:
Homemade Chicken Pot Pie
Coffee with creamer and truvia

Evening:
An apple

TOTALS
Calories 1540
Fat 47
Carbs 213
Fiber 13
Sugar 85
Protein 34

[Boss Man]

Just put that stuff behind you Jena and focus on the immediate future. You CAN do this, I believe in you a lot and if you believe in yourself you can be strong, get the eating sorted and make good progress.

Don't be too hard on yourself and GOOD LUCK .

[MatthewCocking]

Like BossMan said above, advice would be take every day as it comes.

If you take it one day at a time, you will then be able to look back in a week, and a month and eventually a year and think wow, this is how far i have come. Each day, set yourself a target or a challenge for THAT DAY and make it happen.

No matter what mood youre in, even if you are having the worst day ever, a challenge can still be completed. For example, on worst days I simply make sure I turn up at the gym. Because okay, in general that wouldnt be hard for me, but on THAT DAY I will be proud that I turned up at the gym because I was having a bad day and it was hard.

Good luck