Jena's Journal.

[Boss Man]

Yeah, so will the temptation to sleep a little longer and then work on homework. . .

And the words that contradict themselves and negativity that isn't supposed to be excuses, but comes across as excuses anyway .

You're worth a lot Jena, so don't let yourself stop seeing that, because being blind to it will never help you to achieve what you want and you'll just start to adopt feelings of failure and underachievement, with your health and wellbeing.

Keep looking for the positives and keep trying to do your best for you, because you ARE worth the time and effort and you and DO matter .

[MissJenaKay]

Yeah, so will the temptation to sleep a little longer and then work on homework. . .

And the words that contradict themselves and negativity that isn't supposed to be excuses, but comes across as excuses anyway .

You're worth a lot Jena, so don't let yourself stop seeing that, because being blind to it will never help you to achieve what you want and you'll just start to adopt feelings of failure and underachievement, with your health and wellbeing.

Keep looking for the positives and keep trying to do your best for you, because you ARE worth the time and effort and you and DO matter .

I try Boss, it's just getting harder and harder to care about myself. I'm really starting to hate myself again. I have three fit, beautiful suite/roommates, they dress and look and act like girls. I'm the least feminine girl on floor, the only fat girl I've seen at DePaul and I'm the loneliest I've been in a very long time.

[MissJenaKay]

Woke up later than I wanted to..... again. I think it's just being here.... I went to bed at ten last night.... still woke up at nine-thirty, there's no reason I seemingly need almost twelve hours of sleep.

9:30 Wake Up

9:35 Breakfast
-- 1c KASHI Go Lean Crunch!
-- 1/2c Fat Free Milk

10:35 Workout
-- Dumbell Squats: 2 sets of 12 at 12lbs per DB
-- Lunges: 2 sets of 12 at 7lbs per DB
-- Hamstring Curls: 2 sets of 12 at 50lbs
-- Lower Back: 2 sets 12 at 70 lbs
-- Chest Press: 2 sets of 12 at 40 lbs
-- Rows: 2 sets of 12 at 30lb
-- Bicep Curls: 2 set of 12 at 20lb
-- Shoulder Press: 2 sets of 12 at 20 lbs
-- Treadmill: 25 minutes @ 3 mph

11:45 Post Workout
-- Honey Mustard Chicken Sandwich (Got a fresh made one this time.... oh god, so much better)
-- 18 oz Milk with 1 scoop eas whey protein (discoevered today that the cup is a 20 oz cup, not a 10 oz...)

3:08 Dinner
-- Deli Sub: Turkey, Chicken, Spinach, Cucumbers, light mayo, on Wheat bread

6:10 Snack
-- 12 Carrots

8:20 Late meal
-- 1 c KASHI Go Lean Crunch!
-- 1/2 c Fat Free Milk

Also, the girl that made protein milk works almost every time I go to the gym and since I always get the same thing, she knows what I want. Today when she called order and I walked to her to get it, she smiled and said, "I feel like a bartender, I know your regular" it made me smile a little.

@ Les :: Thanks, les, I don't mind that you sounded somewhat harsh at first, it's not a big deal. I definitely understand what you're saying and I'm trying so hard to get over insecurities, but even when I'm feeling good, I feel like it's a lie, and another part of me is saying that I don't deserve to be happy, that even if I'm happy I'm still fat and all that. I don't know why, but it's like I'm hardwired to ate myself and I really want to change it.

@ Brent :: I would appreciate the advice, Brent. Pm me, please and thank you?

[Boss Man]

You're a pretty special person Jena, don't ever forget that. It doesn't matter how other people look and feel, only how you look and feel. You can't let them unintentionally make you feel bad and it is unintentional, as they are not meaning to do it, but you ned to keep believing in yourself.

Inisde of you is a beautiful person and she is so wonderful and amazing. You just need to let her see more of the light and you'll be well on your way to increased happiness and physical success.

Good luck .

[fit-fanatic-2025]

Hi Jena, I've been following your journal as well! College is a pretty tough time for anyone thin or not. One thing i've come to realize in weight loss struggles is being thin doesn't always bring happiness. It really does come from within. If i could offer any advice, it would be to focus on your academic goals, focus on activities you like to do, and focus also on your exercise and diet goals and focus less on your peers and how you compare to them because in the end 4 years from now when your graduating it really won't matter but will matter is that you have a healthy lifestyle, that you found activities you enjoy, and you also hopefully have a major that you've enjoyed and exceled at and will bring you a great position. Good luck and we all are rooting you on remember that as well.

[MissJenaKay]

Okay. I'm not sure how well today will go. It's cold outside and I have no actually warm clothing.... I have a feeling I'm going to end up coming down with a cold soon. I love not being able to afford warm clothes or a jacket.

7:30 Wake up

8:15 Breakfast
-- 1 c KASHI Go Lean Crunch!
-- 1/2 c Fat Free Milk

11:30 Lunch (this meal was probably a bad idea)
-- Chicken Cordon Bleu
-- Mac and Cheese
-- Mashed Potatoes
-- Tea mixed with a little lemonade

5:24 Dinner
-- Naked Burrito
-- Green Tea

@ Boss :: I'm not all that special, Boss. No one is, there's always someone out there that does exactly what you do, but they do it better. There's always another person that could do the same exact things that you do. So, no one is really all that special. Also, I can't really help it that I have a very deep habit of comparing myself to others, it's just how I've learned to live. Also, new roommate spent her first night in our room last night. She snores. . . D: So, not only does she stay up late, and sleep in, and she's prettier than me and makes me jealous because she actually has friends and a social life . . . but she snores. I don't know what to do/think right now. I didn't want a roommate in the first place so when first one moved out, I got EXTREMELY excited. And I got a two or three week taste of freedom and then I got stuck with another one. >:(

@ Rebekah :: Thanks for taking the time to post something. :] I'm pretty glad because I have always gotten fantastic grades and it looks like that is continuing here in school, I love major and I want to add a couple minors but I'm struggling terribly with finding activities (other than internet based things) that I enjoy. I have absolutely zero social life and I'm too scared to shove myself out there and talk to people. I seriously argue with myself almost every day trying to decide if I want to walk down to the room of a guy I enjoy being around and asking him if he'd like to hang out or something. I always lose the argument and just stay in me room. . . And as for diet and exercise goals. I'm eating a lot better than I used to and I'm exercising almost as much as I used to at home, however, I think it's better quality workouts and I'm seeing no progress at all and it's really starting to piss me off. In any case, thanks for the support. I wish you the best in your endeavors as well, dear.

[fit-fanatic-2025]

Your diet and exercise will happen for you just keep working at it which it sounds like your doing!

As for activities, just try things and see if that is something you like to do or enjoy. By doing activities you like, you will meet people!! If there are sports you like, or if you enjoy writing or photography there are groups and clubs you can join. You will find stuff you enjoy. Just keep looking!!

[MissJenaKay]

Your diet and exercise will happen for you just keep working at it which it sounds like your doing!

As for activities, just try things and see if that is something you like to do or enjoy. By doing activities you like, you will meet people!! If there are sports you like, or if you enjoy writing or photography there are groups and clubs you can join. You will find stuff you enjoy. Just keep looking!!

The problem is not a lack of opportunity, it's a lack of confidence. I'm too scared...

[fit-fanatic-2025]

I know how you feel. I think a lot of people including me have a hard time joining classes by themselves. I like to go with someone at least for the first time especially if its something i don't have a knack with and am not that good at. I'm braver if its something i know i am decently good at. If you can drag someone to go with you do it but other wise I would really try to go by yourself and join something that you know you will probably be good at. And remember your not the only one that feels the way you do. I think actually your a step ahead of everyone because your doing really good at your studies and you focusing on having a healthier lifestyle. I think your probably more confident than you are giving yourself credit for. I wish i had the focus on studying when i was in school Like the Nike commercial says, Just do it!!

[MissJenaKay]

I'm not all that special, Boss. No one is, there's always someone out there that does exactly what you do, but they do it better. There's always another person that could do the same exact things that you do. So, no one is really all that special.

Now that is entirely untrue. Every person has a unique perspective that he or she brings to the table. Sure, other people do the same things that I do, but no one else in the entire world has experienced everything that I have, so no one has exactly the same opinions or thoughts or perspectives. That makes a HUGE difference. A person is an aggregate of all the experiences she has had over the course of a lifetime, and no two are the same. That's a solid fact, even for identical twins.

Well, yeah, but when a person doesn't do pretty much anything, then how can they be special?? I don't talk to pretty much anyone, I pretty much only do what I'm told and the things I do on own, no one ever really hears about or sees. So how can that be special? Also, by saying that everyone is special, it's the same as no one being special. Everyone is different and unique, but no on is special.

[MissJenaKay]

In this context, special = unique, and every person is unique.

Even if you don't "do" anything, you're still doing things every day. For instance, you're interacting with us here on these boards, and people are reading our conversation, which might trigger something in them and cause their lives to go a different way. They made a stupid movie called The Butterfly Effect, but the term is from the phenomenon where a butterfly can flap its wings and cause a tsunami halfway across the world. Every interaction causes reactions, no matter how small...or how they might seem inconsequential to you.

I don't normally talk about this, but I met a girl when I was in the middle of a deep depression...I was at heaviest weight, almost 240, and I did nothing all day but watch TV and eat junk food and smoke. I only left house to buy food, sometimes to see parents. I was supposed to meet mom at the mall, and I was waiting for her outside of a store. This girl was working at the Dip'n'dots kiosk (the pearled ice cream things), and I watched this lady with kids go up to the kiosk and ask the girl about the ice cream, and all the information was posted on the board above the girl's head. When the family left, I made some snarky comment about how it would be nice if people could read, and we struck up a conversation. We had a lot in common, so we exchanged numbers and met up a couple times. She had an abusive boyfriend, and I eventually let her come and stay with me for a while. She changed life, mainly because she made me get out of the house, and when we did go out, she wasn't embarrassed to be with me. I couldn't understand how this pretty young girl would want to hang on fat arm and let people know we were together. She encouraged me to get a job, and I started working as a barista at a coffee house, and to this day, that was favorite job ever. I met more people and started opening up a bit more.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that a random encounter one day at the mall changed both our lives, mine definitely more so than hers. I remember telling someone a couple years later that what I wanted to do in life was what she did...travel different places, connect with people, change their lives in some way, and then move on. Maybe that's why I ended up joining the Peace Corps. It certainly made me less afraid to talk to people.

So I didn't do anything. Then I remembered, with a little help, that the meaning of life is to live, and I stopped giving myself excuses and made a conscious decision to start living. Everyone has that choice...you either get busy living, or you get busy dying, but it's impossible to not "do" anything.

That's so cool. :] I wish I had any sort of experience that was good, or that made me feel good. But to be perfectly honest . . . I don't know how to "live". I only know how to exist and die.... As creepy and morbid as that sounds (and I was trying to avoid sounding morbid, it was just impossible to avoid it with that sort of sentiment though...)

[MissJenaKay]

It's all just about putting yourself out there. You're in school, so go join some clubs. Like writing? Join the yearbook or the school paper. Our school also had a writing group that put together poetry chapbooks and writing anthologies. Like singing? I'm sure there's a choir. I'm willing to bet there's a group out there that does just about everything. You might be forcing yourself to go the first couple of times, but if it's an activity you like, you'll meet some people with similar interests and make some new friends. I'd just stay away from the sororities, myself...that might just be me, though.

Also, I think the fact that you're *in* school says something. I dropped out...like I said, I didn't do anything but sit on and eat.

I started slowly. I always wrote in a journal, and I decided I'd start by learning something new every day, and then I wrote it down. You've just got to spend some time reflecting and figuring out what you want to do, what paths you want to take. If you're open, good things come.

That's the thing.... I'm too scared to put myself out there. I'm so scared that, as usual, I'll try to meet people or try to find something I enjoy, and I'll fail. I like a lot of different things but I'm too afraid to go to a meeting by myself. Partly because I get freaked out if I have to be alone in groups of people I don't know, partly because I'm afraid of going to meetings for something if I haven't gone from the very beginning, and partly because I'm afraid that if I get involved, I'll end up having too little time to get things done and I'll be even more stressed out than I am now. By the way, sororities will never happen. Only pretty, confident girls get into sororities, plus, they've already done their rushing for the year and memberships are final. Besides, I hate parties, I hate alcohol and sororities party and drink.

The reason I'm in school.... It's the only thing I'm good enough at to do anything with.

I have a journal, I just don't write much because I have no personal space here and I hate the idea of people watching me write in journal. It's just creepy to me. I know what I WANT to do; however, I don't know what I'm able to do.

You said yourself that you are doing well in school, that you've always done well in school and it's transferred to college.

That better qualify as "doing" something, or I am seriously wasting life. No joke, I only leave the house to go to school or the grocery store. I haven't driven in two weeks. Eep.

That's the only thing I do... I go to classes, do homework, eat, and work out. That's it. No friends. No social life. Nothing. Never have. Probably never will.

[MissJenaKay]

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Wayne Gretsky said that. Not sure how, he's a hockey player and has no teeth.

Worst case scenario: You go and fall flat on your face when you walk in. You're wearing a skirt which flies up and everyone can see your "laundry day" skivvies. So, you don't go back and you never see those people again. And that's pretty far fetched.

Seriously though, if people aren't welcoming or it sucks or ... just whatever, so you just don't go back. You probably won't see them ever again. That happened to me a couple months back, actually. I found a knitting group across town, so I went out and tried it. Soooo out of character for me. I hated it. I felt like an outsider, and they were using nicer yarn and I had rainbow needles and I was making sea monsters. They were all making faire isle socks and fancy bobbled sweaters. So I didn't go back. Crazy part though is one girl from the group found me on a knitting community (kinda like facebook for knitting projects?) and said she really liked stuff and understood that the group could be intimidating that way. I never went back, but I made a friend anyway. Crazy eh?

Only thing, I can't pluck up the courage to go in the first place. Like. I'll want to so bad, but then I get too scared and give up and reread homework or proofread a paper for the fourth time or just get on the computer. . . I'm just too afraid of people. I don't know why, but I am. Any sort of social situations make me nervous and tense and anxious and all that sort of not fun stuff.

Also, thankfully, most of your hypothetical situation could never happen.
A. I don't wear skirts. Ever.
B. All of underwear look exactly the same. There are no laundry day ones vs everyday life ones.

[MissJenaKay]

8:40 Wake Up

8:47 Breakfast
-- 1 c KASHI Go Lean Crunch!-
-- 1/2 c Fat Free Milk

9:10 Workout
-- Dumbell Squats: 2 sets of 12 at 12lbs per DB
-- Lunges: 2 sets of 12 at 7lbs per DB
-- Hamstring Curls: 2 sets of 12 at 55lbs
-- Lower Back: 2 sets 12 at 70 lbs
-- Chest Press: 2 sets of 12 at 25 lbs
-- Rows: 2 sets of 12 at 30lb
-- Bicep Curls: 2 set of 12 at 20lb
-- Shoulder Press: 2 sets of 12 at 15 lbs

10:12
-- Honey Mustard Chicken Sandwich :: Grilled chicken breast, spinach, honey mustard, on rye.
-- Milk with EAS whey protein

2:12
-- 2c Burrito Bowl :: Steak, Cilantro rice, black beans, corn, cheese and sourcream.
-- Green Tea

4:30
-- 1.5 cup diced Pineapple
-- 3 oz grilled chicken breast on sesame seed roll
-- 1 Starbucks Frappuccino. (yes, bad I know but I need caffeine)

Also, in a crappy mood today. Didn't sleep well, got picked on for people overhearing me talking to mother telling her I have a little crush on a guy here last night and so I was angry when I went to bed, didn't end up falling asleep until 2:30 AM and then at the gym I managed to smash finger between a dumbbell and the rack, right on the fingernail so it hurts so bad I wanted to cry. Then I got usual sandwich and since I didn't get it made fresh today, I forgot it would have tomato on it, so I took a bit and got a mouthful of tomato, wanted to spit it out, but that would have been gross. I took the rest off though. Meh. Hopefully, since Ethics in Games and Cinema teacher is VERY good looking and I love the class, day will get better then. :/

@ Allison :: I can't help but think things over.... a lot. That's just how I am. And I really want to try and put myself out there, but I can't seem to get over the fear. I really hate it, but I don't know what to do to get rid of it. And I've tried associative desensitization. It doesn't help. And I get NOTHING done if I don't have free time. If I feel pressured, I freak out and panic and end up getting nothing done. I just wish I could figure out a way to make the fear bearable.

[MissJenaKay]

@ Allison :: Associative desensitization is when some is forced to be in situations that make them scared in hopes that it will dull the fear and make them more comfortable with rthe situations starting with things that are the easiest for the person and moving to harder and harder things. I've trieed it. And, for me, it doesn't work. Also, what is zen meditation? I have no time to really read so I have to decide wheter or not I should bother getting the books and forcing myself to make the time.