MissJenaKay wrote:
By the way, Boss, since I know, inevitably you'll read this and craft a long-winded reply rebutting statements, I don't think I really want you to do that. But then, I really just don't want people to try to point out the non-existent good things about me.
Tough luck, I'm posting this anyway, because by not doing so I may as well write a big fat note saying I agree with you and I don't.
I'm also not accepting your apologies either, because I don't think you needed to apologise for anything, but we differ, so it's okay
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The non-existant good as you call it, is only non-existant in your own head. Supress it all you want, but I believe it's basically a small lie you're telling yourself, because if you feel completely crappy and repress all hope of being anyone worthwhile, things seem to make sense.
Basically just create a total darkness with no horizon, no light, no escape, so the feeling of being trapped in a pointless, unjustifiable body and life, becomes the one reliable thing, the thing that can't let you down, or seem like a good thing that might slip away or be ruined, because you're creating what seems like the ultimate bad, but in doing so, bad becomes good.
At least you understand yourself, if you strip things down to basics. Someone as pretty much emotionally and mentally as low as they can go, instead of someone striving in some kind of vein hope for better.
Your main problem may be not trying hard enough to make good things happen, but believing they aren't meant to happen, or certainly not for you; that wanting good things is going to come with hidden extras or nasty surprises; such things being the potential pain of striving for
things that then go wrong.
You see the non-existant good in yourself, but you've never given up on yourself and you speak well to others on here including someone like Martin, who you have reached out to sometimes, so where's the bad in that?
Deal with yourself Jena, but don't hide from it. Don't make the good things seem non-existant and don't make the things about you that are good, seem the reverse. Work with your good points, don't supress them, as some kind of poisoned chalice, by thinking if I do good things, or allow good things to happen, they'll go wrong, because I'm a walking jinx.
I first of all want you to be proud of yourself for posting all that, because I'm proud of you, there I said it, get over it, I'm not taking that back
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Also screw other people in Uni. They aren't you. Just becasue they look a certain way and do certain things, doesn't mean you necessarily should. Live the way you feel best, not just because it seems the "norm", or because you don't want to supposedly stand out.
You're unique in your own amazing way, so be unique, not a copy or a cheap replica of someone else
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I don't care how negatively you think about comments, or how negatively you may respond, because I care about you, but even if you tried to chew me a new for posting this, I wouldn't stop caring and I'm not going to be driven away by anything you say, so your attitude isn't going to make me say, forget it I'm done with you, you little blah blah blah yada yada.
So feel free to kick for giving a stuff about you, but I'll be back to keep giving a stuff and you and I both know it, because if you think you're a lost cause or always going to be second best, then maybe your head's up your butt, in which case pull it out and give your amazing Brain some more air and sunshine.
You WILL feel better when your schooling is over in the next few years and you can focus on the next stage of you.
By making your life feel like nothing, it still becomes something. Nothing is impossible, because something occurs as a result of everything. Everything in the known universe makes something happen, so your life will never be "nothing", you'll be a something and a someone no matter what you think and feel, so live with it, but the more you try to fight against or suppress the person you can be, the more you will realise it's not possible to become nothing and no one, so eventually you will give in and accept yourself as being something and someone, with some kind of value and when you do, you WILL have no choice, but to start working out what and who that person is and how much of a "something" or someone you are or could be.
When you realise you are more than nothing and no one, get back to me, because then we'll have more positives to help you succeed.
I'll be waiting
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